
KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,797
How can people honestly enjoy life when happiness is not guarenteed but suffering is? When pleasure is temporary but torment is often lifelong?
It is rare to reminisce about fond memories and better times. Yet mistakes, tragedies, and traumatic pasts often follow you to the grave. Achievement feels fleeting. Everytime I've experienced happiness it was squashed almost immediately. Now I know most people are not happy, they are merely content and exist in a neutral state. Yet, for many of us, such a state of being is impossible when bombarded with constant stress and pain.
I don't know why people think life is a gift. If it was a gift, surely I could return it? I can acknowledge that good things have happened at some points in my life, but the tragedies far outweigh those epehermeral victories.
I can recall with fondness playing with my grandpa as a child, creating imaginary worlds and making block castles and villages. But those memories are faint in comparison to the recollections of having to watch my beloved grandfather suffer and die over the span of several months. Death and decay are an inevitability of life, and it baffles me that people find this beautiful. It is not beautiful, it is sheer lovecraftian terror.
The joyful moments are so temporary, and that is one of the worst parts of life. Thinking about how I will never see many of the people I loved ever again, because now they are dead. Thinking about how other cherished people are still living, but have blocked out your existence and will never speak to you again. Their presence was temporary.
I pretty much have no one in this life which is a double whammy when you're fairly disabled. The other day I was thinking about a childhood friend of mine who I was very close to and wanted to see how she was doing. She deleted me off all social medias with 0 explanation. I tried messaging her to say hi and she opened it and did not respond. This was someone I went to school with for many years, someone who worked alongside me at my first job, someone who I had sleepovers with and smoked a joint with out the window while her parents weren't home, and she completely cut me off for no reason.
I often think about the people I grew up alongside, 12 years of schooling spent together and not a single one of those friendships lasted. One of my other ex closest friends completely ditched everyone from her childhood and refuses to speak to any of us, yet I get notifications that she searches for me on job websites to see what I'm doing. Time and time again I was always the last one picked. I watched my friends laugh at me for years. The autistic loser. The weird girl they pitied.
It is strange to think that the people who were such a large part of my life are gone. I constantly mourn for those who are no longer around. Even my abusers. I miss things that will never happen again, unless the fabric of space and time itself is ripped to shreds and devoured by a black hole, sending me to some alternate dimension.
A life without sickness and disability for me was temporary. Knowing that you can have it all-or in my case, have a meager amount of things that matter to you, only to have them snatched away- makes life a complete joke. Being completely alone while surrounded by crowds of people who could care less if you dropped dead instantly just about sums up the state of things.
I will never understand why people bring new humans into this world. They could end up like me and wanting to ctb, cause life is a huge fucking gamble. And like most gambles, you aren't likely to win.
It is rare to reminisce about fond memories and better times. Yet mistakes, tragedies, and traumatic pasts often follow you to the grave. Achievement feels fleeting. Everytime I've experienced happiness it was squashed almost immediately. Now I know most people are not happy, they are merely content and exist in a neutral state. Yet, for many of us, such a state of being is impossible when bombarded with constant stress and pain.
I don't know why people think life is a gift. If it was a gift, surely I could return it? I can acknowledge that good things have happened at some points in my life, but the tragedies far outweigh those epehermeral victories.
I can recall with fondness playing with my grandpa as a child, creating imaginary worlds and making block castles and villages. But those memories are faint in comparison to the recollections of having to watch my beloved grandfather suffer and die over the span of several months. Death and decay are an inevitability of life, and it baffles me that people find this beautiful. It is not beautiful, it is sheer lovecraftian terror.
The joyful moments are so temporary, and that is one of the worst parts of life. Thinking about how I will never see many of the people I loved ever again, because now they are dead. Thinking about how other cherished people are still living, but have blocked out your existence and will never speak to you again. Their presence was temporary.
I pretty much have no one in this life which is a double whammy when you're fairly disabled. The other day I was thinking about a childhood friend of mine who I was very close to and wanted to see how she was doing. She deleted me off all social medias with 0 explanation. I tried messaging her to say hi and she opened it and did not respond. This was someone I went to school with for many years, someone who worked alongside me at my first job, someone who I had sleepovers with and smoked a joint with out the window while her parents weren't home, and she completely cut me off for no reason.
I often think about the people I grew up alongside, 12 years of schooling spent together and not a single one of those friendships lasted. One of my other ex closest friends completely ditched everyone from her childhood and refuses to speak to any of us, yet I get notifications that she searches for me on job websites to see what I'm doing. Time and time again I was always the last one picked. I watched my friends laugh at me for years. The autistic loser. The weird girl they pitied.
It is strange to think that the people who were such a large part of my life are gone. I constantly mourn for those who are no longer around. Even my abusers. I miss things that will never happen again, unless the fabric of space and time itself is ripped to shreds and devoured by a black hole, sending me to some alternate dimension.
A life without sickness and disability for me was temporary. Knowing that you can have it all-or in my case, have a meager amount of things that matter to you, only to have them snatched away- makes life a complete joke. Being completely alone while surrounded by crowds of people who could care less if you dropped dead instantly just about sums up the state of things.
I will never understand why people bring new humans into this world. They could end up like me and wanting to ctb, cause life is a huge fucking gamble. And like most gambles, you aren't likely to win.