moondazed
ex nihilo nihil fit
- Oct 14, 2023
- 169
I've attempted to CTB on multiple occasions the last 12 years. The first was a very serious attempt to OD. I took probably over 60mg Xanax, 100mg of Librium, a sincere amount of alcohol to down it, and a handful of other pills lying around my apartment. I was unconscious for 3 days but eventually came to, and went to the hospital (they said I must have had a "strong will to live"). Since then I fell into a life of drugs and partying, until I eventually tried to get my shit together and went back to college. I graduated college 2 years ago (at 30) and have recently gotten a "good" job in my field. I thought that's what I needed, something to strive for. But even a year an a half into this job, I still feel empty.
I had a rough childhood. My family loved me but didn't have the means to raise me with stability, so I was shuffled between parents and grandparents, never living in a single location for more than a year. Then at 16 my 18 y/o sister, whom I was very close to, died in a traffic accident. That broke my already broken family even more. We don't celebrate holidays, and at this point, I hardly talk to them. I moved to a big city for my job when I graduated, and I've not been able to make friends. I have pretty severe adhd, major depression, general/social anxiety, the works. I try and meditate daily, I read self help and other psych books to try and get a grapple on my mental health. Have done therapy regularly until recently, as I wasn't finding any use in the "how does that make you feel" paradigm of therapy. Mostly I play video games to escape. Even that has become stale. I tend to make a lot of mistakes in my work and personal life. Forgetting to do little tidbits and getting chastised by roommates or coworkers for such things. There is an air of pity around me that I think keeps people from getting too upset. I just wish I were better.
I am a decently attractive person, so I supposed I'm blessed in that way, albeit a little short for a cis male, but I get plenty of attention so I'm not self conscious about that. I even went on a date last week, it was nice and we just got ice cream and walked around town. I could tell she wasn't really into me and my offer for a second date wasn't accepted and her texts have essentially dropped off. Which is fine. I'm not the best cup of tea. My main interests lie in like… ancient philosophy and mythology, gaming and fantasy stuff, among gardening, plants and reptiles. Despite having a niche swath of interests, my past is so littered with darkness that I can't bring myself to really share it. And whenever I try and break out my shell, it always seeps out unintentionally. I hate that I'm such a "bad vibe". It's either pity or straight "ick". I don't really even care for romance all that much, but I'm terribly anxious in group settings, so dating is the easiest way for me to have 1 on 1 chats. But my last romantic partner killed herself last year, on my dead sisters birthday. This was the first date I've been on since. Sometimes I feel cursed.
I don't want to die, well, not by my own hand. I really don't want to do that to my parents. I think they'd understand though, they may even expect it at this point. I can't help but feel like I truly am a burden. I'm 32 years old and I feel like a child who needs to be cared for. I don't want that. I can take care of myself financially, but I'm so chronically alone and have anxiety attacks way too regularly. Even my gamer friends eventually pull away from me because, idk, I'm a negative energy?
I have the awareness to know "this too shall pass" but, it hasn't passed. Not after years of desperately trying. I think the world would be better if I weren't here to drain it. There are so many people with friends, and lovers, and families, and have joy as a regular staple, but I don't have that. I don't know if I ever will. It physically hurts to keep going. I don't know what to do. I'm just venting. I don't know where else to go.
I had a rough childhood. My family loved me but didn't have the means to raise me with stability, so I was shuffled between parents and grandparents, never living in a single location for more than a year. Then at 16 my 18 y/o sister, whom I was very close to, died in a traffic accident. That broke my already broken family even more. We don't celebrate holidays, and at this point, I hardly talk to them. I moved to a big city for my job when I graduated, and I've not been able to make friends. I have pretty severe adhd, major depression, general/social anxiety, the works. I try and meditate daily, I read self help and other psych books to try and get a grapple on my mental health. Have done therapy regularly until recently, as I wasn't finding any use in the "how does that make you feel" paradigm of therapy. Mostly I play video games to escape. Even that has become stale. I tend to make a lot of mistakes in my work and personal life. Forgetting to do little tidbits and getting chastised by roommates or coworkers for such things. There is an air of pity around me that I think keeps people from getting too upset. I just wish I were better.
I am a decently attractive person, so I supposed I'm blessed in that way, albeit a little short for a cis male, but I get plenty of attention so I'm not self conscious about that. I even went on a date last week, it was nice and we just got ice cream and walked around town. I could tell she wasn't really into me and my offer for a second date wasn't accepted and her texts have essentially dropped off. Which is fine. I'm not the best cup of tea. My main interests lie in like… ancient philosophy and mythology, gaming and fantasy stuff, among gardening, plants and reptiles. Despite having a niche swath of interests, my past is so littered with darkness that I can't bring myself to really share it. And whenever I try and break out my shell, it always seeps out unintentionally. I hate that I'm such a "bad vibe". It's either pity or straight "ick". I don't really even care for romance all that much, but I'm terribly anxious in group settings, so dating is the easiest way for me to have 1 on 1 chats. But my last romantic partner killed herself last year, on my dead sisters birthday. This was the first date I've been on since. Sometimes I feel cursed.
I don't want to die, well, not by my own hand. I really don't want to do that to my parents. I think they'd understand though, they may even expect it at this point. I can't help but feel like I truly am a burden. I'm 32 years old and I feel like a child who needs to be cared for. I don't want that. I can take care of myself financially, but I'm so chronically alone and have anxiety attacks way too regularly. Even my gamer friends eventually pull away from me because, idk, I'm a negative energy?
I have the awareness to know "this too shall pass" but, it hasn't passed. Not after years of desperately trying. I think the world would be better if I weren't here to drain it. There are so many people with friends, and lovers, and families, and have joy as a regular staple, but I don't have that. I don't know if I ever will. It physically hurts to keep going. I don't know what to do. I'm just venting. I don't know where else to go.
