Being trans would send me to hell, as I am to persevere and carry my cross as Jesus did. It's supposed to be hard, right? I cut off all of my supportive friends and I've since wiped my whole slate clean-- no music that is not edifying. Not even an instagram reel. I put myself to death, to carry my cross.
I forced myself to look in the mirror, acknowledge that I am the man in the mirror, and that I was caught in a delusion. There is no room for error.
The choice is simple, pick up the cross and persevere or just burn in hell. I'd rather not burn in hell. So i made my choice.
I wanted to cut, but I cant. My body doesn't belong to me. As frustrating as that is, because everyone else got to enjoy it. Life isn't fair and it's supposed to be hard. And I can't kill myself because if I don't persevere I go to hell. At the very least, I dont inherit the kingdom of God.
Sorry, I talk too much. I dont know how to talk or communicate anymore. I felt my heart shatter when I heard a pastor inform me that this life is supposed to be suffering. I had to put to death the person inside of me. And it feels like... breathing with no heart. Moving without thoughts. I'm careful not to break God's law cause i dont want to go to hell. But the law doesn't save me too. I need to somehow love him too. How do i force myself to love him? After all, I would really like to not burn in hell for eternity.
I felt my heart shatter, when I deleted a certain playlist of mine. All the songs I compiled after my sexual assault, I had a playlist of nothing but women. And I had to delete every song. I listened one last time while crying. But emotions-- my emotions dont matter. All that matters is God. And I know that logically. And so I try to follow logically. But how do I know I'm on the right narrow path? What if I'm doing something wrong? What if I die in a week after falling away for one day? I just go to hell for messing up? I don't care about anything else, i just pray that i die at the right time. Like, right now. As soon as possible while I'm doing the right thing.
I'm sorry, sky. I loved you so much. You were who I envisioned myself to be. Taking my own skin, my own flesh back. All you wanted was to live life feeling things and spending time with your friends. But alas, I must steel myself. You must die, and I must carry on. I will miss my friends. I will miss my trans group. I will miss them all. I pray that i die soon-- and send my soul to heaven or anywhere else but hell or eternal torment. And i ask that you pray the same. I'm sorry.
I forced myself to look in the mirror, acknowledge that I am the man in the mirror, and that I was caught in a delusion. There is no room for error.
The choice is simple, pick up the cross and persevere or just burn in hell. I'd rather not burn in hell. So i made my choice.
I wanted to cut, but I cant. My body doesn't belong to me. As frustrating as that is, because everyone else got to enjoy it. Life isn't fair and it's supposed to be hard. And I can't kill myself because if I don't persevere I go to hell. At the very least, I dont inherit the kingdom of God.
Sorry, I talk too much. I dont know how to talk or communicate anymore. I felt my heart shatter when I heard a pastor inform me that this life is supposed to be suffering. I had to put to death the person inside of me. And it feels like... breathing with no heart. Moving without thoughts. I'm careful not to break God's law cause i dont want to go to hell. But the law doesn't save me too. I need to somehow love him too. How do i force myself to love him? After all, I would really like to not burn in hell for eternity.
I felt my heart shatter, when I deleted a certain playlist of mine. All the songs I compiled after my sexual assault, I had a playlist of nothing but women. And I had to delete every song. I listened one last time while crying. But emotions-- my emotions dont matter. All that matters is God. And I know that logically. And so I try to follow logically. But how do I know I'm on the right narrow path? What if I'm doing something wrong? What if I die in a week after falling away for one day? I just go to hell for messing up? I don't care about anything else, i just pray that i die at the right time. Like, right now. As soon as possible while I'm doing the right thing.
I'm sorry, sky. I loved you so much. You were who I envisioned myself to be. Taking my own skin, my own flesh back. All you wanted was to live life feeling things and spending time with your friends. But alas, I must steel myself. You must die, and I must carry on. I will miss my friends. I will miss my trans group. I will miss them all. I pray that i die soon-- and send my soul to heaven or anywhere else but hell or eternal torment. And i ask that you pray the same. I'm sorry.
