Venting The more effort I do to improve my life the more suicidal I feel

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Does anyone feel the same?

 

[braketimez]

Hmmm..in a way. What do you mean by "improving your life", exactly?

 

[Deleted member 7141]

Does anyone feel the same?

I think I get what you are saying. Same here. It like everything in the universe is backing you into a cornor.

 

[Nobody's Daughter]

In a faking it to make it way of thinking?
I can relate to that. If it's a strained effort than it probably wasn't one worth taking or the timing wasn't right.

I do it sometimes. I make a huge effort then I feel an enormous amount of obligation and pressure so I usually crash and burn...for years on end.

I peaked 7 years ago.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Hmmm..in a way. What do you mean by "improving your life", exactly?

Read stories of successful people or suicide survivors. Do exercise, meditate, play music. Learn more about a topic I like.

 

[Nem]

Yep, it's like the harder you try the deeper you spin your wheels and get stuck
Peace/hugs

 

[braketimez]

Read stories of successful people or suicide survivors. Do exercise, meditate, play music. Learn more about a topic I like.

Cool. Do you get physically/mentally fatigued from doing it all, so you want to give up?
Or is it more like...the more you try, the more you want to kill yourself because you fear committing to living your life to the fullest?

For me, it's both.

 

[SOWM]

I feel this, it's so frustrating when you're giving everything you have and it's still not enough, I just feel exhausted.

 

[jgm63]

Read stories of successful people or suicide survivors. Do exercise, meditate, play music. Learn more about a topic I like.

One minor point I would make is don't waste energy trying to emulate others.
Each successful person has a totally unique story that can never be recreated.
Just be the best you you can be.
Make your own unique success story, whatever form that may take...
("success" can mean many things)

Also, in general, there can be cases of "trying too hard".
Perhaps when something is right or meant to be, then there will be a bit more "flow" to it, and you won't have to force it quite so much.
That's not an absolute of course.

I realise that the above doesn't just "magically fix everything", but I might be worth seeing if you can apply them, in case it helps a little.....

 

[mote]

The more I try to change the more I think: "Why am I doing this?" I messed up in a messed up world. It's designed to fuck you over if you miss a step. I can't catch up, trying will be a lonely and difficult process.
My life will be catching up. So my life will be lonely and difficult. A constant struggle to erase that this ever happened. It's also all meaningless in the end.
Trying to 'better' myself feels like nothing but going through the motions, struggling, hoping. All for naught. A good life and 'the best death' means you die so old you don't even remember living anyway.
I just want to cut all of it short.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I feel this, it's so frustrating when you're giving everything you have and it's still not enough, I just feel exhausted.

I know what you mean and I made a theory about this some time ago and it goes like this. We are not equals even though society says everyone is equal and the same that simply isn´t true.

I myself have thought for many years with positive thoughts and trying to put myself out there to face my fears (social anxiety) I even have 945 pictures with motivational quotes on them I used as my wallpaper on my PC that would change to a new one every 3-4 hour otherwise if I only chose one I eventually wouldn´t notice it but by having it change several times a day I would give myself some time and contemplate it, I would also read some self help books, bodybuild and eat clean and yes it helps but it didn´t cure me so here is my point.

We are not equal far from it I might have been able to improve my mental strenghts with up to only 20-25% while other people like my little brother were able to maybe improve his 80-90%+ and have achieved so many of his dreams, several educations, he is a big bodybuilder (one of my biggest dreams but I can´t because of an injury and other problems) and he is about to start his own company. Some people are just predetermined to either suffer all their life or commit suicide to escape the pain.

 

[SOWM]

I know what you mean and I made a theory about this some time ago and it goes like this. We are not equals even though society says everyone is equal and the same that simply isn´t true.

I myself have thought for many years with positive thoughts and trying to put myself out there to face my fears (social anxiety) I even have 945 pictures with motivational quotes on them I used as my wallpaper on my PC that would change to a new one every 3-4 hour otherwise if I only chose one I eventually wouldn´t notice it but by having it change several times a day I would give myself some time and contemplate it, I would also read some self help books, bodybuild and eat clean and yes it helps but it didn´t cure me so here is my point.

We are not equal far from it I might have been able to improve my mental strenghts with up to only 20-25% while other people like my little brother were able to maybe improve his 80-90%+ and have achieved so many of his dreams, several educations, he is a big bodybuilder (one of my biggest dreams but I can´t because of an injury and other problems) and he is about to start his own company. Some people are just predetermined to either suffer all their life or commit suicide to escape the pain.

It's a depressing reality but it's probably true. When I'm working so hard and I see other people who literally aren't doing 1% of what I do have 100x more than me I just become resentful and even more certain about CBT.

 

[Muirthemne]

Getting better hurts. You have to give 110% all day, every day, and at least in my case that still wasn't anywhere near good enough.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

It's a depressing reality but it's probably true. When I'm working so hard and I see other people who literally aren't doing 1% of what I do have 100x more than me I just become resentful and even more certain about CBT.

Exactly we work on max capacity and others just give it there 1% and still succeed.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Definitely but that's because what ever I try and do to help myself always fails and shits upon me. It's like I have been born to be tormented. I can't even kill myself successfully. It just feels like groundhog day every day, trying to improve life, it goes wrong, CTB attempt repeat. Wish I could hire someone to euthanasia me.

 

[ghostgirl1995]

I feel like I can't erase what I've said and done so I know the answers already to keep choosing recovery but how do you recover from hurting people :(

 

[I_love_to_bake]

I feel like I can't erase what I've said and done so I know the answers already to keep choosing recovery but how do you recover from hurting people :(

You make a great point. This is the hardest part of recovery for me too. It feels wrong to forgive yourself for doing things you morally disagree with.

 

[sufferingalways]

Definitely but that's because what ever I try and do to help myself always fails and shits upon me. It's like I have been born to be tormented. I can't even kill myself successfully. It just feels like groundhog day every day, trying to improve life, it goes wrong, CTB attempt repeat. Wish I could hire someone to euthanasia me.

Hi, so sorry to hear all the pain you are going through. Have you tried reaching out for therapy support, or any support that helps get you through the shitty periods/ lifelong despair?
hug.

 

[ThisIsIt]

Kind of. I'll try to get better for months on end (like working out and trying to be more social able), but nothing changes for me, and I just sink back down into my hole. I'm just tired at this point. I don't want to die, but I don't want to continue to live like this.

 

[faust]

At this point improving life for me is impossible. The thing I do is trying to make sure my existence does not bother me too much and currently I fail. Instability of the world is affecting my instability and mutually reinforcing each other. There are three stages of the underground I am in. I can temporarily climb to the surface to have some more time, but again everything is very unstable and unclear now.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

At this point improving life for me is impossible

Same here it´s hard when you realize that you are past the point of no return, 7 years ago I still had hopes and dreams and was trying to improve myself and I was much healthier and could workout now I am too far gone both physically and mentally.

I really just need to ctb and get this overwith I haven´t had a social life since I was 17 and I am 26 now and my life also stopped at 17 I just wished I had killed myself when I was 18-19 like I planned then I would have been spared from this horrible future.

 

[faust]

Same here it´s hard when you realize that you are past the point of no return, 7 years ago I still had hopes and dreams and was trying to improve myself and I was much healthier and could workout now I am too far gone both physically and mentally.

I really just need to ctb and get this overwith I haven´t had a social life since I was 17 and I am 26 now and my life also stopped at 17 I just wished I had killed myself when I was 18-19 like I planned then I would have been spared from this horrible future.

I think it is sometimes hard to accept that so much time has passed. I was considering suicide when I was 16 and planned to make it when I would be already 17. Well, it is a long discussion if I regret not doing that then or I don't, however, considering this, we are never staying on one spot, we are moving. And if we have moved too far during these years, it is a long way home. And the difference in time "mileage" is what makes us forget returning back. It is very complicated. I crossed the line a few months ago, not sure where and when, I do not keep track of time, but if everything goes as it does now, I am heading for the last phase of my journey.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Hi, so sorry to hear all the pain you are going through. Have you tried reaching out for therapy support, or any support that helps get you through the shitty periods/ lifelong despair?
hug.

Thanks for the hug, Yes I have weekly therapy but just seems pointless now, everything is just getting shittier and shittier. The only support I have is my therapist but I need more than that but I can't afford anything else.

 

[sufferingalways]

Thanks for the hug, Yes I have weekly therapy but just seems pointless now, everything is just getting shittier and shittier. The only support I have is my therapist but I need more than that but I can't afford anything else.

If you need a shoulder of support my Dm box is open. I know how it feels to be in that situation and im still feeling crap with lockdown, lots of complicated things, so I empathise, and you can message me if you need to. Hug

 

[ssaaahmo]

i f

Does anyone feel the same?

i feel the same way. i'm worried it'll never be enough and the things i can't change will haunt me forever

 

[madgod]

Does anyone feel the same?

honestly yeah.... even when things are good i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and can't honestly enjoy the good. when others love me i feel i don't deserve it or guilt for my heart hurting even when they're around

 

[Redpanda18]

Does anyone feel the same?

YES. It's like every instant gratification I have from what I did makes me feel worse in the long run. I'm essentially checking off boxes on how to 'fix' myself but nothing is long lasting. Even things I legitimately enjoy. Nothing is ever enough to make this all feel worth it.