Venting The mental pain grows each day

[Painless_end]

My life has been utterly devastated because of how weak I am. I could have changed it if I could make a really big decision back when I needed to.

But I couldn't, I decided to step back. To become cowardly, to opt for "safety" over "growth". It seemed like the correct decision, but in hindsight it has ruined me.

I wish I could die, but life won't let me go so easily. I am like a prisoner of war, chained in enemy camp.

My reality is so horrible, I can't bring myself to face it, and yet I can't bring myself to end it.

Oh God, what have I done. I have ruined my own life. Every day life makes me look at my own misery.

And there is no escape. I have been trying to escape things all my life. But now there is no escape. I am utterly destroyed inside.

I wish I had never been born, but I have to accept my fate now. Because I am unable to end it.

What have I done.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Existence as a human is a tricky trap. We are so much affected by deterministic factors yet we do have the liability of free will. While we may act in ways that are destructive to our wellbeing in society even when it is in accordance to how we are as people, we cant but blame ourselves for our state because of society's standards

 

[Crazy4u]

I completely understand "Safety over Growth". I'm like this too and it is driving me crazy. Choosing safety didn't work well after all.
I ruined my life too and there is no way to improve it. It is over. I accepted my fate and I see CTB on the horizon. I'm at peace with my decision to CTB

 

[Lost Magic]

I feel more tormented by mental illness each passing day as well. I remember a couple of years back, I lost an incredible amount of weight while I was grieving. I thought and wished that my heart would just stop and I would die in my sleep. When that didn't happen, I wished I had a gun to blow my fucking brains out. Wishful thinking didn't turn out so well. Now, I have Sodium Nitrite and the pills to go with it, I am actively planning my suicide. This is the year I have to die.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living is very painful, and I know it can be dreadful to be trapped in a hopeless situation, where things can only get worse. I wish I was never born too, as existence itself is the cause of all suffering. I'm sorry you are going through this. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.