Hello, everyone. This is my post time posting here. My apologies if I posted it in wrongfully and the wrong grammar as english is not my first language.
I have been depressed for a long time. After years of being alone, I became more and more sadder and I slowly don't see myself in the future. I don't have the energy and passion to do the things I love nor do basic things I need to do to survive. Everything's getting heavier and heavier. I'm aware that this might be something too much to handle for anyone, but I do believe that no one is aware of what's truly happening to me. I don't have friends I can call my own. If I'm going out, its either I'm with my siblings' friends or with my siblings' partners.
Most of the times, I'm blaming myself for not having friends. But I can't help but wonder that deep inside I know that I'm a good friend. I know I am not a burden. I make effort and give my time to my friends because I know how it feels to be alone. I give my all to them so that they will never experience what I have gone through. It sucks that everyone just end up cuts communication and left me hanging. I wish I was a better friend.
Having said that, having no people around me is a good reason for me to ctb. No one really cares whether I'm gone because even if I didn't leave just yet, I am not really that significant to anyone anymore. There's no point of holding back as I don't have any romantic partners too to think about.
However, one of the reasons why I'm having a hard time to ctb is that it is not because I don't know how nor I'm thinking about what they will do to me after dying—I'm just thinking how sad my funeral will be. Not because of how many people will attend, but how many of those people who knows me truly. I'm saddened for the part that my family, who will obviously take care of my service, will know how lonely my social life is and how most of the peope who will attend there are actually their friends, not mine's. Thinking that my physical body will witness for the very last time how I am not worthy of befriending nor worthy of loving saddens me. I can't help but think of how lonely it must have to not have people in mind who will ugly cry at your funeral. I know no one will do that because I can't think of anyone who knows and love me to the extent that my disapperance will break their heart. I am not self pitying. I'm more than self aware that I am just a noboby, everyone's last choice, and have no right to expect anything especially on the method I'm considering to take my own life, but the last thing I want to give my family is an additional emotional burden. I don't want them to see how a loser I have become. They knew me as happy person, a quick-witted joker whose always there for them when they need it. I just want to be gone. I don't want to inflict more pain to me and to them.
I have been depressed for a long time. After years of being alone, I became more and more sadder and I slowly don't see myself in the future. I don't have the energy and passion to do the things I love nor do basic things I need to do to survive. Everything's getting heavier and heavier. I'm aware that this might be something too much to handle for anyone, but I do believe that no one is aware of what's truly happening to me. I don't have friends I can call my own. If I'm going out, its either I'm with my siblings' friends or with my siblings' partners.
Most of the times, I'm blaming myself for not having friends. But I can't help but wonder that deep inside I know that I'm a good friend. I know I am not a burden. I make effort and give my time to my friends because I know how it feels to be alone. I give my all to them so that they will never experience what I have gone through. It sucks that everyone just end up cuts communication and left me hanging. I wish I was a better friend.
Having said that, having no people around me is a good reason for me to ctb. No one really cares whether I'm gone because even if I didn't leave just yet, I am not really that significant to anyone anymore. There's no point of holding back as I don't have any romantic partners too to think about.
However, one of the reasons why I'm having a hard time to ctb is that it is not because I don't know how nor I'm thinking about what they will do to me after dying—I'm just thinking how sad my funeral will be. Not because of how many people will attend, but how many of those people who knows me truly. I'm saddened for the part that my family, who will obviously take care of my service, will know how lonely my social life is and how most of the peope who will attend there are actually their friends, not mine's. Thinking that my physical body will witness for the very last time how I am not worthy of befriending nor worthy of loving saddens me. I can't help but think of how lonely it must have to not have people in mind who will ugly cry at your funeral. I know no one will do that because I can't think of anyone who knows and love me to the extent that my disapperance will break their heart. I am not self pitying. I'm more than self aware that I am just a noboby, everyone's last choice, and have no right to expect anything especially on the method I'm considering to take my own life, but the last thing I want to give my family is an additional emotional burden. I don't want them to see how a loser I have become. They knew me as happy person, a quick-witted joker whose always there for them when they need it. I just want to be gone. I don't want to inflict more pain to me and to them.
