Please tell me I'm not the only one who hears this faint voice ... I have wanted to die really my entire life. I had planned to CTB a little while ago, but of course bullshit got in the way and I postponed. I'm not working right now and my unemployment ran out, so that makes it easy to just let things go as I have no money coming in anymore outside of what I've saved from that. I have what I need to CTB and I have plans to do so by the end of the year. BUT ... that damn faint voice in the back of my head says "you need to get a job", "you can't do this to your family", "you will hurt so many people" etc. My suicidal thoughts pound in my head all day everyday, but for some reason, that faint voice still makes it through and makes me second guess shit. Not necessarily second guess, I know what I want to do, what I need to do. I don't want a job, my depression and social anxiety would make that hell if I did. So please keep your fingers crossed for me, please let me block that faint voice out to just let things happen. I want to, I need to and I promised myself I wouldn't see 2022 and I am holding myself to it. Fuck off faint voice, quit trying to interfere and let me do what I need to do and finally be at peace!
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goldenvirginia
Member
- Sep 16, 2021
- 98
I hear it constantly, always lurking in the background no matter what I do.
wait.what
no really, what?
- Aug 14, 2020
- 990
I know what you mean, and that shit just adds to the torture. For some reason, I'm back to trying to claw my way out of the pit again. Mostly because I found some new ways to flail about like a Muppet and then fail. If (when, realistically) I find myself being throttled by depression again, I hope I find a way to shut that little voice up and just let the blackness take me. I am so fucking sick of trying and trying and trying and always ending right back where I started. I've thought of getting a tattoo of Sisyphus. I still might.
goldenvirginia
Member
- Sep 16, 2021
- 98
I feel like I'm in a nightmare I can't wake up from. It's just this loop that won't stop. I can have a brief few days when I can pretend I'm making progress, but then it slips again. I'm so tired of it.
I completely understand how you both feel. I have battled these thoughts for years and years and YEARS. I have had these thoughts since I was a young teenager, I wish I had acted on them then and saved me from this hell. I am beyond sick of the loop, and I hate that voice that truly does add to the torture. I think people really don't understand that even if I'm having a good day, the thoughts are still there. Even if I smile and laugh, the thoughts are still there - and most of that shit is fake. I just need to shut the voice out, pull the trigger and ride into the blackness. I wish it wasn't like this for us ... but no one understands unless they live it everyday. I just want peace and I deserve it, we all do, whatever that looks like for us.
goldenvirginia
Member
- Sep 16, 2021
- 98
For me, the fear of actually ending it, only adds to the self disgust I feel. I'm so unhappy, but too scared to actually end it. It's like rubbing salt in an open wound. So fucking frustrating.
I understand, SI is a bitch ... it adds to my self disgust too. These posts I see on social media, "you should be so proud of yourself for being alive right now if you want to kill yourself" ... um no, I feel like a fucking failure and it makes my hate myself even more because I should have been dead forever ago and I haven't been able to get it done. You're not alone, I envy the people who have the thought and end it right away. They are brave, but unfortunately, I think more of us suffer for years before we actually can end it. Hopefully my time is coming soon, it has to. I can't go on like this.
goldenvirginia
Member
- Sep 16, 2021
- 98
I've gathered together a stash of pills over the past year. No idea if they'd actually be enough, but in some small way it makes me feel better knowing I have them. Maybe I should ask wether the dosages would work? Lol Jesus, I kinda even feel scared about asking. So glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. It's so terrifyingly lonely.
I understand and you're most definitely not alone, I am so thankful for this forum where we can be open about our true feelings. I really don't know much about medicine, I know it's kind of a toss up whether it would work or not. But either way, I understand you feeling more secure with them there. I have a gun, that's how I'm going to CTB, I've never used a gun though, so I think that's part of what makes my SI kick in even though I am very confident it will go as planned. I have people that love me and care, that's part of the voice, the thing is, I don't want them to care, I want them to let me go. No one knows how close I am to doing it and no one knows I have the gun, it is lonely, even if you have people around you. I understand.
goldenvirginia
Member
- Sep 16, 2021
- 98
When I was a kid my mum attempted suicide. I remember coming home from school and finding her pass out. I was only 5 at the time and couldn't really process what was happening. It was never ever discussed as a family, just swept under the carpet. But I decided in that moment it must have been my fault. Illogical I know. But those thoughts were never countered and they only grew as I got older. The feeling that I was a bad person evolved and grew with me into adulthood. I'm a fairly intelligent person and can see the wrong in thinking this way. But it's all I've ever known. It comes as naturally as breathing, no matter what I do. Not sure why I told you all that. I guess I needed to get it off my chest. Suicide is hard on the people you leave behind. But that deep, clawing feeling of not wanting to be here, is too hard to bear.
I'm sorry you saw that and that it has carried with you for your whole life. You don't need to apologize, you vent or get anything off your chest you want. I have stayed alive for a handful of people my whole life, primarily my parents and my partner. I don't want to hurt them and I know I will when I do it. They have kept me here for my whole life really, my parents anyway and my partner over the last several years. But I am also getting to the point I cannot stay alive for them, the pain, the depression, the anxiety is too much. When I CTB, I want to leave a note (another source of stress, no idea where to start) at least letting them know that none of it's their fault, because it's not. It's me. I hate myself and I want to be dead. I hope that brings them some sort of peace, but I know they will be hurt. But I can't continue to carry the pain and emptiness I feel any longer for them
goldenvirginia
Member
- Sep 16, 2021
- 98
Yeah…the note. So many times I've written one out, only to crumple it up and throw it away. Words are so important i think. Being able to say something at the end which can hopefully explain and alleviate any guilt your loved ones might feel. Not sure anything you say will help really. But it's so, so important.
I haven't even started mine because I have so much to say, I don't know where to start. But I will definitely leave one. I want them to know it's not their fault. I know it may not help and anything I say probably won't help, but words are so important. I can understand why you've written it and crumpled it up, I see myself doing that when I try and start that too. I wish I was never born and I wouldn't have anything to worry about. Ugh.
goldenvirginia
Member
- Sep 16, 2021
- 98
It's funny. I actually don't wish I'd never been born. I've experienced some wonderful things, met some great people. I completely cherish those things. But, these feelings have been building for the past few years. The constant unease, putting an end to any happiness. My feelings are impacting on the people I care about. My misery is causing them misery. I've tried the therapy route and the medication. Nothing has helped. And the guilt I live with over me making other people unhappy is hideous. I know deep down, it's time for everyone to move on.
I can relate to that. I have also experienced some wonderful things, met some great people and I do cherish those memories as well. It's just that even during all that, the thoughts were always in the background and now they are louder than ever and the memories of days gone by are catching up with me knowing things will never be the same. I want to do it so people can move on, so they don't have to worry about me and I won't have to worry about anything. I need forever sleep and peace.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 42,605
I'm sorry you are suffering. I think many of us have doubts. It is understandable not wanting to cause pain to others, even know we have no obligations to stay alive and of course there is the survival instinct. Also, I think we often cling on to false hope. Our own thoughts can torture us. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
