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Survivor of incest. Gay. Please don't PM me.
- Apr 13, 2021
- 7,086
It looks like I'm starting to accept the frightening possibility that I might never ctb, that I might end up struggling with C-PTSD for the next 40 years. I'm not rich, but I & my partner can get by even if I lose the ability to work because I rent out my parents' house to tourists & we don't need much. I've been aware of the fact that life is brutal & that everything can be taken away from me since childhood, but I simply can't surrender. I'm not hope's bitch & I'm not afraid there's an afterlife, the problem is that the animal in me is still too pig-headed & defiant. I love my husband & losing him would be a huge blow, but I'm not sure even that would finish me off.
The most important person in my life is still my dead father/molester, I'm still waging a stupid, unwinnable war against him in my head. I have to keep proving to him that I'm a "real man", that I'm strong, that I can stand all this pointless pain, that I'm tougher & smarter than him. To add insult to injury, if I shaved my beard off, I'd fucking look exactly like him. I have his voice. I even fucking sneeze as weirdly as he sneezed. When I get complimented on my looks, it feels like the person is complimenting him. The only things that are my own are my laugh (he never smiled once in his life) & my "slickness". I'm pretty sure I try so hard to appear extroverted, effortlessly confident & easy-going because he was socially awkward & paranoid. I'm not just sexually compulsive, I'm also addicted to winning people over.
I'm a bit like Don Draper, an imposter with a traumatic childhood who falls apart occasionally & will always be secretly self-destructive & miserable, but whose slick facade allows him to trick people into thinking he's reliable & worth their time. The vast majority of humans don't bother to scratch beneath the surface, it's ridiculous how easy it is to fool them & get away with being irresponsible if they like your exterior. Thank fuck I'm not str8 or bi, I would've knocked up some naive girl & fucked up both her & our kids.
The most important person in my life is still my dead father/molester, I'm still waging a stupid, unwinnable war against him in my head. I have to keep proving to him that I'm a "real man", that I'm strong, that I can stand all this pointless pain, that I'm tougher & smarter than him. To add insult to injury, if I shaved my beard off, I'd fucking look exactly like him. I have his voice. I even fucking sneeze as weirdly as he sneezed. When I get complimented on my looks, it feels like the person is complimenting him. The only things that are my own are my laugh (he never smiled once in his life) & my "slickness". I'm pretty sure I try so hard to appear extroverted, effortlessly confident & easy-going because he was socially awkward & paranoid. I'm not just sexually compulsive, I'm also addicted to winning people over.
I'm a bit like Don Draper, an imposter with a traumatic childhood who falls apart occasionally & will always be secretly self-destructive & miserable, but whose slick facade allows him to trick people into thinking he's reliable & worth their time. The vast majority of humans don't bother to scratch beneath the surface, it's ridiculous how easy it is to fool them & get away with being irresponsible if they like your exterior. Thank fuck I'm not str8 or bi, I would've knocked up some naive girl & fucked up both her & our kids.