The middle of the night hits the hardest

[mlmc045]

It's past 3am. I should really be asleep but here I am, alone with my thoughts, which is not a great place to be. I feel overwhelmingly anxious about many things, to the point I just feel numb. To be honest, I know it's my fault. There are ways to get better at sleeping, but in my typical self-sabotaging manner, I don't do things that can help myself. I don't feel particularly tired in this moment, but it's no wonder I feel lifeless and void of energy in the day. I feel tired of existence. I feel like a barely functional human, although I have the potential to do and be a lot. Time doesn't feel real, and I am pretty detached from reality at this point. My cat came to rest on my chest for a short while - I found comfort in her soft, warm presence but then I moved, and subsequently she did too. I'm still soothed by the fact she's near me. I did read for a bit, which is something I've only very recently been able to do again, usually in short bursts. I used to read voraciously as a teenager, and it became something I let go of for a long time, and as the years passed, I guess I found I lacked the attention span when I tried to, having become an addict to the ease of watching something. I rarely watch things now, I just feel like I have no interest. It is in these hours, I find myself replaying past mistakes and often, mulling over methods. I'm not sure how I'd go. I've explored many possibilities. Obviously N is the dream, but I probably won't get my hands on it, I haven't tried very hard though.I don't feel drawn to SN or hanging, which seem to be popular, successful options. Sometimes I don't feel deserving of a peaceful exit anyway. There are a couple of methods I feel more inclined towards, some a bit more obscure and therefore would have to be planned meticulously. Sometimes I like looking over my notes, and refining them. I've written several sets of goodbye notes over time, usually closer to the intended end in my head. The fear of surviving an attempt cripples me, it's happened once and it is my biggest regret. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, I can't remember where I was going with this. I feel like my presence just bothers people, although rationally I know that is probably not true. Still, keeping to myself is a good way forward. I should stop rambling and try to sleep. To be honest, I don't want to sleep. I like the quiet and darkness of the night. If I even post this, I'll probably delete it soon. Is it even in the right section? Is there anything to discuss? I feel like an attention seeker, but this is not worth acknowledging (which sounds very attention seeking in itself haha). I'm not looking for advice on sleeping, as well intended as that may be. Kind words are also not required, it's pretty hard to internalise being deserving of anything good. The thought is appreciated if it crosses your mind, but don't waste your energy. If anyone is reading this, I hope you are doing okay. I'm sorry life has been unkind to you, and I hope things get better in this life, or you find eternal rest if you desire it. I hope I don't wake up, but I know I'm young and generally physically well, so the chances of that are ridiculously slim, but a girl can dream. Why does death come easily for those who don't desire it the way I frequently do? I'd like to hold space if anyone does want to say anything: what do you find difficult about the night? Or the day? What you want to share, if only to place it somewhere other than the torment of inner dialogue? Sending love and light always x

 

[ZardozOmega]

Agreed. The minutes before falling asleep are always the worst part of the day because it forces you to think about the mess you currently find yourself in. I often cry myself to sleep because of that.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

It's past 3am. I should really be asleep but here I am, alone with my thoughts, which is not a great place to be. I feel overwhelmingly anxious about many things, to the point I just feel numb. To be honest, I know it's my fault. There are ways to get better at sleeping, but in my typical self-sabotaging manner, I don't do things that can help myself. I don't feel particularly tired in this moment, but it's no wonder I feel lifeless and void of energy in the day. I feel tired of existence. I feel like a barely functional human, although I have the potential to do and be a lot. Time doesn't feel real, and I am pretty detached from reality at this point. My cat came to rest on my chest for a short while - I found comfort in her soft, warm presence but then I moved, and subsequently she did too. I'm still soothed by the fact she's near me. I did read for a bit, which is something I've only very recently been able to do again, usually in short bursts. I used to read voraciously as a teenager, and it became something I let go of for a long time, and as the years passed, I guess I found I lacked the attention span when I tried to, having become an addict to the ease of watching something. I rarely watch things now, I just feel like I have no interest. It is in these hours, I find myself replaying past mistakes and often, mulling over methods. I'm not sure how I'd go. I've explored many possibilities. Obviously N is the dream, but I probably won't get my hands on it, I haven't tried very hard though.I don't feel drawn to SN or hanging, which seem to be popular, successful options. Sometimes I don't feel deserving of a peaceful exit anyway. There are a couple of methods I feel more inclined towards, some a bit more obscure and therefore would have to be planned meticulously. Sometimes I like looking over my notes, and refining them. I've written several sets of goodbye notes over time, usually closer to the intended end in my head. The fear of surviving an attempt cripples me, it's happened once and it is my biggest regret. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, I can't remember where I was going with this. I feel like my presence just bothers people, although rationally I know that is probably not true. Still, keeping to myself is a good way forward. I should stop rambling and try to sleep. To be honest, I don't want to sleep. I like the quiet and darkness of the night. If I even post this, I'll probably delete it soon. Is it even in the right section? Is there anything to discuss? I feel like an attention seeker, but this is not worth acknowledging (which sounds very attention seeking in itself haha). I'm not looking for advice on sleeping, as well intended as that may be. Kind words are also not required, it's pretty hard to internalise being deserving of anything good. The thought is appreciated if it crosses your mind, but don't waste your energy. If anyone is reading this, I hope you are doing okay. I'm sorry life has been unkind to you, and I hope things get better in this life, or you find eternal rest if you desire it. I hope I don't wake up, but I know I'm young and generally physically well, so the chances of that are ridiculously slim, but a girl can dream. Why does death come easily for those who don't desire it the way I frequently do? I'd like to hold space if anyone does want to say anything: what do you find difficult about the night? Or the day? What you want to share, if only to place it somewhere other than the torment of inner dialogue? Sending love and light always x

Sending virtual hugs...
I'm also very anxious after dark. I hate going to bed before it's light outside (why? I'm scared someone will break in my house and, well... ) So winter months I tend to stay up till around 5 - 6 am, usually falling asleep on settee, but if I go to bed when it's still dark, I leave lights on all around the house.
I think my fears stem from when I was a child. If my parents went out for the night, I'd sit at their bedroom window waiting and watching for them to return home for hours... for their car to appear over the bridge, and then I would go to my bed and feel safe, and sleep.

 

[Luchs]

I feel kinda disturbed, because what you are describing, about late night feelings, self-sabotage, even the reading part matches my story creepily well. I kinda feel a bit better, knowing that someone has had such a similar story to mine.

I hope that you get better and don't have to ctb, but if you do I wish you a good exit.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I feel that same detachment.

I'm not an active participant in my life. Just something passive.

I look for peace, I wait for peace. I don't know where I'll find it.

 

[Disappointered]

I too hate those many long moments where I am truly alone with my thoughts and me sense of being as a solitary soul lingering unhealthily, largely isolated, in this world. I often feel like a ghost until i am forced to leave the house at which point I feel like a lame animal at odds with the pack i am living amongst. many years ago i remember coming to fully understand the meaning of the buddhist term 'hungry ghost'. But even with all appetites turned off, past memories and regrets along with basic boredom impose themselves as surprisingly heavy chains.

 

[booray]

I'm alone all the time w my dark thoughts. In the middle of the night, I feel even more alone, and my thoughts are even darker.

 

[Pookie]

I'm always in a state of grief when I'm awake. I have health issues and grieve the things I've lost due to it, the things I can no longer do. I'm often in a state of disbelief that my life has turned out this way. I was relatively young when my health issues started.

I often daydream about the good old days when I was still healthy. But even the good memories are tainted because they remind me of what I no longer have. So now I don't even try to think of the good memories because they evolve into bad and very painful memories. I don't even listen to music anymore which I used to love, because they also serve as torturous reminders.

Basically I don't want to think anymore, I wish I could just be high or asleep all the time. I want death so that the thoughts and pain can end. I want to be erased.

 

[Disappointered]

@Pookie I can relate to the music thing a lot.

 

[booray]

@Pookie I can relate to the music thing a lot.

I second that. Used to be a big music fan. Now I just prefer empty silence.

 

[mlmc045]

My cat is sleeping on me as if a moment hasn't passed since I shared my thoughts the other night. I am sat frustratedly wishing the hug reaction didn't look so damn smiley?? I want to give a sombre hug! Some nights feel endless, tonight I'm better at almost choosing(?) to have an empty mind, not arguing or holding on to thoughts, just letting them pass. The rest of me also feels hollow, but heavy at the same time. Weird.

 

[loopylou]

I can relate . The night is when I feel totally alone. You know they say if a cat sits on your chest they are trying to heal you

 

[LivingANDDying26]

It's eerie (but comforting) when I read a post and feel like I could've wrote it.

I totally relate to everything said and im jealous you have a cat :p that being said I always end up falling asleep early and sometimes am up by 3am(or dont sleep at all)

I love the night time/ the peace of it/ the quiet but!!!! Being an insomniac I sometimes hate it. I feel like any lonliness or any anxiety etc etc can just be exasperated.

Most times when im feeling too much I just wanna sleep so.. to not be able to sleep AND be all up in the night is shit.