ConfusedHurting2632
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 116
As the title says I'm 21 years old...on the vast majority of days I can't bring myself to shower or brush my teeth, I mostly just lay in bed all day and maybe watch TV if I can even bring myself to do that...otherwise, I just stare at the walls. I live with my parents. I don't work. I don't study or go to school. I don't drive or have a license. I almost never go outside...almost basically never. I never exercise. I don't really have any hobbies, interests, or passions either.
I've been suicidal since I was 17, depressed since I was 13, and at 6 years old in kindergarten I had anxiety and was often quite sad/scared. I was able to graduate high school at 18 years old, but just barely. Due to my poor mental state I basically stopped going to school altogether, but thanks to COVID and online school I was still able to pass the 12th grade. Actually, the reason I became suicidal at age 17, 11th grade, was a straw that broke the camel's back situation with my grades for AP Statistics and AP Biology being bad...I was already depressed for years for a multitude of different reasons: lack of friends, never fitting in with people, being made fun of, sucking at almost everything I did (whether it was sports or video games or art/drawing), negative interactions with people online, etc...but at least my grades were always pretty alright...till they weren't, and I was getting D's and F's left and right on AP Statistics and AP Biology assignments. So I wasn't even good at school grades anymore. I became suicidal, had my first suicide attempt, and failed...then the 11th grade year closed off with barely passing grades on those two subjects. And I wanted to drop out of school going into 12th grade. I barely passed.
Since then, I've basically just been home doing nothing. To be more specific, at age 19 I did try to take the driver's license written test...but I failed it. I tried reading the driver's handbook the best I could, but the info just never sunk in, and still doesn't if I try to read it today. And then at age 21, about 2-3 months ago, I did try to apply to Universal's Cabana Bay for an associate merchandise job...and I was able to work for exactly one day, but my fear and anxiety got the best of me, and I couldn't bring myself to go back a second day, and I found having a job very complicated, and was worried about worst case scenario stuff like if a customer got super angry.
As for figuring out what to do next, besides just laying in bed doing nothing...I have some options, but all of them seem impossible and unappealing to me. I could go to college (or more specifically community college)...I could try getting another job...I could try joining the military...I could try learning a trade...I could try learning through a professional course...I could get my driver's license...etc. But there are problems with all of these, and the problems lie within' me. The easiest option out of all these would be the driver's license, but I literally can't bring myself to read the handbook for the written test, and my brain shuts off within' reading just a few words. I have serious issues with reading and paying attention, though I haven't officially been diagnosed with ADHD or anything. The most difficult of all these options would be the military, and from what people say I don't know if it'd be a good option for me in a million years, since I'm already depressed and suicidal, and the military can greatly exacerbate these problems. It's also very stressful and meant to break you down physically and mentally. Besides all that, I'm extremely averse to physical activity and exercise in general, and probably wouldn't even meet the military prerequisites anyway. To give you an idea of how bad I am, I can't even do a single pushup, unless it's from the knees, and even then it's painful. But the reason I even consider it is because some people insist the military is the best thing that ever happened to them and changed their life for the better and had so many benefits, despite all the pain, hardships, and discipline. There is a small chance it may help me that way, but most likely and realistically, it would just completely make me break down in tears and make me want to kill myself even more. Moving on from the military, we've got college...most likely, I'd go to college a little bit, but the second I got a bad grade I would have a complete and total mental breakdown and want to drop out, just like I did after 11th grade happened. Then another job...what if the fear and anxiety kicked in again, and I also couldn't bring myself to come a second day? Or even if I was able to hold out a little longer, the second I had a bad day on the job I'd most likely want to drop out on the spot. As for learning through a trade or professional course...similar problems, I probably just wouldn't be able to dedicate myself enough.
Besides just killing myself, which I hope to be able to do before the year turns (January 1, 2023) or at least before my 22nd birthday (July 20, 2023), I absolutely can't figure out what to do next with my life. I could go to community college, try getting a job, join the military, try learning a trade, try learning through a professional course, or I could get my driver's license; but everything just seems so hard and impossible, and I know I'd probably just chicken out of everything anyway.
I don't know what I'm looking to get out of this post. Help or advice. Would I even take the help or advice if I can't even take my own help or advice? I don't know. Did I just want to vent or share my story? I don't know. But here I am anyway. I just felt like writing and posting this somewhere.
I've been suicidal since I was 17, depressed since I was 13, and at 6 years old in kindergarten I had anxiety and was often quite sad/scared. I was able to graduate high school at 18 years old, but just barely. Due to my poor mental state I basically stopped going to school altogether, but thanks to COVID and online school I was still able to pass the 12th grade. Actually, the reason I became suicidal at age 17, 11th grade, was a straw that broke the camel's back situation with my grades for AP Statistics and AP Biology being bad...I was already depressed for years for a multitude of different reasons: lack of friends, never fitting in with people, being made fun of, sucking at almost everything I did (whether it was sports or video games or art/drawing), negative interactions with people online, etc...but at least my grades were always pretty alright...till they weren't, and I was getting D's and F's left and right on AP Statistics and AP Biology assignments. So I wasn't even good at school grades anymore. I became suicidal, had my first suicide attempt, and failed...then the 11th grade year closed off with barely passing grades on those two subjects. And I wanted to drop out of school going into 12th grade. I barely passed.
Since then, I've basically just been home doing nothing. To be more specific, at age 19 I did try to take the driver's license written test...but I failed it. I tried reading the driver's handbook the best I could, but the info just never sunk in, and still doesn't if I try to read it today. And then at age 21, about 2-3 months ago, I did try to apply to Universal's Cabana Bay for an associate merchandise job...and I was able to work for exactly one day, but my fear and anxiety got the best of me, and I couldn't bring myself to go back a second day, and I found having a job very complicated, and was worried about worst case scenario stuff like if a customer got super angry.
As for figuring out what to do next, besides just laying in bed doing nothing...I have some options, but all of them seem impossible and unappealing to me. I could go to college (or more specifically community college)...I could try getting another job...I could try joining the military...I could try learning a trade...I could try learning through a professional course...I could get my driver's license...etc. But there are problems with all of these, and the problems lie within' me. The easiest option out of all these would be the driver's license, but I literally can't bring myself to read the handbook for the written test, and my brain shuts off within' reading just a few words. I have serious issues with reading and paying attention, though I haven't officially been diagnosed with ADHD or anything. The most difficult of all these options would be the military, and from what people say I don't know if it'd be a good option for me in a million years, since I'm already depressed and suicidal, and the military can greatly exacerbate these problems. It's also very stressful and meant to break you down physically and mentally. Besides all that, I'm extremely averse to physical activity and exercise in general, and probably wouldn't even meet the military prerequisites anyway. To give you an idea of how bad I am, I can't even do a single pushup, unless it's from the knees, and even then it's painful. But the reason I even consider it is because some people insist the military is the best thing that ever happened to them and changed their life for the better and had so many benefits, despite all the pain, hardships, and discipline. There is a small chance it may help me that way, but most likely and realistically, it would just completely make me break down in tears and make me want to kill myself even more. Moving on from the military, we've got college...most likely, I'd go to college a little bit, but the second I got a bad grade I would have a complete and total mental breakdown and want to drop out, just like I did after 11th grade happened. Then another job...what if the fear and anxiety kicked in again, and I also couldn't bring myself to come a second day? Or even if I was able to hold out a little longer, the second I had a bad day on the job I'd most likely want to drop out on the spot. As for learning through a trade or professional course...similar problems, I probably just wouldn't be able to dedicate myself enough.
Besides just killing myself, which I hope to be able to do before the year turns (January 1, 2023) or at least before my 22nd birthday (July 20, 2023), I absolutely can't figure out what to do next with my life. I could go to community college, try getting a job, join the military, try learning a trade, try learning through a professional course, or I could get my driver's license; but everything just seems so hard and impossible, and I know I'd probably just chicken out of everything anyway.
I don't know what I'm looking to get out of this post. Help or advice. Would I even take the help or advice if I can't even take my own help or advice? I don't know. Did I just want to vent or share my story? I don't know. But here I am anyway. I just felt like writing and posting this somewhere.