The Further Adventures of Captain Fuck-up

[thinkkank]

Gather round Gang!! Ol' Cappy has some stories from his new job that he wants to share. Guaranteed to amaze, amuse and astound!
But first, lets build the foundation for our story by talking about Planet Bungle.
See, Cappy isn't human. He's an alien from the Planet Bungle. Planet Bungle was home to the Bunglers, a race of aliens who were renowned for their natural ability to fuck just about everything up. An experiment with nucleur power went horribly wrong and destroyed the entire planet. The whole race was destroyed, save for one child. One couple put their child in a small ship and programmed the ship to find the nearest habitable planet. That child was your boy Cappy. The ship escaped the planet before it completely blew up. It flew thousands of lightyears searching for a safe planet to land. It finally found earth. The ship landed in a corn field and was found by two farmers. The ship had an AI that communicated to the farmers in their language (english) and told the farmers everything that happened. The ship opened up and revealed a young baby, the last son of Bungle. The farmers took the baby home and raised it as their own.
Cappy was raised as a human, but realised in his teen years that he was different from the other boys. He had this uncanny ability to mess everything up, almost as if it was his superpower. He couldn't get anything right and was ostracized because of this. The couple that raised Cappy decided to tell him why he was so different. they took him to the barn and opened a secret trap door on the floor. the door lead to a basement that had the ship that cappy came in. The ship AI was still functional and told Cappy everything, about his homeworld, coming to earth, and about Cappy's powers. the Ship told me that I was powered by the sun. On Bungle a Bungler's fuck-up abilities are at an average level, but when exposed to the light of a yellow sun, like earth's sun, those powers are magnified to god-like levels. This means Cappy is the greatest fuck-up of all time.
When Cappy realized who he really was, he knew what his destiny was. To fuck-up as many jobs as possible in honor of his great planet. Before Cappy fucks a job up he whispers under his breath "for Bungle" and proceeds to royally screw everything up.
Well, that's the backstory. Tune in next time for another installment in the story of CAPTAIN FUCK-UP!.

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[Disappointered]

I really relate to your thought process and I see it as completely in synch with the avatar.

I only got as far as aspiring to be a sort of Happy Jack.

I salute you my friend. If you die you will die with honor.

 

[WadeingThru]

Tune in next time for another installment in the story of CAPTAIN FUCK-UP!.

The suspense is killing!

 

[thinkkank]

Captain's Log | Stardate_Thursday: on the first day on the job they decided to train me. I thought the job was just sweeping, moving stuff around non-technical stuff, but they wanted me to learn how to drill, saw and nail.
The supervisor Larry showed me and the other new guy how to do it. it seemed pretty straight forward. place the screw on the metal bar and push the drill while drilling.
They gave me the drill and some screws. I had about twelve screws. I placed the screw on the metal bar, turned the drill on, and the screw flew off. "Beginner's mistake" Larry must've thought. I tried again and the screw flew off. Tried again and it flew off. All twelve screws, plus an additional eight all leapt into the air and barely drilled a hole in the bar. Larry looked at me in disbelief. "how can someone mess up something so simple?". "You ain't seen nothing yet. Imma go beast mode on this shit" I thought. Little did Larry know that he was in the presence of CAPTAIN FUCK-UP!. No task is too small or simple for the Cap to crap-up. I kept trying to drill a screw in the bar, and the screws kept flying everywhere. It got so bad that they put me on broom duty for the rest of the day. They took a photo of me and made a poster saying "Do Not Give a Drill to this Man". The Captain had once again left his mark.
First day was shit, but surely things will get better right? Well, we shall see in the next installment of 'CAPTAIN FUCKUP!"

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[WadeingThru]

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Captain's Log | Stardate_Thursday: on the first day on the job they decided to train me. I thought the job was just sweeping, moving stuff around non-technical stuff, but they wanted me to learn how to drill, saw and nail.
The supervisor Larry showed me and the other new guy how to do it. it seemed pretty straight forward. place the screw on the metal bar and push the drill while drilling.
They gave me the drill and some screws. I had about twelve screws. I placed the screw on the metal bar, turned the drill on, and the screw flew off. "Beginner's mistake" Larry must've thought. I tried again and the screw flew off. Tried again and it flew off. All twelve screws, plus an additional eight all leapt into the air and barely drilled a hole in the bar. Larry looked at me in disbelief. "how can someone mess up something so simple?". "You ain't seen nothing yet. Imma go beast mode on this shit" I thought. Little did Larry know that he was in the presence of CAPTAIN FUCK-UP!. No task is too small or simple for the Cap to crap-up. I kept trying to drill a screw in the bar, and the screws kept flying everywhere. It got so bad that they put me on broom duty for the rest of the day. They took a photo of me and made a poster saying "Do Not Give a Drill to this Man". The Captain had once again left his mark.
First day was shit, but surely things will get better right? Well, we shall see in the next installment of 'CAPTAIN FUCKUP!"

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I'm a fan of Captain already.

 

[WadeingThru]

Is it possible we only have about 15 hours till the next chapter? I guess I can live that long, but the suspense is killing me.

 

[Deadly_Intention]

Can't wait for the next chapter

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Hey, you should make this into a webcomic and be famous. For real. You just made me giggle out loud, and lord knows that was not an easy fit.

Thank you so much for sharing. Looking forward to the next chapter

 

[WadeingThru]

@thinkkank where's the next chapter? R u trying to make a point?

 

[waitingforrest]

I'm starting to get really emotionally invested in Cappy. I sure hope that something bad doesn't happen to him.

 

[StarryStarry]

And here I thought I was the only one who fucked everything up. Sorry we're in this boat. Mine is sinking quickly.

 

[Deadly_Intention]

And here I thought I was the only one who fucked everything up. Sorry we're in this boat. Mine is sinking quickly.

You're both not alone! I am the queen of fuck-ups in my lifetime ... some of us are just unlucky this way no matter what we try

 

[thinkkank]

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Captain's Log - Stardate_Friday: there's this guy who's older than me, it's his first day on the job too. He's fucking up as much as I am. Could he be a survivor of Planet Bungle? It's comforting to see someone struggle with you, to know that you're not the only fuckup. Even if both of you get yelled at, it doesn't seem that bad because you know that it happened to someone else. I'd rather suffer in a group than suffer alone.
The job isn't great but it pays so that's all that matters. As long as I have an ally I know things will be fine. Even if he might not be from the Planet Bungle, he still radiates with the chaotic energy of a Bunglaloid. He is an honorary Bungaloid based on the sheer number of mistakes he has made.
"We make a pretty good team you and I" I thought. "I can get used to this."

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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Monday: the manager of the place assigned me to a worker that makes panels named Greg. He's my new supervisor. I quickly learned that Greg has a short temper, is extremely rude and not helpful or kind in any way. We're the perfect match. I make mistakes constantly, I'm a slow learner and not too bright, and he gets angry easily and is basically a drill sergeant.
He showed me how to make panels by doing a demonstration with very little explanation. He expected me to get everything in one go and if I asked for clarification or if I asked him to show me again he would either give me a rude remark or ignore me altogether. So when he told me to make a panel, guess who showed up: CAPTAIN FUCKUP! The conditions were perfect. The job was fairly complicated to someone who didn't know what they were doing and to someone who has trouble following instructions and I had forgotten a lot of what Greg told me, so it was only natural for the Captain to make an appearance.
Greg has this adorable Jamaican accent that reminds me of Grim from Grim adventures of Billy and Mandy. Every time he gets mad (which is a lot). I picture Grim in my head.
Greg is what I like to call a Grumpasaurus, a species of dinosaur that is mad all the time. The factory is full of them, it's a regular Jurassic Park. You can always expect a grumpasaurus to yell, be rude, gossip, laugh at you and generally not be helpful. It's in their DNA.
If I have to work under this guy for the entire time I'm here then he should get used to seeing Captain Fuckup make regular appearances. Greg is about to be familiarized with the way of the Bungaloids.

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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Valentine's Day: today is lovers day, the day when we spend time with our partners and show them how much we love them. I was spending time with that hunk of man-meat, the fella of my dreams Greg. I was looking forward to his put-downs, swears and scolding. Every time I made a mistake while making a panel I thought to myself "oooh wait till Greggy-poo sees what I made for him. A nice hot fuckup straight outta the oven and made with love". As expected he saw what I did and showered me with four letter swearwords and insults. That's my Greggy!
The Gwumpasaurus must have had a stick up his as because he was extra grumpy, or maybe it was cupid's arrow. I can feel the acid in Ol' Gwumpy-Wumpy building up every time I walk towards him to tell him I made an oopsie. I love it. He hates me, he really hates me, but I flipped it around. Instead of hating being around him, I decided to love being around him, because I can turn his rage into humor. Every interaction with him gives me comedy material, also I will never let that fucking guy make me angry. I refuse to give him power over my emotions.

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[WadeingThru]

Are you worried Greg might have a heart attack or a mental breakdown?

 

[thinkkank]

Are you worried Greg might have a heart attack or a mental breakdown?

i'm not worried, i'm praying for and looking forward to those two things in that exact order.

 

[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Tuesday: the guy I thought was a fuckup just like me actually got good at his job. FUUUUCK! I thought we would be bumbling buddies, klutzy comrades, but no he surpassed me and now I really look like a fuckup.
Yet again I am alone. I alone must carry this burden of being the greatest fuckup of all time.
Still trying to learn how to make panels. Greg isn't helping much, but what can you expect from a grumpasaurus like him. The way he treats me I'm starting to think he doesn't want to be around me. It feels like he deliberately isn't being a good teacher so that I mess up and he has an excuse to not work with me. He never gives proper explanations and gets angry when you ask for clarification or help. He's just an asshole period. He can't understand that someone who is new to the job can't pick up the skills needed in under 3 minutes. He never wanted to be paired with me to begin with, so I'm guessing he wants to sabotage the lessons and claim that I'm not fit for the job. The things I have to go through for money.

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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Wednesday: it finally happened. Greg decided to end things between us. The man of my dreams, my soulmate, my one and only dumped me and passed me on to another supervisor. It all happened so fast. I was making panels like a good little boy, doing it the way Greg taught me, and he just walked up to me and said "you're not cut out for this, go do something else". He told me to work under Larry. I simply said "Ok" and walked away, dignified, but broken. How was I ever going to survive without my gwumpy-wumpy? Who's going to yell at me for making the simplest mistakes? Who's going to give me rude remarks when I ask simple questions? Who's going to talk behind my back and laugh at me? There's a grumpasaurus-size hole in my heart.
Larry is a grumpasaurus as well, but not as vicious as Greg. I got used to dealing with Greg. It was like sparring with a black-belt. I could handle Greg's bullshit and saw every interaction as a sort of training session on how to deal with assholes. Larry is more like a blue-belt. He's not the nicest guy in the factory, he throws in some rude jabs every now and then, but they just don't hit the same as Greg's rudeness. The reason why I can tolerate Larry is because I tolerated Greg and in a weird way I am thankful to Greg for teaching me how to deal with people like him.
It'll take a while for me to get used to being without my lovable asshole, but I will find the strength to move on.

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[whatevs]

I actually like this. Seal of approval! Keep 'em coming! You don't need to learn to make panels as long as you make these.

 

[WadeingThru]

At some point you will have a good supervisor or manager. You will know they are good because they will recognize you are not made for manual labor. I think you would excel in Human Resources or any job where you deal with people. You seem to be more of a thinker than a hands on type.

 

[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Thursday: after the breakup Greg still managed to chew my ass out over some small mistake. I was learning how to make different panels and naturally I made a mistake as a beginner. That old grumpasaurus came over and started hollering at me about "this is an easy job, you have to get it right". when I asked Larry a simple question Greg comes over, and says "why are you wasting his time? don't you know he has more important things to do? Didn't he show you how to do it the first time?". This guy really has it out for me. A genuine asshole. They don't make em like they used to.
He went back to his workspace and I went back to mine. A guy named Barry comes by and starts yelling at me about how I'm making the panels wrong. I interacted with Barry a few times and I thought he was a chill guy. Come to find out he was an even bigger asshole than Larry! He takes the nail gun from me and starts making the panels telling me to "watch and learn because you're not doing it right", then says "you're not the boss here. you're number ten not number one." I never did anything to him, but here he is chewing me out over making a mistake. Don't these people understand what a student is? A student is supposed to make mistakes as they learn. I'm sure these dumbos made mistakes first day on the job. The Barry heel turn did hurt. I really thought he was an alright guy, but I guess I was wrong.
Just when I thought the yelling was over, my old buddy Greg comes along and starts giving me the business. Barry was on one side yelling, Greg on the other side being an ass. It was a tag-team from hell. They both had Jamaican accents so it sounded like I was getting yelled at by Grim from Grim Adventures and Hermes from Futurama. I just stood there and took it.
Thankfully both of them went away and I went back to doing my job.
The trick is with folks like them is to not take it personally. Don't let it stick to you or get on the inside and definitely don't carry it around. When they talk to you that way, let it go. They are the problem. They have a bunch of negativity in them and they want to dump it on to you. They want to make you as upset as they are. You can't give them that kind of power over you. I made up my mind a while ago that I would never let these fucking assholes ruin my day. I have to be around them for a few hours, but I will never let him upset me. Not when I'm around them and certainly not when I'm at home. The worst thing I could do is stress myself out reliving those memories of them or worrying about seeing them the next day. There are a lot of good things I want to do during the day and I will not let them prevent me from enjoying those things. I learned that from dealing with my dickhead roommate and Bitchy landlord. There will always be a grumpasaurus ready to roar and hiss, but I can't be afraid of them or let me ruin my day.
A grumpasaurus has this awful substance in their mouth that smells disgusting. They produce it naturally like saliva. It makes them smell ungodly. They go around spitting that substance on everyone they meet. They want everyone to smell as bad as they do. You can't let that stuff stick to you, cuz if you do you'll end up smelling as bad as they do, and eventually you'll turn into a grumpasaurus and you'll start spitting that stuff on other people. Just brush it off. You can't stop them from spitting their negativity on you, but you can prevent it from sticking to you.

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[whatevs]

This one was ventier/less humorous, but ended on a very serious and wise note. My inability to ignore assholes is what brought me to a suicide forum. I read your words and nod my head, but I know that I do the exact opposite. I feel deeply the darts of the grumps, and ruminate over them for hours. I am emotionally retarded.

 

[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Tuesday: cappy came back to work after recovering from an illness. he didn't know whether he had regained his powers so he had to try a task to see if he could fuck it up.
cappy was told to make some panels and seemed to be doing a good job. The panels seemed to look okay, but one of the other workers inspected it and found that there was an issue with the nailing. The boards were ruined and I had to redo all of them. CAPTAIN FUCK-UP WAS BACK!!!!!. Ol' cappy still had it in him.
Greg did what Greg does best, criticize me, call me useless. Barry jumped in and tore my ass a new one. Larry put me down as well. While they were berating me I was hearing the superman theme in my head. Captain Fuck-up just pulled off one of his biggest fuckups to-date.
The Captain decided to relax after pulling off such a momentous fuckup and let thinkkank do the rest of the boards. He actually got good at it after a while. Even Barry changed his tune and said, "you're number one now"
The rest of the day went normally. Greg was his grumpy self. That man has never said a good thing about me and never will. Even if I did the best job in the world he would either not say anything or find something to criticize. At least Barry was willing to acknowledge that I improved. I can't be too surprised though, a grumpasaurus never changes its stripes
Left work a little early to do some shopping. Went to a nearby fast food place and the Captain made a special appearance for the people working at the counter. Cappy decided to stuff his chicken combo in his back pack even though he had a bag for the meal. In his mind it seemed like a good idea to free up his hands by putting the food in his back pack. It ended up looking really stupid and weird. The people at the counter both turned their heads at the same time to look at me and had this "what the fuck is he doing look" on his face. I went home feeling satisfied, knowing that I still had my powers.

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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Wednesday: it was just a regular work day. the day started off like it always does, Cappy makes a mistake, some nearby supervisor yells at Cappy, then Cappy resumes his work. This day was different. The stars had aligned and I was going to make several mistakes within a short amount of time, and piss multiple people off at the same time.
Cappy had two nail guns fail on him, one after the other. When other people use the guns nothing happens, but when ya boy cappy gets a hold of em' then they start acting funny.
Then it dawned on me, these must be bunglebots! On Planet Bungle the Bungaloids created machines that could transform into other machines and malfunction. When they are disguised as that other machine they malfunction, for instance a bunglebot can transform into a car, then malfunction as the car. They always malfunction in their transformed form. They are always disguised as another machine, and very few Bungaloids have seen a bunglebot in its true form. "The nail gun must be a bunglebot" I thought. They must have somehow survived the planet's explosion and come to earth.
A bunglebot has an AI that can detect a Bungaloid. When the bot (in its transformed form) is around humans or being used by humans, the AI goes dormant. This means it is just a regular device and rarely malfunctions. When it is around a Bungaloid the AI awakens. It still retains its transformed form, but it begins malfunctioning as it was programmed to do so. This is why the nail gun doesn't work when I use it, but it works when others use it. The staple gun is probably a bunglebot as well.
I got another nail gun and proceeded to make the panels. One supervisor came to me and said "let me show you how to do it. If you want to pay attention, pay attention because you're doing it all wrong". This was the fourth supervisor to show me how to make panels. One supe would see me making them and say "no you're doing it all wrong, let me show you how to do it", then when I use their method another supe would come and say "no you're doing it all wrong, let me sow you how to do it". This happened three times from three different supervisors, and they all got mad at me for doing it "the wrong way". Don't you just love it when supervisors tell you to do different things, then get mad when you do them? Everyone was up cappy's ass today. "At this point even the janitor will probably yell at me" I thought. A couple of minutes later the guy who runs the trash compactor yells at me calls me a "lazy fuck" and yells at me for throwing the trash the wrong way. The trash compactor guy looks like a turtle. Round bald head and round body with a south American accent.
It's just one of those days I guess.

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[whatevs]

Hahahah there is some actual talent going on here. There should be a webcomic, or a regular comic. I would buy it. Perhaps with some more drama/pessimism thrown in the mix.

 

[WadeingThru]

Does anyone have the talent to draw some cartoon characters?

 

[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Thursday: For a minute I though I was going to have a good day. Was doing pretty well making panels. no-one was yelling at me for majority of the day until the last hour of work. my fuckups were concentrated to a 5 minute time span. First Greg was on my ass for not cleaning the work area properly, then the supervisor had some stern words for me because I had been signing into the wrong section in the sign-in book. This fucked up their records so the supervisor told me to write my start time in the appropriate section.
Biggest fuckup was thinking screwdrivers are magnetic. There's a screwdriver stuck to a magnet on one of the work areas. I usually use the screwdriver to pick out a nail that's stuck in the nail gun. I just touch the tip of the screwdriver to the nail and the nail sticks to the screwdriver. I lift the nail out and voila the gun is fixed. I thought the screwdriver was magnetic. Turns out if a piece of metal stays on a magnet long enough it becomes a little magnetic, but I found this out later.
So there I was, using the screwdriver to remove a stuck nail from the gun and who comes by but Greg. "What are ya doing? You'll break the nail gun if ya stick the screwdriver in there". "Don't worry" I said confidently. "It's magnetic so the nail just sticks to the screwdriver". Greg gave me this look like "that's the dumbest thing I've heard all week. "It's not magnetic, now don't be doing things you don't know. Take another gun and leave this one alone". I walked back to my station with all kinds of egg on my face.
I'm trying to accept that Greg will never say anything nice to me. Even if I did do a good job and cappy never showed up he would never say anything good, but part of me still believes that there is at least one good word in that grumpasaurus' heart. There's has to be a "thanks" or "good" or even a "please" in there somewhere right?


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[thinkkank]

Captain's Log - Stardate_Friday: today i had the privilege of working with a big man with a little temper named Murray.
Murray was a little man that was full of anger. Whenever he made a small mistake or when someone made a small mistake, such as myself, he would get angry. Very Angry. All of that anger concentrated into that little body would burst out as a "FUCK" or "SHIT". He would always bark his commands at me. "DON'T MOVE" "STAND STILL" "I SAID STAND STILL". Great guy. So I just stood there and took it. I had to. The supervisor assigned me to him as an assistant so I had to do everything he said. I would hold some panels of wood for him while he drilled holes or screws in them. I had to stand perfectly still for several minutes. My mind would wander. I saw myself laying on a mat on the beach. Palm trees swaying. An Island band playing music in the background. One guy on the xylophone, another on the bongo drums. Blue waves lazily moving back and forth...and then Murray yells "STAND STILL". So much for my mental vacation.
I just couldn't get mad anymore. I was bored and tired and just wasn't in the mood. Whenever he would yell I would think to myself "no little man. I will not get mad. I will not get sad. you huff and you puff, because you're full of hot stuff, but I am going to call your bluff. You are a little man, and your bark might be loud, but your bite isn't bad enough. On the asshole scale Murray is a five and I've dealt with Greg who is a clear 7. If I can handle Greg I can handle Murray.
The factory is a regular Jurassic park with all of these grumpasauruses running around.

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[whatevs]

I hope cappy finds one of these days a supervisor that is more understanding, or at least roasts cappy's fuckups with a sense of humour.

Does anyone have the talent to draw some cartoon characters?

Yes, but I stopped drawing when my chronic illness started 10 years ago. It's actually hard work and I'd rather write programs now.

@ArtsyDrawer what do you think?