It just overwhelming how meaningless and futile our lives are. The end is absolutely certain: we all going to die, cease to exist. They say future isn't written in stone, but actually it is. The other day i was remembering my past, being in school, looking for a job for the first time etc. and it dawned on me how all these things that made me afraid, that made me happy, that were bothering me - they all no longer exist anywhere outside of my head and there's no possibility of veryfing that majority of them happened at all and not just fidgets of my imagination... Yeah, i obviously always knew that past is in the past, etc. but it opened to me in some other light, vivid as never before...
And things that are happening to me now, they are all meaningless too. It doesn't matter if i will go on with my life as it is, will be working my ass to gain some sucess, will go wandering the street and eating scraps - it all inevitably will become past.
And the fact that there's nothing after we die just adds insult to injury. It doesn't matter whether humanity colonises other planets, immortality and Panacea discovered or anything - to me the universe ends couple of decades from now, best case scenario. And it might as well be next second. Because time goes on and on, it doesn't wait for anything, more and more of stuff becoming just another memory that doesn't objectively exist.... And just how i remembering another morning of me bot wanting to go to school i will remeber today... And next day and day after that, and then i just die....
I don't want to die, i wish with every cell of my body to exist, but it doesn't matter. It's like trying to levitate - no matter how you tense your muscles - you won't fly... And you maybe thinking what the hell am i doing on a suicide forum if i don't want to die? They say waiting for something bad to happen can be worse than the event itself... And it's true for me. I know I'm going to die and no matter how big is my desire to exist - it's going to happen. And death is hanging over each and every living creature like the sword of Damocles... And often i think "What the fuck am i waiting for? I know what's going to happen - maybe i should get this thing over with already instead of waiting?".. And the more i think of it - the more appealing that thought becomes...
And things that are happening to me now, they are all meaningless too. It doesn't matter if i will go on with my life as it is, will be working my ass to gain some sucess, will go wandering the street and eating scraps - it all inevitably will become past.
And the fact that there's nothing after we die just adds insult to injury. It doesn't matter whether humanity colonises other planets, immortality and Panacea discovered or anything - to me the universe ends couple of decades from now, best case scenario. And it might as well be next second. Because time goes on and on, it doesn't wait for anything, more and more of stuff becoming just another memory that doesn't objectively exist.... And just how i remembering another morning of me bot wanting to go to school i will remeber today... And next day and day after that, and then i just die....
I don't want to die, i wish with every cell of my body to exist, but it doesn't matter. It's like trying to levitate - no matter how you tense your muscles - you won't fly... And you maybe thinking what the hell am i doing on a suicide forum if i don't want to die? They say waiting for something bad to happen can be worse than the event itself... And it's true for me. I know I'm going to die and no matter how big is my desire to exist - it's going to happen. And death is hanging over each and every living creature like the sword of Damocles... And often i think "What the fuck am i waiting for? I know what's going to happen - maybe i should get this thing over with already instead of waiting?".. And the more i think of it - the more appealing that thought becomes...
