I am so glad I am still alive and still be able to experience all the wonderful things that happen to me. (irony) This day was quite shitty.
Soon I won't have any appointments anymore with my therapist. He is really optimistic. I could imagine to get a new manic episode or psychosis exactly when the therapy stops. There will happen a lot of very stressful events to that time. It would be extremely cynical. And yes I am often the butt of the joke in my life. I expect the worst.
Moreover my toothbrush fell into my toilet. Lol. Yeah but this is by far not my biggest problem.
Now I come to the story of the title. I am not that independent. My mom helps me a lot with the household. There are some reasons for that. Maybe I am too lazy. For my age I should do more. But there are good reasons not to do that. I am really vulnerable to stress. I have a real problem with stress. Even mild stresslevels trigger me a lot. I try to save my energy/stamina for college. And damn I really need it. It is very difficult not to become manic due to college. To be honest it is extremely difficult and I plan my whole life just not to get ill again. I dedicate my whole life just to achieve that goal. I do everything for it. And yes when my mom helps me with the household I can avoid some stressful exercises. I know that is kind of immature.
Yeah but it is no reason for insulting this much. I think my mom gossiped about me to her boyfriend. She gossips so much. I will later tell you a story about that. I studied a lot today. It was very stressful and I was very vulnerable. Then suddenly he wrote me in a messenger. "Do your shit/fuck alone". I did not talk with him for like several months. And then he suddenly wrote me that. I wanted to de-escalate. I wrote back. Very friendly! Thank you! And then I blocked him. I wanted to end the conversation.
Then he started to write me SMS (I cannot block that.) Then the real insults started. I would treat my mom badly. And he threatened me to throw me out. The style of the message was very rude and offending. Even after the first one I was pretty hurt. As I said I was very vulnerable. After this one I shook with my whole body. I felt manic. I replied. That my mom is responsible for the fact that I am disabled. Due to her abuse which started when I was 5 I am now disabled. (And need help; I should have wrote that in the brackets). I told him I am due to her behavior now suicidal for years. I will end in poverty and finally kill myself due to her abuse.
Then he insulted me again. Told me if I repeated that claim he would sue me. (LMAO go do that. The judge will laugh him out of the court.)
I wrote HAHAHAHAHA. You are under my standard/niveau. In my native language that means it is an insult which I would never do because I am better than that. Then 2 messages again content not that important. I told him he should stop harrassing me. He told me yeah I have no problem with that.
Like 20 minutes later he was in my apartment. Yeah my mom has a key for that. He wanted to start the argument again. Luckily I was in my room, listened to music and locked the door. Fuck him! I fear he will be soon again in my apartment to insult me for example tomorrow when my mom is not here. If this happens I will try to lock the door. He is so toxic. After a long time without it I took once again a benzo. I am really fragile. I don't have time, energy or stamina for shit like that. I still feel emotionally unstable despite the benzo.
I want to ignore him. I don't need arguments like that. But I wanted to defend me at least. I never did that when I experienced the abuse as a child or teenager. Still situations like that trigger me a lot. My mom did not notice much of it. She was puzzled. Yeah I don't know exactly what she gossiped about me in front of him but she clearly fueled the argument.
On many different levels I think the situation is quite cynical. It resembles the abuse which I had to endure as a child. It is obiviously victim blaming. He denies the fact that I was abused. This is a fact. He was not there to that time. It is so arrogant to deny that fact. I mean I gonna kill myself because of it and people still deny that it ever happened.
Btw the story how my mom gossips all the time. I always wanted to keep it as a secret at least not writing it in this forum but here it comes. The child of her boyfriend committed suicide a while ago. My mom gossiped about it in front of me. She told me more or less he is responsible for the suicide because he did not care enough. I mean it is quite insane to make an allegation like that. They did not know each other to that time she does not know anything. Yeah I think it is disgusting how the people in my family gossip. I hate my whole family. Sadly we cannot choose the family we are born into.
Moreover it is cynical due to another fact. I have the deep wish for a partner. Due to the conditions which were triggered by the abuse all my attempts to get a partner were utterly destroyed so far. I don't have much hope my issues will decrease so that I am able to find a partner. And it was more or like 2 partners allied today to destroy me further.
Yeah I am very thankful for the forum. Writing about this helps me to come to terms with it. It was kind of traumatic. I hope I can sleep despite of it. I am scared that a mania gets triggered. I feel very vulnerable. Thank you very much for reading this huge post and thank you for your support. Writing about these emotions is kind of therapeutic for me.
Soon I won't have any appointments anymore with my therapist. He is really optimistic. I could imagine to get a new manic episode or psychosis exactly when the therapy stops. There will happen a lot of very stressful events to that time. It would be extremely cynical. And yes I am often the butt of the joke in my life. I expect the worst.
Moreover my toothbrush fell into my toilet. Lol. Yeah but this is by far not my biggest problem.
Now I come to the story of the title. I am not that independent. My mom helps me a lot with the household. There are some reasons for that. Maybe I am too lazy. For my age I should do more. But there are good reasons not to do that. I am really vulnerable to stress. I have a real problem with stress. Even mild stresslevels trigger me a lot. I try to save my energy/stamina for college. And damn I really need it. It is very difficult not to become manic due to college. To be honest it is extremely difficult and I plan my whole life just not to get ill again. I dedicate my whole life just to achieve that goal. I do everything for it. And yes when my mom helps me with the household I can avoid some stressful exercises. I know that is kind of immature.
Yeah but it is no reason for insulting this much. I think my mom gossiped about me to her boyfriend. She gossips so much. I will later tell you a story about that. I studied a lot today. It was very stressful and I was very vulnerable. Then suddenly he wrote me in a messenger. "Do your shit/fuck alone". I did not talk with him for like several months. And then he suddenly wrote me that. I wanted to de-escalate. I wrote back. Very friendly! Thank you! And then I blocked him. I wanted to end the conversation.
Then he started to write me SMS (I cannot block that.) Then the real insults started. I would treat my mom badly. And he threatened me to throw me out. The style of the message was very rude and offending. Even after the first one I was pretty hurt. As I said I was very vulnerable. After this one I shook with my whole body. I felt manic. I replied. That my mom is responsible for the fact that I am disabled. Due to her abuse which started when I was 5 I am now disabled. (And need help; I should have wrote that in the brackets). I told him I am due to her behavior now suicidal for years. I will end in poverty and finally kill myself due to her abuse.
Then he insulted me again. Told me if I repeated that claim he would sue me. (LMAO go do that. The judge will laugh him out of the court.)
I wrote HAHAHAHAHA. You are under my standard/niveau. In my native language that means it is an insult which I would never do because I am better than that. Then 2 messages again content not that important. I told him he should stop harrassing me. He told me yeah I have no problem with that.
Like 20 minutes later he was in my apartment. Yeah my mom has a key for that. He wanted to start the argument again. Luckily I was in my room, listened to music and locked the door. Fuck him! I fear he will be soon again in my apartment to insult me for example tomorrow when my mom is not here. If this happens I will try to lock the door. He is so toxic. After a long time without it I took once again a benzo. I am really fragile. I don't have time, energy or stamina for shit like that. I still feel emotionally unstable despite the benzo.
I want to ignore him. I don't need arguments like that. But I wanted to defend me at least. I never did that when I experienced the abuse as a child or teenager. Still situations like that trigger me a lot. My mom did not notice much of it. She was puzzled. Yeah I don't know exactly what she gossiped about me in front of him but she clearly fueled the argument.
On many different levels I think the situation is quite cynical. It resembles the abuse which I had to endure as a child. It is obiviously victim blaming. He denies the fact that I was abused. This is a fact. He was not there to that time. It is so arrogant to deny that fact. I mean I gonna kill myself because of it and people still deny that it ever happened.
Btw the story how my mom gossips all the time. I always wanted to keep it as a secret at least not writing it in this forum but here it comes. The child of her boyfriend committed suicide a while ago. My mom gossiped about it in front of me. She told me more or less he is responsible for the suicide because he did not care enough. I mean it is quite insane to make an allegation like that. They did not know each other to that time she does not know anything. Yeah I think it is disgusting how the people in my family gossip. I hate my whole family. Sadly we cannot choose the family we are born into.
Moreover it is cynical due to another fact. I have the deep wish for a partner. Due to the conditions which were triggered by the abuse all my attempts to get a partner were utterly destroyed so far. I don't have much hope my issues will decrease so that I am able to find a partner. And it was more or like 2 partners allied today to destroy me further.
Yeah I am very thankful for the forum. Writing about this helps me to come to terms with it. It was kind of traumatic. I hope I can sleep despite of it. I am scared that a mania gets triggered. I feel very vulnerable. Thank you very much for reading this huge post and thank you for your support. Writing about these emotions is kind of therapeutic for me.
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