That’s all folks…..

[kitkat9234]

What's the fucking point. My daughter wants nothing to do with me and we have no relationship anymore. She's with her father this weekend and for the holiday. I had asked if she wanted to stay with me Sunday night into Monday since I'm off of work for one last chance to spend time with her. I told the Universe if she said no then this is my sign to fucking end it. Turns out she has a sleepover party Sunday into a Monday so looks like I have my fucking answer………..

What's the fucking point of going on anymore. I don't even know why I'm even posting….

I don't have to go back to work until Wednesday. I originally planned it this way. Thought that there might be a chance with my daughter and not going through with it but I have my answer now. No turning back….,

I still have to write out all my credit card/subscriptions/log ins/insurance information to make it easier to settle my affairs. So overwhelming. Need to do it tomorrow. I feel like a dick if I don't but hey I'll be dead so who cares.

Still need to practice measuring out everything with table salt and mix it. Still worried I will fail SN as I don't have meto or benzos. Will improvise with other meds. Need to brush up on protocol. Still worried I will throw it up and fail. But I need to just do it just do it just do it already.

Will probably plan for Sunday at some point. I live alone and no one will be looking for me. Hoping my cats won't give me away by meowing to alert my neighbors. They (my cats) don't care anyway…. Nobody fucking cares. I have no one and I've ruined everything. And these meds have ruined me.

I just need to do it just fucking do it just fucking do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stop crying…..

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

I'm sorry it has come to this. That's awful. I feel the sadness in your post. May you find peace in whichever path you'll be taking.

 

[kitkat9234]

I'm sorry it has come to this. That's awful. I feel the sadness in your post. May you find peace in whichever path you'll be taking.

Thank you I wish I could go back and change things. I've fucked everything up with my selfish decisions. It eats me up everyday. Im constantly reminded of my fuck ups. I just need to end it. But im scared

 

[kitkat9234]

So many credit cards and accounts to write out log ins/passwords. Subscriptions then life insurance and retirement account documents.

I feel obligated it to do this so it's not more of a mess to deal with after I pass. Getting all my debts paid so can pay out the rest of my life insurance money faster. My apartment on the other hand is going to be an ordeal. So much stuff…. Ugh.

So much to do with so little time. I'm hoping I will have the energy and motivation to do everything tomorrow. Still undecided about suicide notes. Not sure what I would say. It's really only my mom, my daughter and her father. Then last wishes for burial? I don't know…. Just put my ashes in a dumpster. I could request military burial and honors as I'm a vet but feel like it would be a disgrace since it's clearly a suicide.

So much to fucking think about!!!!

Anything else I am missing? I should have bought this end of life planner I saw when I had the chance but was still on the fence.

 

[Firefly.Forest]

What's the fucking point. My daughter wants nothing to do with me and we have no relationship anymore. She's with her father this weekend and for the holiday. I had asked if she wanted to stay with me Sunday night into Monday since I'm off of work for one last chance to spend time with her. I told the Universe if she said no then this is my sign to fucking end it. Turns out she has a sleepover party Sunday into a Monday so looks like I have my fucking answer………..

What's the fucking point of going on anymore. I don't even know why I'm even posting….

I don't have to go back to work until Wednesday. I originally planned it this way. Thought that there might be a chance with my daughter and not going through with it but I have my answer now. No turning back….,

I still have to write out all my credit card/subscriptions/log ins/insurance information to make it easier to settle my affairs. So overwhelming. Need to do it tomorrow. I feel like a dick if I don't but hey I'll be dead so who cares.

Still need to practice measuring out everything with table salt and mix it. Still worried I will fail SN as I don't have meto or benzos. Will improvise with other meds. Need to brush up on protocol. Still worried I will throw it up and fail. But I need to just do it just do it just do it already.

Will probably plan for Sunday at some point. I live alone and no one will be looking for me. Hoping my cats won't give me away by meowing to alert my neighbors. They (my cats) don't care anyway…. Nobody fucking cares. I have no one and I've ruined everything. And these meds have ruined me.

I just need to do it just fucking do it just fucking do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stop crying…..

I am so sorry for all the pain and suffering you have been through. I can relate to much of what you are saying as far as wishing you could change previous decisions made, not having things done and not having everything needed for the protocol.

I understand the torn feeling you are expressing as well as the misery because it mirrors my own. I hope whatever path you choose can bring you peace.

Sending kindness your way....Hugs

 

[kitkat9234]

I am so sorry for all the pain and suffering you have been through. I can relate to much of what you are saying as far as wishing you could change previous decisions made, not having things done and not having everything needed for the protocol.

I understand the torn feeling you are expressing as well as the misery because it mirrors my own. I hope whatever path you choose can bring you peace.

Sending kindness your way....Hugs

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry you have also found yourself here

 

[Dumbass]

I'm sorry you're going through this :( The process of figuring out accounts/cards/etc can be a lot, good on you for doing the work of figuring things out for others despite what you're going thru. I wish you the best

 

[Redacted24]

Hi, I admire your efforts to make things easier for those you're leaving behind. That in and of itself demonstrates that just because you've made poor choices in the past, those don't define you as a person. You're clearly caring and thoughtful - and regretful - which implies you are aware and pentinent.

You're a good person, deep inside. I'm sorry you're to this point.

Thank you for serving! Don't hesitate to use the veterans benefits you've earned! Way too many that served lose to their struggles and exit early. There's no shame in that.

Don't be ashamed for having fought for so very long for yourself and for your daughter. You did your best, right?

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I'm sorry for where life has brought you. We all make mistakes, and I know all too well the feeling of wanting to go back, to undo things, to make it right. You've clearly thought about this and want to get it done. I just hope you can find some time for you, to find some calmness, between all the affairs you are trying to finalise. I don't have kids, but understand you being very emotional about your daughter. I was a horrible teenager myself and regret those years, I only got closer to my mom after school.

As for the last wishes, I don't think suicide is a disgrace and as a vet you deserve that burial. It will also make arrangements easier I think for everyone concerned. Fyi, I'm in process of corresponding with a funeral services firm, and asked for my ashes to be disposed of in the cheapest way possible. The response was, "to organize your funeral is one thing, "dispose" your remains another thing, as I can't dispose human ashes somewhere…" I guess, just be specific, and as far as I know your last Will is the most important.

You are a kind soul, I wish you all the best, and send love your way.

 

[MyShadow]

What's the fucking point. My daughter wants nothing to do with me and we have no relationship anymore. She's with her father this weekend and for the holiday. I had asked if she wanted to stay with me Sunday night into Monday since I'm off of work for one last chance to spend time with her. I told the Universe if she said no then this is my sign to fucking end it. Turns out she has a sleepover party Sunday into a Monday so looks like I have my fucking answer………..

What's the fucking point of going on anymore. I don't even know why I'm even posting….

I don't have to go back to work until Wednesday. I originally planned it this way. Thought that there might be a chance with my daughter and not going through with it but I have my answer now. No turning back….,

I still have to write out all my credit card/subscriptions/log ins/insurance information to make it easier to settle my affairs. So overwhelming. Need to do it tomorrow. I feel like a dick if I don't but hey I'll be dead so who cares.

Still need to practice measuring out everything with table salt and mix it. Still worried I will fail SN as I don't have meto or benzos. Will improvise with other meds. Need to brush up on protocol. Still worried I will throw it up and fail. But I need to just do it just do it just do it already.

Will probably plan for Sunday at some point. I live alone and no one will be looking for me. Hoping my cats won't give me away by meowing to alert my neighbors. They (my cats) don't care anyway…. Nobody fucking cares. I have no one and I've ruined everything. And these meds have ruined me.

I just need to do it just fucking do it just fucking do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stop crying…..

Our kids are the most profound sources of joy and heartbreak. My son stopped talking to me six months ago and won't share his reasons and the pain of that curls up in the bottom of my stomach then races up through my heart and into my brain. It hurts so much that I've lost the ability to cry. I just feel numb and useless.

 

[TBONTB]

Our kids are the most profound sources of joy and heartbreak. My son stopped talking to me six months ago and won't share his reasons and the pain of that curls up in the bottom of my stomach then races up through my heart and into my brain. It hurts so much that I've lost the ability to cry. I just feel numb and useless.

I am so sorry for this pain. I've understood that children separating from their parents is a growing painful trend.

 

[MyShadow]

I am so sorry for this pain. I've understood that children separating from their parents is a growing painful trend.

Thank you. I should tell you the whole story to give you a better understanding of why it's so heartbreaking.

 

[kitkat9234]

Thank you for the kind words everyone. I really appreciate it

Our kids are the most profound sources of joy and heartbreak. My son stopped talking to me six months ago and won't share his reasons and the pain of that curls up in the bottom of my stomach then races up through my heart and into my brain. It hurts so much that I've lost the ability to cry. I just feel numb and useless.

I'm so sorry. It's so unbelievably painful.