The bus is on its way !

[mpti]

Falling asleep.
Goodnight all x

Goodnight <3

 

[JustAboutDone]

@Lara Francis please let today be a better day for you. Try and do things for you that you would do for your boy; the sort of love and care you lavish on him you need to use on you. YOU are worth it. you deserve it and need it. Have a nice bath or shower xx

 

[Lara Francis]

The shit has hit the fan.
The family member has told my mental health nurse about stuff including my SN and they want to confiscate it.!
They do not know what it is but have been informed that it would be lethal if taken.
The mental health nurse told me that she would have to tell social services too.
I do not know what to do now.
Please help !
Can the police search my house? As i refused to say what it was or where i brought it from.
Xx

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi sweetie

The most important thing is try and stay calm, I know it's easier said than done. Give them the SN if they ask - you can easily get more. It shows you are co-operating

 

[JustAboutDone]

Remember, your family member hasn't done this to hurt you, although you must be really stressed, they've done it as they love you and want you to be ok xx

 

[Jenna]

Oh @Lara Francis this all just breaks my heart. I wish so bad I had the answers. When I joined your posts were part of the first that I found. I have such a soft spot for you. Being from the states I don't know what they could do there.

You are heavily in my thoughts. Please please keep us updated. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Xx

 

[Lara Francis]

Remember, your family member hasn't done this to hurt you, although you must be really stressed, they've done it as they love you and want you to be ok xx

It really has caused me problems.
I have been inandated with phone calls and questions.The social worker called school to tell them and asked the head teacher to call my closest friend and support to confirm the information.
She is a sister in a hospital and feels professionally responsible to tell the truth and convinced me to give her the sn so she can dispose of it and tell them.
She will tell them that she confiscated my last supply but was not aware that i had ordered more.so i kept some sn back and she has the pot.
This is a mess.i really dont know what is going to happen now.
I am now being asked to take the diazapam 3 times a day and book an appointment with the gp whilst she tries to get an earlier psycharitrist app.

 

[JustAboutDone]

It feels like a horrid mess and everyone interfering but they just want to keep you safe and your little family together. If you can see your gp are they kind to you?

Are you on Anti-depressants at the moment?

 

[Lara Francis]

Yes,they are nice.
I have been on a moderate dose of anti -depresents for 6 months - there is scope to increase the dose,which is what they are suggesting.
The cpn has seen my wounds from my SH.
I hate not knowing what is going to happen but i do know i cant go into hospital even if on an emergency section.
Why did she have to go and open her mouth.she said that she respected my decision !

 

[JustAboutDone]

Yes,they are nice.
I have been on a moderate dose of anti -depresents for 6 months - there is scope to increase the dose,which is what they are suggesting.
The cpn has seen my wounds from my SH.
I hate not knowing what is going to happen but i do know i cant go into hospital even if on an emergency section.
Why did she have to go and open her mouth.she said that she respected my decision !

Hopefully a dose increase might be what you need? And even to talk to the doctor who knows you may help as they can see how things are for you and how much you are trying.

The SH probably won't worry them too much as they know it's your coping mechanism right now, as long as you are remembering to keep your wounds clean. When you start to get better you can look at ways to cope differently - but for now you must do whatever helps you xx

 

[Jenna]

Yes,they are nice.
I have been on a moderate dose of anti -depresents for 6 months - there is scope to increase the dose,which is what they are suggesting.
The cpn has seen my wounds from my SH.
I hate not knowing what is going to happen but i do know i cant go into hospital even if on an emergency section.
Why did she have to go and open her mouth.she said that she respected my decision !

I've learned I can't trust anyone. I have a good friend that understood how hard my situation was. She does a lot for my son that is 22. I was in a bad way and I asked her to please make sure he knew I loved him and keep an eye on him. Well come to find she told him. I would understand her telling my husband but not my son. I've learned not to tell anyone anything. I swear I thought I had her trust. I'm so very sorry.

I would try anything you can at this point. Did the antidepressant initially help you? I know you have done everything you can. It sounds like you have to be compliant to stay under the radar. Gosh I wish I could hug you.

 

[Lara Francis]

I've learned I can't trust anyone. I have a good friend that understood how hard my situation was. She does a lot for my son that is 22. I was in a bad way and I asked her to please make sure he knew I loved him and keep an eye on him. Well come to find she told him. I would understand her telling my husband but not my son. I've learned not to tell anyone anything. I swear I thought I had her trust. I'm so very sorry.

I would try anything you can at this point. Did the antidepressant initially help you? I know you have done everything you can. It sounds like you have to be compliant to stay under the radar. Gosh I wish I could hug you.

Jenna,u can trust me hugs to u.
I think if anyone has the slightest bit of hope and are in a temp crisis , then telling someone may be acceptable in the right situation but if anyone wants to ctb without complication,we need to be true to ourselves and go it alone.sad but true.
Im sorry your friend let u down.
Thanku for your kind words and thoughts.
Xx

 

[Jenna]

Jenna,u can trust me hugs to u.
I think if anyone has the slightest bit of hope and are in a temp crisis , then telling someone may be acceptable in the right situation but if anyone wants to ctb without complication,we need to be true to ourselves and go it alone.sad but true.
Im sorry your friend let u down.
Thanku for your kind words and thoughts.
Xx

Oh I agree. I will still reach out and tell people but need to keep some things private unless I can take the consequences. I think we can find hope in reaching out and telling people. I hope you know how strong you really are.

Thank you so much too for your kind words to me. Xxxxx

 

[JustAboutDone]

@Lara Francis how are things? Xx

 

[Lara Francis]

@Lara Francis how are things?

Hello @JustAboutDone and @Jenna

I am still at home thankfully.
I have had a regular visit which was pre planned from an intensive support worker but the social worker came too.

She had been passed all the info and her primary concern was the sn,which i told her i no longer had.she relutently believed me.
She reminded me that i had agreed a safety plan which involved visiting my gp if i felt very low for 48hrs or more so i am expected to go tm.
Apparently ,my psychiatrist has advised my doctors to increase the dose of meds after he was also told all the info.
I still cant believe that everything i said was repeated.she could have just said she was worried and left it at that.
Part of me understands but part of me feels my trust has been abused and my circle of people i will confide in ,is now getting smaller.
I seriously believe that telling friends or family of our intentions is not a sensible thing to do and i have learnt from my mistake.
my cpn said i should try to see it from her viewpoint and i guess i was nieve to believe that the ones that love us and care would just let us kill ourselves without stepping in no matter how desperate we want to ctb.
I feel relieved that today is nearly over and appreciate your thoughts.
I hope u r both ok.
Xx

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'm glad to hear from you and pleased you're still at home, that's so good. Hopefully seeing the gp tomorrow might be good. Especially if they are kind.

I know today's been really stressful, try and have a nice bath and cuddle down in bed.

It is suffocating when your friends and relatives aren't reliable - they just want to keep you alive because they love you so so much but I know it feels they are betraying your trust.

You can always vent on here - we will never do that to you xxx

 

[Jenna]

I also am glad to hear from you too and hoping tomorrow goes ok. It is a safe place to vent here and I know I'm still here because I can. I stopped telling people in my world months ago. I got weary of being told how mean I was and how I will pass on my pain. That is always on my mind but you know how great our pain can be too. My heart goes out to you. Xx

 

[Lara Francis]

Too much!

I sit here on bench number 143 that is situated at the head of a row of graves - one of these holding the bones of my beautiful hubby
My eyes are clouded over by tears and everything is a mere shadow.
It is cold and i can hear the sound of motorway traffic that runs under a bridge.The same bridge i tried to jump from and its pull and attraction is with me again now.
Atm i remember how i dug up the freshly layed turf that covered the top soil of his plot bc i felt it was 2 soon and the time i lay on the ground in the pouring rain so i could lay next to him one more time.
I feel so destroyed and just want to dig a lid to his grave,climb in closing it behind me.I am so so tired and dont know what to do right now.
I am so ashamed that everyone on his row now has a headstone and he doesnt.
I was waiting until the time came when i could order the stone without wanting my name on there too in preparation but i can see this is not going to happen.
I am now having trouble leaving the cemetry.
When the clouds turn grey and your inner light goes out then there is nothing more to give or hold onto.
Live a good life taking every opportunity that comes your way bc one day everything is gone and the only option left is ctb to end the pain.
I feel so unreachable and indeed philosophical right now,my head hurts real bad and its freezing.

I dont know why people write the words "always in our hearts"
My heart is shattered into a million pieces that stab me all the time.my heart is beyond repair.I Should not complain as i had a good life whilst it lasted and i should now just bow out gracefully.

 

[JustAboutDone]

@Lara Francis are you safe at home now?
Did you get to see your gp? Xxx

 

[lostinthedream]

Noone should ever have to endure the pain you're having to @Lara Francis ... I wish eternal peace and rest for you... and a deep healing within.. or forever unconsciousness...

 

[Lara Francis]

@Lara Francis are you safe at home now?
Did you get to see your gp? Xxx

Hi.
Yes i am home.
I feel so shockingly unwell.
I went to the gp this morning and there were no apps until next week and i was not going to sit in an open surgery for hours ,so i asked for a dr to call me.

He did and increased meds.The social worker rang to ensure i had been.

I must be a constant worry to people atm and perhaps this is just as unfair on them as it is for me having to live this way.
I wish i could wake up tomorrow and have the vision to see the possibility of a better life ( i know it will never be perfect or the same as it was ) but i truely need a break from myself and my mind. Xx

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi.
Yes i am home.
I feel so shockingly unwell.
I went to the gp this morning and there were no apps until next week and i was not going to sit in an open surgery for hours ,so i asked for a dr to call me.

He did and increased meds.The social worker rang to ensure i had been.

I must be a constant worry to people atm and perhaps this is just as unfair on them as it is for me having to live this way.
I wish i could wake up tomorrow and have the vision to see the possibility of a better life ( i know it will never be perfect or the same as it was ) but i truely need a break from myself and my mind. Xx

I'm so sorry - and that is the thing isn't it, that you can't see a picture in your head at the moment of how things could be if they could ever be better and that makes it so so hard for you.

Do you have close friends near to help you with little things like cooking so you can have love and company? I'm just thinking of the now as it's impossible to think further ahead at the moment for you xx

 

[Lara Francis]

I'm so sorry - and that is the thing isn't it, that you can't see a picture in your head at the moment of how things could be if they could ever be better and that makes it so so hard for you.

Do you have close friends near to help you with little things like cooking so you can have love and company? I'm just thinking of the now as it's impossible to think further ahead at the moment for you xx

My close friend is away this weekend but other friend has invited us for tea tomorrow and its football in the morning for my boy so at least we will be busy x

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'm glad you have people around who love you, do you get to watch your boy play? That must be sweet :-)

 

[Lara Francis]

I'm glad you have people around who love you, do you get to watch your boy play? That must be sweet :-)

Yes def
I should say that i watch quietly from the side but i dont !
He needs encouragement which makes him play better.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Yes def
I should say that i watch quietly from the side but i dont !
He needs encouragement which makes him play better.

Lots of loud cheering and shouting!!
It's a fab age :-) does he like Lego and things indoors too?

 

[Jenna]

My close friend is away this weekend but other friend has invited us for tea tomorrow and its football in the morning for my boy so at least we will be busy x

I'm so glad you are going. Oh Lara I'm so sorry. Does keeping busy help at all?

 

[Lara Francis]

Lots of loud cheering and shouting!!
It's a fab age :-) does he like Lego and things indoors too?

He has moved on from lego and is now into switch / x-box games.trying to get him off the machine is like trying to remove a body part ! X

 

[JustAboutDone]

He has moved on from lego and is now into switch / x-box games.trying to get him off the machine is like trying to remove a body part ! X

Loll!!! I know what you mean!!!

 

[Lara Francis]

I'm so glad you are going. Oh Lara I'm so sorry. Does keeping busy help at all?

Hi jenna
Sometimes but i must try at least.
Peoples concerns r on high alert atm.xx