The truth is that I don't really know what's going to happen to me...

[WornOutLife]

I think you should definitely see Japan before you decide anything with ctb. It seems like it is very important to you. And I feel you, I'm not sure how long before I give into my suicidal thoughts and since not every one struggles with them, they'll live longer. I've been trying to put my ctb off cuz I want to do "cool" things before I do.

Thanks for your words! Visiting Japan before ctb would be certainly epic and I think I would die at a 100% peace lol.

I guess we're in kinda the same shoes right? You know, just procrastinating our ctb date!

 

[8hidden_emotions8]

Thanks for your words! Visiting Japan before ctb would be certainly epic and I think I would die at a 100% peace lol.

I guess we're in kinda the same shoes right? You know, just procrastinating our ctb date!

Yea I guess we are in same shoes. :)

 

[Jean Améry]

Congrats on hanging in there and still caring about others. I can relate yes as life is hardly a walk in the park for me yet I have to keep going through the motions to save my nephews and godson the heartache of losing their favourite uncle/only godfather. I can't screw up their lives, I really can't. That doesn't stop the hurt of course but at least I feel like I'm doing something useful although they'll probably never know. Reading, listening to music and meeting up with friends tends to lighten my mood temporarily but overall I'd (still) rather be dead.

I do find it gets easier along the way. When you get older emotions tend to cut less deep and it's easier to shrug things off. Plus you get closer to death which is a relief in a way. Someday I'll probably be told I have cancer or some other nasty disease and I can finally escape guilt-free.

Just take it one day at a time and be proud of your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Remind yourself running a race is easy when you don't have to carry a weight along with you but extremely hard when you do. For some people life simply is much harder than for others. Even some very shitty people seem to skate through life effortlessly while others who are much better than them morally are doomed to suffer. Injustice is a part of life unfortunately.

I do hope you'll get to see Japan one day. A friend of mine goes every year (not last year for obvious reasons) and he loves it: saw a large part of the country already, made friends there, speaks Japanese... He (not so) secretely hopes one day his company will set up an office there and send him. And probably meet up a cute Japanese woman too.

As for me I'd love to see Capetown again although it'd be bittersweet as I'll know the love of my life will be in that city yet I'll never ever get to see her again.... What was it you said about struggling everyday again? I might even be tempted to throw myself off Table Mountain, lol. It would be a fitting end in a way.