darkenmydoorstep
Not Waving But Browned Off….
- Sep 27, 2023
- 594
For a few years now, I've had this thought. The thought is
"Trying to 'get better' is only worth it if you want to stay alive."
Logically speaking, if you truly want to die, surely your real wish is to 'get worse' so the pain of living outweighs and overcomes your fears around dying.
Why would you try and save a thing you don't want?
This is partly why I have never sought any help for my suicidal feelings.
I think professionals would try to convince me to 'get better'. But when you are sure you want to die (as I do), your only desire is to overcome the obstacles that prevent that wish from coming true. For me, those obstacles are physical pain, the uncertainty of guaranteeing of a successful outcome and survival instinct.
I feel like an athlete who so badly wants to psych herself up for a tournament. The only tournament that for me is worth winning. Because it's literally 'end game' and no others have to be played ever again. This is how I relate to self harm. As a means of building a pain tolerance for a final tournament. I fell and hurt myself the other day. I was by the canal. As I lay on the ground, injured, my first thought was "if only my legs were tied, I could just roll in, wouldn't seem so harsh as jumping", but just the thought of my lungs filling up with that horrible water made me scared and resisting. Which leads me back to my regular rant of "why TF isn't Nembutal freely available to consenting, informed sane adults?" It breaks my heart when I think of the lengths people have had to go to to leave this world. It's so cruel.
"Trying to 'get better' is only worth it if you want to stay alive."
Logically speaking, if you truly want to die, surely your real wish is to 'get worse' so the pain of living outweighs and overcomes your fears around dying.
Why would you try and save a thing you don't want?
This is partly why I have never sought any help for my suicidal feelings.
I think professionals would try to convince me to 'get better'. But when you are sure you want to die (as I do), your only desire is to overcome the obstacles that prevent that wish from coming true. For me, those obstacles are physical pain, the uncertainty of guaranteeing of a successful outcome and survival instinct.
I feel like an athlete who so badly wants to psych herself up for a tournament. The only tournament that for me is worth winning. Because it's literally 'end game' and no others have to be played ever again. This is how I relate to self harm. As a means of building a pain tolerance for a final tournament. I fell and hurt myself the other day. I was by the canal. As I lay on the ground, injured, my first thought was "if only my legs were tied, I could just roll in, wouldn't seem so harsh as jumping", but just the thought of my lungs filling up with that horrible water made me scared and resisting. Which leads me back to my regular rant of "why TF isn't Nembutal freely available to consenting, informed sane adults?" It breaks my heart when I think of the lengths people have had to go to to leave this world. It's so cruel.
