I've been a lurker on here on and off for months. I've been aggressively suicidal at many points and planning my death is comforting. I always thought I'd use partial hanging as it's readily available to me and straightforward, but I worry that I'll back out and abort the attempt like I have in the past. A sick part of my brain wants to slit my throat (I have a history of severe sh so I could probably do it), but that's more a dream than a plan. SN sounds like the best option because once I take the drink there's no backing out. But acquiring some where I live will be difficult.
I've had periods lately of feeling good, hopeful, excited about life. After long periods of depression, this is nice. And during those times I want to avoid suicide and I regret my sh. But the suicidal ideation comes back. I wish I could just hurry up and follow through, but I think of my dog and family. It shouldn't matter, but I feel guilty. But living knowing how inadequate I am and how pointless my existence is is difficult. The back and forth between excitement and suicidal ideation is just becoming so exhausting. It makes me want to follow through more.
Thanks for reading, sorry for the vent.
I've had periods lately of feeling good, hopeful, excited about life. After long periods of depression, this is nice. And during those times I want to avoid suicide and I regret my sh. But the suicidal ideation comes back. I wish I could just hurry up and follow through, but I think of my dog and family. It shouldn't matter, but I feel guilty. But living knowing how inadequate I am and how pointless my existence is is difficult. The back and forth between excitement and suicidal ideation is just becoming so exhausting. It makes me want to follow through more.
Thanks for reading, sorry for the vent.
