Venting The Waiting is Unbearable

[BorderlineQ]

I'm in the limbo of waiting for my SN to arrive and wow this is excruciating. Knowing that I'll have an out so very soon and yet I'm able to do nothing in the meantime is driving me crazy. All my thoughts are about ctb, and I already didn't have anything to fill my time with before ordering the SN. So I'm at work barely getting by. It's like knowing you'll quit soon so what's the point in even showing up the last few days. But I can't risk raising suspicions.

I'm contemplating self harming just so I can feel something and have something palpable to do while I wait.

At least if I was home I'd be able to sleep and pass the time unconscious. Instead I'm stuck staring at the clock waiting for seconds to turn to minutes to turn to days closer to getting my SN. I thought that knowing I'd have my way out would make these last few weeks more refreshing and bearable, but it's being the exact opposite. If I didn't have to care about raising suspicions by my loved ones I'd be having a blast in my final weeks. I suppose it makes sense. I've lived for the sake of others so the time before my death will be in regards to them as well.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I'm going through the exact same thing waiting for my Sn to arrive. It is very much unbearable waiting for it as the time goes by so slowly! To make matters worse, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I've just been very sad because I wanted to be gone already on or before Valentine's Day. It reminds me of this time last year, I was really happy for the first time in a long time. Then my boyfriend passed away 7 months ago, and now I'm just heartbroken. I thought my last days would be better than this, but I guess it makes sense. I feel you!

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand finding it unbearable to suffer in this existence but anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find the relief you search for.

 

[Worndown]

Carley Simon has a song about this...anticipation.