Fragile
Broken
- Jul 7, 2019
- 1,496
I'm on a short timer, If I don't succeed this time, I'm probably going to have to pray that the tumors that I have are malignant, or that I get a hearth attack. Because the way my illnesses is progressing, I probably won't even be able to have a conversation by the time I'm in my mid 30's, let alone acquire a good method ever again.
My method is N, and I'm one of the very few people that I can say have a very real chance of failing.
Not only have I been using alcohol, benzos, pregabalin and other substances that ruin my gaba tolerance for many years, I also have a very high natural tolerance to it, so you can probably imagine the amount of these drugs that I use.
Then there's the fact that, despite being weak and easy to break in more than one ways, my body is somehow extremely resilient. I've survived things that would have killed most people, from terrible lung infections and asthmatic attacks that lasted weeks, to my first attempt in which I lost over 3 litters of blood without even losing consciousness, and many, many overdoses. both times the doctor told me that it was a miracle, I interpreted it as being deeply cursed.
Maybe I'm overthinking it, I really hope that I am, because I can't picture a worse hell than the aftermath of failing this time. And I didn't even talked about the possible life long consequences from it, like the complete loss of freedom and even worse disabilities than the ones that are already awaiting for me should I continue to live.
I'll try anyway, really soon. I guess that these thoughts are inevitable since the day is slowly approaching.
My method is N, and I'm one of the very few people that I can say have a very real chance of failing.
Not only have I been using alcohol, benzos, pregabalin and other substances that ruin my gaba tolerance for many years, I also have a very high natural tolerance to it, so you can probably imagine the amount of these drugs that I use.
Then there's the fact that, despite being weak and easy to break in more than one ways, my body is somehow extremely resilient. I've survived things that would have killed most people, from terrible lung infections and asthmatic attacks that lasted weeks, to my first attempt in which I lost over 3 litters of blood without even losing consciousness, and many, many overdoses. both times the doctor told me that it was a miracle, I interpreted it as being deeply cursed.
Maybe I'm overthinking it, I really hope that I am, because I can't picture a worse hell than the aftermath of failing this time. And I didn't even talked about the possible life long consequences from it, like the complete loss of freedom and even worse disabilities than the ones that are already awaiting for me should I continue to live.
I'll try anyway, really soon. I guess that these thoughts are inevitable since the day is slowly approaching.
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