the vicious circle of SI

[Defenestration]

plan a suicide date with the conviction that this time it's the right one. this idea ends up calming me down a little.

one day, a few hours before I let loose(SI, guilt towards my sick mother)...
I feel glad I didn't do it for a few hours BUT

1 day after giving up I blame myself for having failed and I blame myself... especially since I can't plan suicide dates every week...

I come back in a state of great suffering.

 

[HopelesslyAlive]

This describes exactly how I feel too.
Something always happens that makes me back out or postpone, and then I feel stupid about it and blame myself for backing out.

 

[KillingPain267]

I was honestly glad to see your post that you are still here. I always read many of your posts when they appear in the "newest posts"

 

[WatchmeBurn]

Guilt and not wanting to harm my loved ones is the same thing keeping me here, too. I don't want to inflict that pain and suffering onto my parents, neither of whom deserve it, nor on my partner, whom I love dearly.

My parents were not perfect, of course (I might not be here otherwise, though a lot of it is just genetics, I think), but they did and do care and they tried their best. My partner is amazing and I love her more than anything, and I couldn't imagine putting her through that. I love my sister, too, but I think (hope) she'd be able to move on, though that is perhaps just copium on my part.

My current line of thinking is that I'll wait until my parents are dead (maybe 10-15 years, I don't know) and assume that my relationship has fallen apart by then thanks to my mental illness. It's already on the rocks as it is.

As for my sister, I simply cannot wait my whole life, so she'll just have to survive. I'm sorry in advance, to her.

There's nothing wrong with caring about your loved ones and how they'd be without you, and how they'd react to your death. Many people here don't have to worry about that as they have a bad relationship with their family or they have no loved ones at all, but for those of us who do, it's definitely something we have to take into consideration. As much as I wish we lived in a society that accepted that not everyone is physically/physiologically capable of being happy and that sometimes death is the better option, we don't, and we cannot remain abstract from that cultural reality in our decision-making + how it'd impact the emotional wellbeing of our families.

Yeah.

 

[Peace2peace]

All i need is support am ready to go

 

[Defenestration]

J'ai été vraiment content de voir ton message indiquant que tu étais toujours là. Je lis toujours beaucoup de tes messages lorsqu'ils apparaissent dans les "articles les plus récents"

I was honestly glad to see your post that you are still here. I always read many of your posts when they appear in the "newest posts"

the problem is that I would need to be able to do a ctb without thinking, impulsively, but I can't I have to prepare myself (sn protocol, plan a date with the guard to throw myself out of the window)
and there are works at my place and after my sister's birthday so not before mid-February... it's been 20 years that I've been suicidal and 2 years that it has become a real obsession...and 1 year all the time...every time that I see someone for a year I tell myself that it will be the last time...

 

[Defenestration]

In november 2025 Always here

 

[Defenestration]

J'étais vraiment content de voir que tu es toujours là. Je lis toujours beaucoup de tes messages lorsqu'ils apparaissent dans la section « Messages les plus récents ».

Are you here? @KillingPain267

 

[Realog11]

Are you here? @KillingPain267

He was last seen September 1 2025

 

[Defenestration]

Planifier une date pour me suicider, convaincue que cette fois-ci c'est la bonne. Cette idée finit par m'apaiser un peu.

Un jour, quelques heures avant de craquer (SI, culpabilité envers ma mère malade)...
Je suis content de ne pas l'avoir fait pendant quelques heures, MAIS

Un jour après avoir renoncé, je me blâme d'avoir échoué et je m'en veux... surtout que je ne peux pas planifier des rendez-vous pour me suicider chaque semaine...

Je reviens dans un état de grande souffrance.

Cercle
Again and always