Venting The older I get, the less practical it becomes to die.

[sdco23]

On my fourteenth birthday, my mom walked in on my partial suspension attempt. She called me an idiot and left my room.
It's been just about a decade now, a few attempts and failed plans later, and I always feel regret about not doing it sooner. I've only had one opportunity for full suspension - back in 2023. I wish I took that. I just knew my relative would find me, and she cares the most about me in my family. Her sister already died in the bathroom of that house a few years earlier. I'm put off by the idea of disturbing her more.

As I get older, I have greater obligations to others and more responsibilities. It's more selfish than ever to die. I have a little dog now, he's so sweet. What would he do if I died? I wonder about filling his bowl up high sometimes and following through partial suspension, but I get scared about how long his food and water would last. I live alone. My relative has been messaging me more because she's worried about me. Maybe she would save him if I didn't respond for a day. Idk.

I wish I could disappear and be forgotten- and also for my dog's safety. He's technically an ESA since I used to not go outside for days-months at a time. I love him and my relative so much.

A few years ago, before him, I wasn't on my relative's radar as much. Now, she's like my mom. If I'd done it a few years ago, it probably would've hurt her less than it would now. She wants the best for me, but I'm starting to think that the best for me is death. grrrr wtf

 

[Dingusguy]

It does seem more and more impractical honestly, family and pets are a blessing and a curse. I decided long a go I didn't want to live anymore but for some odd reason I got myself pets too. Now they rely on me, and I do not wish to hurt my parents, or friends with my passing.

I just sort of exist for the sake and feelings of others now so I think I understand what you're feeling, being cared for and caring for others is hard, and it makes leaving even harder

I hope you can find a way to clear your mind. And I hope you end up feeling better I wish the best to you and your little dog.

 

[tonicer]

I have a similar problem. I want to disappear into nothingness and get rid of this curse but my mother, who always was and still is very nice, understanding and loving to me, is still alive so i have to wait for her to die first. I can't break her heart. She is the only person that gives a fuck about me. She's old (~80) and her health is slowly declining. I guess maybe 10 years maximum. I have to somehow make it, for her sake alone. Take good care of your dog and your relative. We both have to endure this shit a bit longer.

 

[sdco23]

It does seem more and more impractical honestly, family and pets are a blessing and a curse. I decided long a go I didn't want to live anymore but for some odd reason I got myself pets too. Now they rely on me, and I do not wish to hurt my parents, or friends with my passing.

I just sort of exist for the sake and feelings of others now so I think I understand what you're feeling, being cared for and caring for others is hard, and it makes leaving even harder

I hope you can find a way to clear your mind. And I hope you end up feeling better I wish the best to you and your little dog.

Yes it makes leaving so much harder. It'd be nice to disappear and not be remembered.

I have a similar problem. I want to disappear into nothingness and get rid of this curse but my mother, who always was and still is very nice, understanding and loving to me, is still alive so i have to wait for her to die first. I can't break her heart. She is the only person that gives a fuck about me. She's old (~80) and her health is slowly declining. I guess maybe 10 years maximum. I have to somehow make it, for her sake alone. Take good care of your dog and your relative. We both have to endure this shit a bit longer.

I really empathize with that. The best we can do is try our hardest while others are around, but that can be difficult.

 

[paranoias64]

i also relate. i've never attempted before but there have been nights when i was a teen where i stayed up late trying to make myself go through with it. and omg yes! i'm the same age and i have more responsibilities now too. i was pretty lonely until i started going out and making friends about 2 years ago and i wish i did it before then. i volunteer for a cause i believe in and i so deeply want to stay and help others but, i'm too exhausted to care and try and i'm usually pretty miserable. i don't know of a way to ctb that would let all my friends know cause a lot of them do not know each other. i'm trying to rationalize the best way to let everybody know without having to write or leave a note cause i feel like that would make others more distressed after the fact. i think i'm coming to terms with the fact that there is no way to leave that doesn't screw over somebody. whether or not i'll go through with ctb remains to be seen tho.

got any dog pics u'd like to share? i'll share one of mine,, <3

 

[tonicer]

I really empathize with that. The best we can do is try our hardest while others are around, but that can be difficult.

It is extremely difficult. I have a good chance at a job now, they tell me next week if they choose me. I don't really want to work but i do it to give something back to my mom. We both live from her rent and i feel like a damn blood sucker.

 

[Thanatos.br]

I relate to this, I feel like i missed my best opportunity in 2023, and now the more time pass, the harder it is, i have a 8yo nephew that dont have a dad and i'm his best friend, we play video game and boardgames together and it kills me just to think how he'll feel if i ctb, i should had done in 2023 when he was 4~5yo, maybe by now he would had forgotten me; in my country after 2 years, insurance also cover suicide, thats why i signed one in 2021 to leave some money to my family, i had the perfect storm in 2023 to ctb, and postponed bcz it seemed some good things were aligning to happen, but in the end these were just illusions (or maybe just my survival instinct making them more plausible than they really was), and now here we are, each day, hour, minutes, secods it gets harder to leave this world, each second the wound i will leave gets bigger. Sorry for venting in your thread, i was about to open a new one about this, and your seemed similar to what i feel.

 

[StoneCactus]

I really regret not CTB when it was easier. There was a long gap between when I was involuntarily hospitalized and when the state where I was started reporting to NICS (US no-gun list), so I could have moved out of state and CTB with a gun. I also had jobs as an engineer where I worked in labs where I got to spend time alone with commercial inert gas cylinders, and twos places had a large bottles of chloroform I could have stolen a little from without anyone noticing. And I for some idiot reason missed the golden age of darknet markets and didn't buy N when it was readily available, nor did I buy a party helium cylinder before they started mixing oxygen in. Now it's between partial hanging, jumping, and SN with non-prescription AEs/supplements like 6 Shogaol, none of which are good options.

 

[sdco23]

I relate to this, I feel like i missed my best opportunity in 2023, and now the more time pass, the harder it is, i have a 8yo nephew that dont have a dad and i'm his best friend, we play video game and boardgames together and it kills me just to think how he'll feel if i ctb, i should had done in 2023 when he was 4~5yo, maybe by now he would had forgotten me; in my country after 2 years, insurance also cover suicide, thats why i signed one in 2021 to leave some money to my family, i had the perfect storm in 2023 to ctb, and postponed bcz it seemed some good things were aligning to happen, but in the end these were just illusions (or maybe just my survival instinct making them more plausible than they really was), and now here we are, each day, hour, minutes, secods it gets harder to leave this world, each second the wound i will leave gets bigger. Sorry for venting in your thread, i was about to open a new one about this, and your seemed similar to what i feel.

Maybe it's for the best it gets harder to leave. I think he would've still remembered you, but that's a big responsibility to bear. I understand how you feel, but maybe it'll feel rewarding in the future seeing him develop. Never apologize for sharing your feelings! I posted because I've felt this way for a while and I can't tell anyone irl or even online about it.

 

[sdco23]

On my fourteenth birthday, my mom walked in on my partial suspension attempt. She called me an idiot and left my room.
It's been just about a decade now, a few attempts and failed plans later, and I always feel regret about not doing it sooner. I've only had one opportunity for full suspension - back in 2023. I wish I took that. I just knew my relative would find me, and she cares the most about me in my family. Her sister already died in the bathroom of that house a few years earlier. I'm put off by the idea of disturbing her more.

As I get older, I have greater obligations to others and more responsibilities. It's more selfish than ever to die. I have a little dog now, he's so sweet. What would he do if I died? I wonder about filling his bowl up high sometimes and following through partial suspension, but I get scared about how long his food and water would last. I live alone. My relative has been messaging me more because she's worried about me. Maybe she would save him if I didn't respond for a day. Idk.

I wish I could disappear and be forgotten- and also for my dog's safety. He's technically an ESA since I used to not go outside for days-months at a time. I love him and my relative so much.

A few years ago, before him, I wasn't on my relative's radar as much. Now, she's like my mom. If I'd done it a few years ago, it probably would've hurt her less than it would now. She wants the best for me, but I'm starting to think that the best for me is death. grrrr wtf

I actually really want to follow through with it, but I love my dog too much. I'm less bothered by other people now. Who will feed him eggs and fage greek?

 

[Serena fuga]

On my fourteenth birthday, my mom walked in on my partial suspension attempt. She called me an idiot and left my room.
It's been just about a decade now, a few attempts and failed plans later, and I always feel regret about not doing it sooner. I've only had one opportunity for full suspension - back in 2023. I wish I took that. I just knew my relative would find me, and she cares the most about me in my family. Her sister already died in the bathroom of that house a few years earlier. I'm put off by the idea of disturbing her more.

As I get older, I have greater obligations to others and more responsibilities. It's more selfish than ever to die. I have a little dog now, he's so sweet. What would he do if I died? I wonder about filling his bowl up high sometimes and following through partial suspension, but I get scared about how long his food and water would last. I live alone. My relative has been messaging me more because she's worried about me. Maybe she would save him if I didn't respond for a day. Idk.

I wish I could disappear and be forgotten- and also for my dog's safety. He's technically an ESA since I used to not go outside for days-months at a time. I love him and my relative so much.

A few years ago, before him, I wasn't on my relative's radar as much. Now, she's like my mom. If I'd done it a few years ago, it probably would've hurt her less than it would now. She wants the best for me, but I'm starting to think that the best for me is death. grrrr wtf

I'm so sorry about your situation, and I see myself in the same boat... my dog loves me terribly, she'll miss me terribly... I'll leave her at my daughter's house the day I die... you could give yours away to someone, don't leave her alone!!