The good thing about being extremely suicidal

[Lazy]

Lately my desire to ctb has increased drastically and I've noticed how much less I now care for certain things. I remember that just a year ago never getting into a relationship, being unable to make friends and missing lectures being some of my greatest concerns that kept me up at night. Nowadays the desire to die is just so overwhelming "loud" that these and so many other issues just get pushed into the background.
Another factor are the changes to my problem solving ability that I've observed. Even the slightest inconveniences and tasks my brain sees as a reason to kill myself. I know this is pathetic but so am I so it fits ig.

Just wanted to share and know whether this happens to anyone else.

 

[Macedonian1987]

Lately my desire to ctb has increased drastically and I've noticed how much less I now care for certain things. I remember that just a year ago never getting into a relationship, being unable to make friends and missing lectures being some of my greatest concerns that kept me up at night. Nowadays the desire to die is just so overwhelming "loud" that these and so many other issues just get pushed into the background.
Another factor are the changes to my problem solving ability that I've observed. Even the slightest inconveniences and tasks my brain sees as a reason to kill myself. I know this is pathetic but so am I so it fits ig.

Just wanted to share and know whether this happens to anyone else.

Something similar is happening to me, as my urge to kill myself grows stronger with each passing year, friendships and relationships become more and more irrelevant to me, and once simple tasks are now becoming a difficult burden. The reason for this is the fact that the brain is getting tired of feeling constant sadness (constant sadness consumes a lot of the brain's resources) and the brain has barely any resources left for anything else like chores or relationships.

 

[mysticatedwine]

i don't really feel any of this carefreeness.

i chose to still do my best during the few months that i have left. what if my attempt ended in a failure? i'd want to have some things to hold onto. so i still go to my lectures, and try however i can to take care of my friendships (even though i have a very hard time doing so)

 

[NutOrat]

Another factor are the changes to my problem solving ability that I've observed. Even the slightest inconveniences and tasks my brain sees as a reason to kill myself.

Same! Every roadblock I face instantly triggers the "I want to die" phrase, as if to justify me not wanting to deal with it.

 

[perishsong]

Even the slightest inconveniences and tasks my brain sees as a reason to kill myself.

Me too. Even when I didn't actively plan to CTB, my brain was defaulting to it as the solution. It used to be an escapist fantasy of never having to suffer again though.

 

[Chairbed3]

Same with me. I just became an entirely different person. I used to think and worry about so many things. I would think about being in a certain way, wanting certain things, an outlook towards life, a few long term goals.

But now it's all gone, I feel free and empty too. Suicide is always in the back of my head I feel like I'm seeing the world differently. Also, a lot of things just seem to hold less weight to me now. When I see people worry about their kids's grades, or their plans to buy something or people just talking about their issues in life, I feel like I'm from a different world altogether.

My world right now is devoid of anything. Like liberated of worldly desires?

I hear the birds chirping, the kids playing outside but I see it differently I don't know how to say it.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Yeah, same. Problem is I don't have the guts to go through with it. So suicidal ideation looks like another addictive/procrastinating behavior

 

[Sleepwalkuntilsane]

I'm in the same boat, except that I go through stages of not caring what happens to me and then caring too much. It's like a self-feeding cycle, where when I'm too overwhelmed or sad I can't do anything, and then I feel awful because I didn't do anything. It feels like I'm trapped in my own body, that I want to do things and see people but I physically can't. It makes me lie in bed all day and not engage with my classes, my friends, or my hobbies. I wish I could just stay in bed forever, and never have to feel the outside world again.

 

[AZRAEL600]

I'm in the same boat, except that I go through stages of not caring what happens to me and then caring too much. It's like a self-feeding cycle, where when I'm too overwhelmed or sad I can't do anything, and then I feel awful because I didn't do anything. It feels like I'm trapped in my own body, that I want to do things and see people but I physically can't. It makes me lie in bed all day and not engage with my classes, my friends, or my hobbies. I wish I could just stay in bed forever, and never have to feel the outside world again.

Same it is torture!

 

[Lazy]

Same with me. I just became an entirely different person. I used to think and worry about so many things. I would think about being in a certain way, wanting certain things, an outlook towards life, a few long term goals.

But now it's all gone, I feel free and empty too. Suicide is always in the back of my head I feel like I'm seeing the world differently. Also, a lot of things just seem to hold less weight to me now. When I see people worry about their kids's grades, or their plans to buy something or people just talking about their issues in life, I feel like I'm from a different world altogether.

My world right now is devoid of anything. Like liberated of worldly desires?

I hear the birds chirping, the kids playing outside but I see it differently I don't know how to say it.

I completely understand. By now all of "my" goals are just there to please my parents, I lost any will to do anything, at this point I'm just cruising on autopilot and doing the bare minimum.

i don't really feel any of this carefreeness.

i chose to still do my best during the few months that i have left. what if my attempt ended in a failure? i'd want to have some things to hold onto. so i still go to my lectures, and try however i can to take care of my friendships (even though i have a very hard time doing so)

That is very respectable, I think. It's just that I lack the energy to do anything or care that much about anything and it saddens me, since I love my friends and they do deserve better,I am just incapable to provide. However I'm fairly certain that I will be succesful, should I seriously attempt so there really is no motivation to fuel me.