The beginning of my end

[Love Spells]

Today it's the hardest it's ever been
I've realized life has been a mask lately
I've been as supportive to my brother as I can
I'm not his older brother at the moment
I am just his brother
And that is not enough
He is hurting and he has been for a long time
I should be the one to help mend his pains but I couldn't even afford to do such a thing
Life is not bearable and quite frankly I want to end this all but it would take the largest toll on my loved ones and I would not wish that on my worst enemy
I sit here and realize life is not as I thought it was
It is much much more real
It is much much more harsh
I need a solution
But a solution is nothing but a wish at the moment
My brother is hurting and it's hurts me to death I just need to be his solution
But I could never be that right now because I'm just a fool and a failure

I'm not brave.
I'm not strong.
I'm weak.
I'm fragile.
I'm glass.
I could never support the weight of the world.

I want the simple things
A place to stay
Someone to love
Maybe a pool
A nice car or two
My brother by my side
And the pain at ease

Trying very hard not to end it all
I cried for the first time in a bit
And i think that's a sign that I'm beginning to break

My music has been going somewhere and that is terrifying me more than anything as well
I am terrified of falling even more than I already have

 

[10000DaysTooMany]

You're not weak, we all have to walk through life. Living is not an easy thing, Its difficult. Were all on hear because were dealing with something that feels overwhelming to us. Deciding to CTB is inherently a selfish decision. Unless you are truly alone in this world we will always leave people behind. Weather you decide to end things or keep living for your brother or yourself; I hope you find the peace you need.

 

[AkaRed]

Sounds like you're under a lot of pressure to bear the burdens of other's issues- and it's not that you're forced, it's that you care. I wish I had some magic words to make things better for you, but I can only speak from my mind- so I'll do that.
You are an amazing, loving person for showing your brother the support he needs in a dark time for him. I am sure he's acknowledged your love for him.
But you can't be his solution, no matter how many times you reach out your hand.
I can't speak for your situation, or your brother's hurt. You know him best, as does he to himself.
If there is any practical way you can get your brother some help, please take that route. If he requires someone trained and professional, don't be afraid to seek it out. I know a lot of people on here are not the most advocating for professionals, but it is never too late to try.
Don't ignore your own hurt, it's just as valid, and if you have anywhere you can go- even if that's just here, take it. It's okay to be hurting, it's okay to need help. PM me if you need to, I'm always available to lend some support.
Do not be afraid to express your pressure to someone else if you have that option, let them take some of the pressure off.
You being by your brother's side, is very much enough. It is not your job to fix him, and you have done more than enough to help.
Whatever your brother is going through, is not your fault. And whatever happens, is not your fault. You are going to be okay, okay?
Life is hard for you right now, and I can't say that'll be the last time it ever will be. But remember the times you did enjoy, because I know they're there. Take every good opportunity you can, and keep fighting. For yourself, for your loved ones, for your brother- whatever it takes.
I'm absolutely praying for your safety.

P.S: It's okay to cry. <3

 

[FuneralCry]

There certainly is no real relief from suffering to be found in this cruel world and it does sound really tiring what you have to endure. Feeling trapped here certainly is so awful but anyway I wish you the best.