Help The end of my story

[TheLastGreySky]

I realize that I am the dysfunctional adult so I'm writing this because I made my decision. I keep hurting the ones I love and I've been drowning in myself hate over losing my kids to foster care. They hate my guts and rightfully so. I've been fighting with the love of my life and I'm honestly it escalated a lot more than ever should have. I think I might have destroyed the relationship so in order to spare her from anymore heartache because of me, I'm going to CTB very soon. I wanted to make this post because I am a very evil human being and I have tried to change... But I can't.

There's no excuse for the way I have hurt the only woman who could ever love a freak like me. So I'm making this my official announcement to the group so that they understand that I'm sorry. But she deserves so much better than me. I love everything from her smile to the way that she laughs and yet recently I've been treating her like shit because I've been trying to escape the way I feel and I don't know how to avoid how I feel and a better way to self-regulate. I'm afraid to watch her walk away. So I'm going to throw in the towel here and say my piece.

I have been dead since June 13th 2020.
It's the last time I saw all my kids together.
They are the only things in my life that I do not regret. But I treated them terribly. My dad was a Neo-Nazi and a lot of his ideology passed on to me for a long time. And I'm ashamed to admit this. But I feel that I'm never fully gotten rid of my prejudice. I'm disgusting. I am cruel and I don't deserve to have ever been born. I cannot redeem myself and I cannot bear this proverbial cross that I am nailed to.

I don't feel like there's a chance for me to make things right so I'm going to give the people I love peace of mind that I will never ever hurt them or let them down again.
I'm going to be the one who gets to get rid of their Boogeyman.

To all the people who have followed my story and prayed for me, I appreciate each and everyone of you. But I can guarantee what I finally post my last post every single one of you will hate me for what I have been.
I only wish my family love and peace and happiness.
I'm 33 and I'm honestly been hiding from my wife that I never got my GED.
I was playing on getting it next week, but after this fight I realize that I destroy everything that I love just by trying to be who I think I am.
So I'm going to remind myself of the low life piece of shit I am, and when I do I'm going to do with my final post is tell you all the horrible things I have ever done so that you get to see and you get to know what a terrible person I have been. I only hope that all you beautiful and amazing people who hate yourselves will somehow realize you're not as bad as me and maybe have a reason to love yourselves.

I'm sorry. But I know I'm serious this time. The way I am is not okay. And I will never be anything over then human compost.

 

[darksouls]

however you decide,
I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you desire

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I hope you find peace.

 

[astr4]

i'm sorry. you sound so ashamed and guilty and it's devastating. it sounds like you wanted things to be different so badly. some people never want to change, so i really respect that you wanted to change even if you couldn't fight off the demons. it's really hard to be the person we want to be sometimes. emotions always get the better of us. i know i always say the wrong thing when im angry. i'm sorry you're suffering so much.

i wish in a perfect world you could be exactly who you want to be and you wouldn't make mistakes or say the wrong thing. but we're all human and we're flawed and we can only try and do better next time.

sometimes trying is too hard though, i get that. and i don't fault you for wanting to give up now. i'm sorry you've come to this point, just know whatever you decide going forward we're with you in spirit. i hope you find some sort of peace.