The Closest I Got to CTB

[mondaymornings]

The closest I ever got to CTB was last year. Living in my moms boyfriend's house. I didn't have a room to myself, no personal space, no bed, I had to sleep in a recliner in the livingroom. I was also on my period, which might not sound like much but it can honestly really fuck up your hormones and just totally trash your mental state.

Directly across the room from me sat my moms purse, with her gun. Just sitting there. 3 am.

I remember walking to it so slowly. I reached my hand in and wrapped it around the hilt.

At that point the thought of getting caught beforehand was scarier than dying. Yeah it was the dead of night but my mom had a habit of not going to bed when she should, and her boyfriend was a very light sleeper. The anxiety of trying to be silent on top of the distant SI I was experiencing had me turning around and walking right back to my seat.
Then I reached out to my friends for a distraction, as I've been taught to do.

Uhg I wish I would've just gotten it over with. Now I live with my grandparents who keep any firearms in a safe that I don't know the code to.
This turned more into a vent than I wanted it to, sorry, I just wanted to share.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you wish that you left back then. Guns do scare me as a method as I would fear it somehow going wrong, but I do consider those who have access to them as being fortunate. They aren't even legal in my country.

 

[GoForDeath]

I see, the closest I came to CTB was when I ordered SN years ago.., however I decided to tell my psychiatrist about it and he took it away.. I'm starting to regret that decision.