When I was little I was so scared of dying. But now I'm realizing that life has a downwards tragectory. And I think this also counts for people that don't have so fucked up life as me. For everyone life is slowly getting worse as they age, it's almost a law of nature. That's why dying is so good, just imagine life would go on like this for ever.
In my case I'm scared to cbt. It is illogical, but I can't do much about it. The idea of ending my life just feels so off. I tried partial hanging few times and one time It was working. Only thought that stayed in my head was "I want to live" and I saved myself with all I got. After that I was sad I interupted it, but that's just how my body feels about dying and I simply don't have enough will power to cbt. I'm trapped in this nightmare.
But when I think about it. None of us is really trapped, we are all going to unavoidably die and this bullshit will end. It makes me feel so calm inside. After all existance is simply imprefection, there needs to be a conflict for anything to be happening. Non existance is perfection and makes much more sense, then existing just for the sake of existing.
I get that one can have a really good life which is worth living. But not all of us are those lucky ones, some of us simply never had a chance. And I'm tired of us pretending that life is fair and just ignore all the extreme inequality. Those that are on the recieving side of inequall system will always keep gaslighting to avoid losing their advantage. I'm glad that this planet will be eaten by sun one day, life on earth was a mistake.
In my case I'm scared to cbt. It is illogical, but I can't do much about it. The idea of ending my life just feels so off. I tried partial hanging few times and one time It was working. Only thought that stayed in my head was "I want to live" and I saved myself with all I got. After that I was sad I interupted it, but that's just how my body feels about dying and I simply don't have enough will power to cbt. I'm trapped in this nightmare.
But when I think about it. None of us is really trapped, we are all going to unavoidably die and this bullshit will end. It makes me feel so calm inside. After all existance is simply imprefection, there needs to be a conflict for anything to be happening. Non existance is perfection and makes much more sense, then existing just for the sake of existing.
I get that one can have a really good life which is worth living. But not all of us are those lucky ones, some of us simply never had a chance. And I'm tired of us pretending that life is fair and just ignore all the extreme inequality. Those that are on the recieving side of inequall system will always keep gaslighting to avoid losing their advantage. I'm glad that this planet will be eaten by sun one day, life on earth was a mistake.
