Venting The horrors of health anxiety & anorectal problems

[Rounded Apathy]

I have a history of anorectal issues which has been one of the main things leading me to feel like not living, and given me health anxiety; not a fun combo I tell you. While the problems I have actually experienced have been in remission for some months, there are possible new complications that could show up and every unpleasant or unusual sensation causes me such dread, a gripping fear something is about to start down the path of a whole new world of horrors. This is such an awful part of the body to have things fucked up in given the combination of it being something that has to get used in this daily ritualistic way and cannot be stopped, and is also in this weird space between internal and external but not being able to really look at anything.

It's fucking maddening when things are anything but totally unremarkable, because I'm at a slightly elevated risk of an abscess there, which would need surgical intervention and in half the cases ('m likely in this camp) treatment doesn't stop things from turning into a fistula (you don't want to know what that is), also needing treatment. Today I've been feeling this weird sensation all fucking day that has my mind completely in the shits, and there's no one in my life I can even be with to help me not think about this for five minutes. I can't focus on other things, entertainment or this course I finally started after lots of time putting it off due to a fear something would go wrong if dropped the money for it, because that seems to be a trend in my life. Shit really hitting the fan whenever I try and do something to turn things positive.

Of course it could just be nothing, and for the past several months all other times like this have been. But I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. If it was only the metal or the physical aspect I think I'd be in a much better place to deal with either. But I can't stand or unravel the awful interconnection and it makes me want to just fucking die. I guess I'm just ranting but if anyone has any tips for these kinds of things would be nice to hear.

 

[SadJessu]

I'm sorry that I can't offer any useful information, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. It must be terrible to have to deal with health issues surrounding such a sensitive area of the body. Hoping the recent sensations are nothing more than a scare and you can continue your courses in peace.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

I'm sorry that I can't offer any useful information, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. It must be terrible to have to deal with health issues surrounding such a sensitive area of the body. Hoping the recent sensations are nothing more than a scare and you can continue your courses in peace.

Thank you. Yes, the physical symptoms - when they aren't thoroughly debilitating - are mild at worst, but it's largely the mental component has thoroughly ravaged my quality of life. Always worrying about how my BM will go, stressing until it's over, unless it's not literally perfect in which case more stress till I feel nothing...almost seems like another life when this wasn't such an awful focal point of my existence.

 

[darkcirclesunder]

I have a untreated fistula for 11 years now. Its driving me to ctb. The worst thing you can do is stress out about it, and you can not stress eat, dont eat things like chocolates, caffeine, soda, alcohol, pasta, fast food, spicy food. I probably fucked up my ass so bad im scared to go through with this surgery

 

[Cathy Ames]

I have a untreated fistula for 11 years now. Its driving me to ctb. The worst thing you can do is stress out about it, and you can not stress eat, dont eat things like chocolates, caffeine, soda, alcohol, pasta, fast food, spicy food. I probably fucked up my ass so bad im scared to go through with this surgery

I don't know if this is helpful, but I used to know someone who'd had a fistula and had surgery. I met him well after the surgery, and things were a complete nonissue at that point. He did (once) describe how confusing and horrible it had been, while the fistula was occurring. Can you ask the surgeon for more info about what the prognosis would be, given your history and current condition?

 

[darkcirclesunder]

I don't know if this is helpful, but I used to know someone who'd had a fistula and had surgery. I met him well after the surgery, and things were a complete nonissue at that point. He did (once) describe how confusing and horrible it had been, while the fistula was occurring. Can you ask the surgeon for more info about what the prognosis would be, given your history and current condition?

The only reason i have delayed the surgery is the county hospital i would have it done at has very bad reviews and multiple people have died there in the past few months from medical neglect. Ill have to get in contact with another doctor or hospital maybe.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's so awful how our bodies are capable of torturing us so much, leaving us with health problems that could get worse at any moment. I see it as being one of the most horrible things associated with existing. I'm sorry that you have to go through all this. I understand that it's so dreadful when life just gets worse. I wish you relief.

 

[Cathy Ames]

The only reason i have delayed the surgery is the county hospital i would have it done at has very bad reviews and multiple people have died there in the past few months from medical neglect. Ill have to get in contact with another doctor or hospital maybe.

I hope you can do that soon.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Thanks @FuneralCry. @darkcirclesunder - Jesus christ, 11?! I didn't think it would be possible to live so long with something like that! Sorry about the awful hospital situation, that sounds like a nightmare. I'm not in the US but if you are, the idea that one would have to pay an exorbitant amount of money to be mistreated by people that literally have your life in your hands is just...ugh. Please do look into other options if they exist.

I'm in Canada where the medical institution is no better - these doctors are still getting paid unreasonable sums, just not directly by their patients. Some here believe if anything that allows them to be even more negligent since they don't really have to "sell" you their services. Either way, the other downside is the system is horribly overburdened and bureaucratic and people routinely have to wait laughable amounts of time for anything "specialised", including life-saving and life-allowing things, especially since covid.