The tide has turned

[UseItOrLoseIt]

And as usual it happened when I hit rock bottom. I got a fresh package of SN, took meto for one day and planned to ctb the next. The next morning, however, I got this urge to call my "friend" for coffee and deal with her. And so I did. Inspired by the the feeling that there's nothing to lose I ended the relationship right then and there and inspired by the feeling that I finally took the initiative for my own betterment I postponed my ctb.

So the last month and a half I flipped the script. I've been wimhofing like crazy, taking cold showers every morning with the occasional ice bath. I've been on the beach in the middle of December. I've got a new gaming laptop and took up reading again. I gave up alcohol and, for the first time in 20 years, I haven't smoked a joint for this long. My productivity has skyrocketed and my mind is sharp.

The tide has turned, but I still feel like I'm lost at sea and even the smallest vision of a shore, a future, where I could settle down and rest is like a punch in the gut. I can envision a thousand bright outcomes but when I open my eyes I invariably find myself in the middle of nowhere.

I'm so tired of aimlessly wandering. I just wish a tidal wave would curl up over me and tuck me into nothingness.

 

[motel rooms]

I can envision a thousand bright outcomes

Jesus, how does that even feel?

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Jesus, how does that even feel?

Like dry cumming.

 

[motel rooms]

Like dry cumming.

I don't know if non-hypersexual guys who don't compulsively milk themselves enjoy dry cumming, but I do.

So the last month and a half I flipped the script. I've been wimhofing like crazy, taking cold showers every morning with the occasional ice bath. I've been on the beach in the middle of December. I've got a new gaming laptop and took up reading again. I gave up alcohol and, for the first time in 20 years, I haven't smoked a joint for this long. My productivity has skyrocketed and my mind is sharp.

All of this is no small feat, don't underestimate yourself.

 

[Noctis]

One small positive step fueled a desire for more. You want to take all the positive steps and fix everything... but everything is so overwhelming. I mean where do you even start?

Don't try to think about fixing everything. Break it down into as small of steps as you can and focus on those. I don't know what improvements you want to make, but fixate on things that can be accomplished in a day or week. That gives you some direction.

Good luck.

 

[Onthe29th]

That's amazing, it makes me feel a little happy to know that someone in this community is trying to make the most of their life and taking it one day at a time.

 

[charlie_z]

One small positive step fueled a desire for more. You want to take all the positive steps and fix everything... but everything is so overwhelming. I mean where do you even start?

Don't try to think about fixing everything. Break it down into as small of steps as you can and focus on those. I don't know what improvements you want to make, but fixate on things that can be accomplished in a day or week. That gives you some direction.

Good luck.

A teacher in college once taught me the following acronym: FOCUS: Follow One Course Until Succesful. You are spot on with your advice.

 

[Callie Arcale]

It seems to me that your friend had a toxic influence on you, from the bits and bobs I've gathered so far. So maybe ending this relationship was like getting rid of dead weight that was pulling you down.

I'm rooting for you @UseItOrLoseIt I wish you nothing but the very best and hope this new lease on life goes on and on. And I wish you strength to overcome the darkness when it creeps up again. I don't think anyone can get all the answers all at once, so it's no wonder you still find yourself far from the shoreline. But Rome wasn't built in a day, as they day. Everything in life takes patience and perseverence.

I couldn't be happier for you and I hope to read an update from you soon where you tell us things are going well

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm pleased for you that things seem to be improving. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

All of this is no small feat, don't underestimate yourself.

I started playing piano at 28 and learned as much as I could, took up reading Ulysses and Gravity's Rainbow just for fun, I'm not undermining my abilities nor my determination. I'm undermining my ability to be satisfied, to be fulfilled, because nothing of this has managed to satisfy me in the long run. Not stuff, not women, not anything. I'm not underestimating anything, I'm underlying a root incapability that is very much real. Although I must say, the weed abstinence is working miracles for my overall mental health in a way I could very well might have predicted if I wasn't so self-destructive and stubborn. Having a clear mind at last, getting rid of random panic attacks and paranoid ideations gives me a lot more freedom to pursue the things I want, fully and without distractions.

Don't try to think about fixing everything. Break it down into as small of steps as you can and focus on those. I don't know what improvements you want to make, but fixate on things that can be accomplished in a day or week. That gives you some direction.

A teacher in college once taught me the following acronym: FOCUS: Follow One Course Until Succesful. You are spot on with your advice.

I am doing that, I'm giving my everything into it. At the end of the day, everything I do is a means of achieving this - to love myself, or even just to accept myself, flaws and all, and be able to breath. Just to breath with a clear mind. I'm sick of having my mind altered by substances (although I wouldn't mind some LSD :) and I'm even more sick of wanting to be something I'm not just to fit some predisposed notion of what a man should be.

It seems to me that your friend had a toxic influence on you, from the bits and bobs I've gathered so far. So maybe ending this relationship was like getting rid of dead weight that was pulling you down.

She was. I let her define me for too long. Got stuck in a unhealthy habit just because I was afraid that breaking that habit would leave me without an anchor point, which she truly was back in the day. But people change, and our habits should change accordingly.

 

[Dragon's Heart]

I've got a new gaming laptop and took up reading again.

This is a good place to get leads on some great reading material!