The loneliness is suffocating

[Mistake of Nature]

The weight of being alone is too overwhelming. I was born with something missing within me and I can't find it or manufacture it. I don't know how to make myself whole – to make myself human. I just cannot fucking connect to anyone no matter how hard I try or how many times I put myself out there. I can't touch them or feel them in any way.

There is a thick, impenetrable plane of glass between me and the world. No one can get through and I can't reach out. I watch everyone else live their lives and I'm screaming, crying, pounding the glass in wild and feral desperation, but no one sees me or hears me. Am I even real? Do I really exist? Why doesn't anyone see or hear me? Or do they, but they just don't care?

And yet, despite all this suffering, I still can't bring myself to put myself out of my misery. I can't stay and I can't go. Where does that leave me?

Please, someone tell me that they understand. That they can relate in some way, no matter how small. Please?

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, I'd decided to become a NEET some months ago. I was forever alone. I talked to NOBODY. Only my dad, mom and dog.
It was so depressing. I needed more people!

I can really relate to what you say. Still, you can make new relationships, even here on ss! I've even dated a girl from here!!!!!!! So, just like Nike has said: IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING!

 

[weepingfree]

You hit on something for me, that suffocating feeling. How big it is, and how heavy. And how I've tried to understand it, and I've pretended it wasn't there, and I've explained it to therapists... But a huge shard of glass is not going anywhere, and so we're living on the wrong side of it.

My wish to leave this place mixes with the stupid hope that life can get better. So any time anyone promises me something that could conceivably improve my mind or my life, I jump all over it. Oh, meditation, oh this neurological exam, this amount of exercise, this diet. No, I still want to plunge a knife into my flesh. And I still don't.

I googled this board tonight and found that someone had gotten it removed from google results... assholes. They complain about suicide and people who went through with it. Fuck that — I am grateful that those people could do it. If you want to go, as I have wanted to for 25 years, you should be able to die in peace. This place is a shelter.

 

[searchingfreedom]

I can relate to everything you've written. You truly explained it so well. Everything I've been feeling for years but could never put into words. The constant feeling of loneliness, being ignored, when all you want is someone to notice you, for someone to genuinely care. It is certainly unbearable at times. Sending you hugs and love my friend. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever want to talk. I am here for you

 

[Garbage Person]

I'm not currently feeling this, but I certainly have and likely will again eventually. For now, I've settled into my solitude and can feel myself completely giving up on any prospects related to relationships. I'm always stressed, bored, and/or tired. I'm likely going to stress out or bore any company even if it was possible to share my space with others. I just don't have the energy to entertain people, and I'd never expect someone to hang around a husk. Everything seems to be predictably awful, aside from sleep. Expectations are never met, so I just ditched them all and no longer care about much. At least I can spend my free time in a quiet place, alone. No expectations, no judgement, no advertising, no emotional or financial parasites, just me. I don't have to hear about how I'm a piece of shit for not having enough energy to cook, clean, or wake up at an acceptable time. I can beat myself up just fine, don't really need any help.

It's no greener on this side, but I hope you make it full circle or fulfil your needs.

 

[jesse]

I can relate. I long for connection, but am constantly denied it. It's like people reach out to a phantom in the emptiness instead of to me. No matter how hard I scream, no one notices the real me. Most of the time I don't scream at all. I've become tired of screaming. A few incredible moments in my life, someone actually saw me, and then rejected what they saw. Sometimes I don't know why I haven't given up already. Not sure why I'd want to connect to this filthy world anyways, full of hate and suffering. Why I fight so hard to be accepted by a world that doesn't want me is beyond my understanding.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I love your avatar and the way your post is written. They both resonates with me. I am also alone, or rather, I am lonely, infinitely lonely - surrounded by people, yet unable to form meaningful connections. I don't think anyone truly knows or can connect with someone else. I think we are all islands drifting aimlessly through the huge void of this incomprehensible universe.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

I can understand. I have no one to connect with and those I've come close to connecting me always leave. Tomorrow is Valentine's day and it's gonna be a nightmare.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I used to feel this way, until I realized that connecting with others "out there" always ended up in a disaster for me.

Now, I watch the world go by outside my window and that glass wall (window) is my protector. It took a couple of years to reach this point, though. I stopped blaming myself for other people's actions. What did I do wrong to deserve this? I must be an awful person. What must I change to be liked and respected? I finally realized that if I didn't want to be used and abused, I had to lock them out. I blocked those people on my phone. I added extra locks on all doors and windows (probably not necessary but it felt symbolically good and put me in control).

Why care about someone who does not care about you? Life is more peaceful without them. Yes, sometimes lonely but that is better than the hurt from others.

I have become more reclusive and see it as a peaceful way of life now. We shall see if this works long term.

 

[Caycee]

You are a gifted writer, and I encourage you to immerse yourself in that work. I have not been able to maintain friendships with women over my life, and I've come to see that they all seem to mirror my relationship with my toxic Mother (she resented the role of mother and having to raise me). I've even had some girls/women state that they don't really know why they dislike me, but they just do. I've been OK with men, but the fact is there are no humans around anymore. I've discovered that as time passes, the potential for friendship falls away, as people already have their group, plus family. I'm surrounded by dogs and cats, and I've developed a sort of second person within myself to talk to. I'm aware of my actions and don't think another being has entered my psyche, but in a way, I do treat this "friend" as the other. She promises to be there for me through life and after life.

I feel, based on my own history, that if we had a difficult relationship with a parent, we will see it again and again in romance and/or friendship. While I haven't fully researched autism, I believe I'm there. The spectrum appears to be broad, and even a touch of it can set a person up for difficulty in connecting to other humans (we seem to do well with animals and nature). I sometimes wake in the night with the thought, 'I am utterly alone,' and my body goes cold with fear. I am doing my best to stop it by being in the moment, and I've begun to follow the 12-Step adage of "one day at a time." I must stop forecasting far into the future and seeing myself alone every day, every minute, though that could be the way it goes. I remind myself that human company has been removed, but I can still find companionship and embrace a different kind of fulfillment. The urge toward people and the painful realization of my isolation from them remain, but everything is softened.

We have to be with the characteristics we are given. Some can be changed if the motivation exists, and what can't be changed can be viewed from a different POV. I see intelligence and love in animals and nature, so I deepen my connection to them, and I intend to share my findings through writing. Nature doesn't turn away from me and appreciates my respectful attention. Those of us who have been given a life as an outlier can decide to consciously engage with the experience and make something of it. I write, care for myself, go within, and spend as much time in nature as possible. I wonder if it is possible to live a long, solitary life, but if not, then carry on.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

Thank you all for making me feel less alone I'd respond to each one of your helpful responses but simply don't have the energy right now. The supportive nature of this forum never ceases to surprise me. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, my PM's are open and I'll do my best to be there for you.

For now, I've settled into my solitude and can feel myself completely giving up on any prospects related to relationships...

At times I think I've finally reached this stage of acceptance – logically, I know I have nothing to offer anyone and I too often find social interaction exhausting anyway – but inevitably, I once again become acutely aware of the gaping void inside myself. An endless cycle. There's certainly an appeal and sense of freedom associated with not having to "perform" for others though. I hope you find what you need as well.

I love your avatar and the way your post is written. They both resonates with me. I am also alone, or rather, I am lonely, infinitely lonely - surrounded by people, yet unable to form meaningful connections. I don't think anyone truly knows or can connect with someone else. I think we are all islands drifting aimlessly through the huge void of this incomprehensible universe.

I'm sorry you feel similarly. Your last sentence is a truth that I've slowly been coming to terms with but that I don't really want to accept. Deep down I know that the type of connection I need doesn't exist, but it's frightening to confront this reality.

Now, I watch the world go by outside my window and that glass wall (window) is my protector...

This is such an interesting way to look at the situation. I'm going to try to adopt a similar perspective as I think it may help me cope for the time being. Thank you! I've been fortunate that I haven't had experience with being abused or hurt by others, and I'm truly sorry that you've had the opposite happen in your life.

We have to be with the characteristics we are given. Some can be changed if the motivation exists, and what can't be changed can be viewed from a different POV. I see intelligence and love in animals and nature, so I deepen my connection to them, and I intend to share my findings through writing. Nature doesn't turn away from me and appreciates my respectful attention. Those of us who have been given a life as an outlier can decide to consciously engage with the experience and make something of it. I write, care for myself, go within, and spend as much time in nature as possible. I wonder if it is possible to live a long, solitary life, but if not, then carry on.

Thank you for such an insightful comment. Your entire response gives me much to contemplate, but in particular, your thoughts about creating a second person within oneself for company, cultivating connections with nature, and learning to coexist with the pain caused by the lack of human relationships resonated with me strongly. I think my problem is that my motivation to fight for my life and change the way I interact with the world and myself is non-existent. There are moments when I am so heavily immersed in the loneliness that I swear I can physically feel myself shutting down – my heart and breathing rate slow, my limbs become heavy, my consciousness starts to fade – as if my body is acknowledging that I am not fit for existence...and who am I to go against nature? Sometimes I think it's easier to just succumb to the suffering, but that carries its own set of challenges too.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

These are very interesting posts!!

Thank you all!

 

[Gaybonez]

The weight of being alone is too overwhelming. I was born with something missing within me and I can't find it or manufacture it. I don't know how to make myself whole – to make myself human. I just cannot fucking connect to anyone no matter how hard I try or how many times I put myself out there. I can't touch them or feel them in any way.

There is a thick, impenetrable plane of glass between me and the world. No one can get through and I can't reach out. I watch everyone else live their lives and I'm screaming, crying, pounding the glass in wild and feral desperation, but no one sees me or hears me. Am I even real? Do I really exist? Why doesn't anyone see or hear me? Or do they, but they just don't care?

And yet, despite all this suffering, I still can't bring myself to put myself out of my misery. I can't stay and I can't go. Where does that leave me?

Please, someone tell me that they understand. That they can relate in some way, no matter how small. Please?

Are you actually referring to being alone or loneliness? Are you describing how you can never be one with another truly? How it's just 2 or more individuals coming together than one as a whole? That's just a truth of life. Or are you just talking about how you can't relate to others?

 

[notreallynow]

Feel it all. It's not being loved I miss so much as loving. Soul is empty. Everything is done. I'm not ill, I just don't want to live loveless, don't see why I should be ok with it.

 

[Hurt]

Loneliness is killing me right now.. I've never felt this way.

 

[Last chance]

This is how I am feeling right now. The only difference is I have moments of connection and then its snatched away from me again. Its happened so many times now that while I have the connection I am afraid of when I am going to lose it again and when I do lose it its harder to deal with because I know exactly how I am going to feel and how hard it is going to be.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

Are you actually referring to being alone or loneliness? Are you describing how you can never be one with another truly? How it's just 2 or more individuals coming together than one as a whole? That's just a truth of life. Or are you just talking about how you can't relate to others?

A little bit of both. I realize that to fully understand and know another and to truly be with a person is a fantasy, but I mostly just want to feel like I'm a part of this world, that I'm a part of humanity. I feel fundamentally different from others and no matter how well I can get along with a person on a superficial level (though even this is extraordinarily rare), there's always this distance between us that can never be bridged.

Words are the worst form of communication, have you tried starting at people and/or touching them?

I don't know how to properly communicate with people at all, verbally or otherwise.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

A little bit of both. I realize that to fully understand and know another and to truly be with a person is a fantasy, but I mostly just want to feel like I'm a part of this world, that I'm a part of humanity. I feel fundamentally different from others and no matter how well I can get along with a person on a superficial level (though even this is extraordinarily rare), there's always this distance between us that can never be bridged.

Words are the worst form of communication, have you tried starting at people and/or touching them?

 

[Gaybonez]

A little bit of both. I realize that to fully understand and know another and to truly be with a person is a fantasy, but I mostly just want to feel like I'm a part of this world, that I'm a part of humanity. I feel fundamentally different from others and no matter how well I can get along with a person on a superficial level (though even this is extraordinarily rare), there's always this distance between us that can never be bridged.


I don't know how to properly communicate with people at all, verbally or otherwise.

Ok. It seems like you're either annoyed by "the game" or you haven't found an actual friend or a lover. The only part I can help with is that you just kinda accept it. Life is just a game and people are too. That doesn't mean you should harm them, but you get my point I think. As for the communication part, as condescending as this might sound, have you visited a psychiatrist and considered treatment if you have disorders? I am by no fan of forced treatment. I am just saying you can willingly go there and ask for some help. You should obviously not tell them you are planning to kill yourself otherwise you will have forced treatment. That's the only start I can give you. You seem to express feelings of disconnect which could be unsolvable, but it could just be you being unable to let people in somehow by your personality. Also, once the mental illness thing is in check, go to some events you like. Is there any hobbies you take up? Do you like video games? Go to a convention then

That's my advice. It might help and it might not.

 

[gtrfvr]

I feel, based on my own history, that if we had a difficult relationship with a parent, we will see it again and again in romance and/or friendship. While I haven't fully researched autism, I believe I'm there. The spectrum appears to be broad, and even a touch of it can set a person up for difficulty in connecting to other humans

I've come to the same conclusion. 40 years too late of course. Maintaining a connection to people has been mostly impossible for me. There's a language they speak that's almost completely inaccessible.

I've ruined a marriage, failed at parenting and have always had a strained relationship with my mother even though I do love her and she is a good person.

If I somehow manage to dig my way out of the current mess, I'm getting a dog. I've always liked dogs even though I've never had my own pets.

Thank you for articulating the all encompassing loneliness. It helps to know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

 

[MAA Ke pass]

The weight of being alone is too overwhelming. I was born with something missing within me and I can't find it or manufacture it. I don't know how to make myself whole – to make myself human. I just cannot fucking connect to anyone no matter how hard I try or how many times I put myself out there. I can't touch them or feel them in any way.

There is a thick, impenetrable plane of glass between me and the world. No one can get through and I can't reach out. I watch everyone else live their lives and I'm screaming, crying, pounding the glass in wild and feral desperation, but no one sees me or hears me. Am I even real? Do I really exist? Why doesn't anyone see or hear me? Or do they, but they just don't care?

And yet, despite all this suffering, I still can't bring myself to put myself out of my misery. I can't stay and I can't go. Where does that leave me?

Please, someone tell me that they understand. That they can relate in some way, no matter how small. Please?

I have same feeling

 

[Mistake of Nature]

Ok. It seems like you're either annoyed by "the game" or you haven't found an actual friend or a lover. The only part I can help with is that you just kinda accept it. Life is just a game and people are too. That doesn't mean you should harm them, but you get my point I think. As for the communication part, as condescending as this might sound, have you visited a psychiatrist and considered treatment if you have disorders? I am by no fan of forced treatment. I am just saying you can willingly go there and ask for some help. You should obviously not tell them you are planning to kill yourself otherwise you will have forced treatment. That's the only start I can give you. You seem to express feelings of disconnect which could be unsolvable, but it could just be you being unable to let people in somehow by your personality. Also, once the mental illness thing is in check, go to some events you like. Is there any hobbies you take up? Do you like video games? Go to a convention then

That's my advice. It might help and it might not.

Yes, I think acceptance is my most realistic option (aside from CTBing, which I'm still working towards) as there is no remedy for the problems I have, though I don't know if I'll ever get there. Some days I can pretend that I can survive feeling so alone, but there are times when it becomes too much to bear.

I don't have any real interests or hobbies so it's tough for me to put myself out there, but I'll be visiting a mental health professional soon so perhaps I'll get a diagnosis and some help to hold me off until I can CTB.

Thank you for the advice

 

[Loser47]

But not enough to suffocate me to death o.O

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, I lost a few key family members and friends over the years. I understand loneliness. It hurts like hell. I just keep try to keep my mind as busy as possible, but it doesn't always work. I always felt like a bit of an outsider in this world.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know how you feel. But I don't exactly feel lonely in an physical sense, like needing to be around others. I feel it within myself, like I'm trapped with my own thoughts and there is an empty feeling at all times. I do feel disconnected from other people and this world in general.