Venting The End of the (my) World

[sadgirlsadlife]

I've sat with suicide on my mind since I was about 13. Well now I'm 26, and I think it's time for me to go. I have felt like a burden to the world for years, but in recent years it's gotten so much worse. I have tried so so hard to stick around and not want to be dead. I think the only guilt I really feel is leaving my sons behind. They're two, and I love them so so much. But I just can't do this anymore. I've caused more damage than good to everyone in my life. I can't do anything right. And then there's me hating myself physically blah blah blah. Everything's just too much now.
I wanna write notes to leave behind for them when they're older. I want them to know I really do love them so much. I just wish love could keep me alive. But unfortunately it isn't that simple. I know they'll probably hate me as they get older and I get that. I'm sure it really sucks to lose a parent. But they'll genuinely be better off without me.
So this is the end of the world. At least, the end of my world. I'd like to say it's been a good 26 years, but most of them have really fucking sucked. Trauma upon trauma. Bad decision after bad decision. Fucking up lives left and right. I don't know why I had to be born just to take myself out in the end. It's kind of fucked up.
I wanna die as soon as possible, but I'm gonna wait at least a couple of days because I know my mom really loves Halloween, and I'd hate to ruin her favorite holiday like that. I already feel guilty about wanting to do this. Can't have my ghost floating around guilty too lol. <3

 

[dhjsjdjdjdjhc]

I know you're already aware but a note isn't the same as having a parent present. I grew up with a dad who was barely there and i turned out horribly, i can't imagine how it would have been if he wasn't there at all. Don't be so sure they'll hate you for it but you can be sure that a part of them will always be messed up because of you. If you actually want to do something right then step up as a parent instead of feeling sad for yourself for ruining things because what you do will ruin things way more than anything else you could do. Your life no longer only belongs to you but your sons too because they're yours to take care of and you're theirs to keep. As cruel as it sounds if you die your sons will end up here, then their sons and the sons of their sons. Depressed people make depressed people, if you die now their resentment isn't what you should fear, it's the fact that you ruined a piece of their lives for yours. I know my words are rough and you don't have to agree but i wanted to be honest with you. And feelings are tough, sometimes we don't act how we believe ourselves to be but even then some responsibilities are bigger than our feelings and you should get mental help. Love isn't what should keep you alive right now, it's parenthood and your sense of responsibility for the world (since your sons will interact with people) and for your sons no matter how hard it is to keep going. Learn to live if you want to stop ruining things. Thank you for reading and i apologize if came off as rude. Please do receive help just one more time, if it doesn't work out you can die then. Just try once more while considering everything, as difficult as it'll be. I wish the best for you and your sons whichever way you choose to go, best regards

 

[SVEN]

I'm so sorry you've finished up in this situation. Only you truly know what you are enduring and, if you've thought things through and really feel you have no realistic alternative I wish you well and that you may find peace and rest, whatever your final decision.
Every good wish.