You know, I've been trying a lot. I've been trying since early January. I tried ODing, partial hanging, SN, jumping- I've tried a bit. Each time something goes comically wrong or I am found and saved at just the last moment. And I have reflected a lot. I cant really play musical instruments well anymore which is kinda my whole thing, but is it bad that even with all these times I have seen the view from halfway down, I still kind of want to reach the ground?
I have honestly stopped and tried regaining a lot of things I have lost from the amount of attempts solely because I just think I cant die, at least not now. Maybe its a sign. I dont know, but is it just weird that even now, "surrounded" by people, dressed in opportunities like playing at a very very globally esteemed concert hall, and being given care, I still want it? I dont know.. do I even know if I want it? I think about it every single day and how crappy unsuccessfully doing this is, and it just makes me want to do it more..
But I also feel selfish in a way? All of these things could go to someone else.. why me? And now because of my selfish acts, I have brain damage. I dont really know how to word all of this.. I kind of just wanted to put this somewhere. Say all of it. I have a diary, but I am scared that someone may read it in real life, but no one I truly know would find this.. I'm sorry if my words dont make sense. This may just be rambling. I dont want to use this as a sort of diary I just want to let this out of my head.. its so hard talking to people here.. even my therapist. I just feel as though I cant talk through this stuff without being understood in a way you guys would.. you guys also wouldnt throw me in the mental hospital.. haha...
I have honestly stopped and tried regaining a lot of things I have lost from the amount of attempts solely because I just think I cant die, at least not now. Maybe its a sign. I dont know, but is it just weird that even now, "surrounded" by people, dressed in opportunities like playing at a very very globally esteemed concert hall, and being given care, I still want it? I dont know.. do I even know if I want it? I think about it every single day and how crappy unsuccessfully doing this is, and it just makes me want to do it more..
But I also feel selfish in a way? All of these things could go to someone else.. why me? And now because of my selfish acts, I have brain damage. I dont really know how to word all of this.. I kind of just wanted to put this somewhere. Say all of it. I have a diary, but I am scared that someone may read it in real life, but no one I truly know would find this.. I'm sorry if my words dont make sense. This may just be rambling. I dont want to use this as a sort of diary I just want to let this out of my head.. its so hard talking to people here.. even my therapist. I just feel as though I cant talk through this stuff without being understood in a way you guys would.. you guys also wouldnt throw me in the mental hospital.. haha...
