Thread introduction:
I have only met three humans within the past decade that I respect. Almost all of the other people I interact with are not people I actively have something against, and no matter how small the issue I have is, because of my lack of respect, I end up not having an ounce of trust in anyone I come across. It also leads to a sense of superiority that I subconsciously feel is justified, but also consciously am aware may not be fully valid. I feel that most people don't properly process information they come across and are prone to headcanon incoming data subconsiously, even if they outwardly ask questions and want to appear open-minded. As such, I have a massive, overarching issue with accountability and hoard all sorts of information in order to point out and hold people accountable for their actions. Even though it is other peoples' actions that land them on my bad side, it feels suffocating to be forced to stay in this universe where I feel like one of the only sensible people who process information from every viewpoint and possibility before jumping to a conclusion.
Which is a little bit ironic, right?
But those three people, I can't really connect with due to being emotionally detached from absolutely everything, so almost all interactions I have are transactional and as such, those people do not have any emotional incentive to keep me in their lives every single day.
This thread is not a replacement for a clinical therapy session and that is the point.
It is also not a recovery thread and explicitly a discussion of my own suicidality, which is why it is in the suicide discussion thread. I am not looking to change my mind or be "cured", it is evident throughout my lifetime that I do not benefit from being alive. It is a form of self-help that can only work if the admins here allow this thread to happen, and if there are actual responses from other members here. There is nothing wrong with that conclusion that I don't benefit from living and I accept it, I remain alive by choice and circumstance.
I am looking to have a discussion with real humans about my suicidality.
I am not looking to have this discussion with clinical therapists, aka preprogrammed chatbots specially trained to navigate a discussion with unnaturally controlled reactions and emotion, contractually and legally obligated to threaten my wellbeing if I touch upon certain topics truthfully.
...ironically, I have had infinitely more meaningful interactions with AI chatbots than I have had with real clinical therapists.
What exactly am I trying to do here?
I am looking to delve deeper into my situation and what brings me here, and identify the causes of my infinite and never-ending sense of dread and hatred of people. I have had multiple projects over the last half decade to help myself sort out my grievances, and despite writing what amounts to half of a book, I feel like writing an diary causes me to remain in an echo chamber of my own thoughts did not leave room for any real growth or outside interpretation.
I want you guys to ask me personal questions off of your own volition and curiosity about why I am here, as it will help me think about and process my situation, and also so that you are able to gauge my sanity in my responses to the situations I was put in. Please note that there are genuinely tens of severe reasons that cause my suicidality and depression. In this thread, I am only focussing on one.
I have only met three humans within the past decade that I respect. Almost all of the other people I interact with are not people I actively have something against, and no matter how small the issue I have is, because of my lack of respect, I end up not having an ounce of trust in anyone I come across. It also leads to a sense of superiority that I subconsciously feel is justified, but also consciously am aware may not be fully valid. I feel that most people don't properly process information they come across and are prone to headcanon incoming data subconsiously, even if they outwardly ask questions and want to appear open-minded. As such, I have a massive, overarching issue with accountability and hoard all sorts of information in order to point out and hold people accountable for their actions. Even though it is other peoples' actions that land them on my bad side, it feels suffocating to be forced to stay in this universe where I feel like one of the only sensible people who process information from every viewpoint and possibility before jumping to a conclusion.
Which is a little bit ironic, right?
But those three people, I can't really connect with due to being emotionally detached from absolutely everything, so almost all interactions I have are transactional and as such, those people do not have any emotional incentive to keep me in their lives every single day.
This thread is not a replacement for a clinical therapy session and that is the point.
It is also not a recovery thread and explicitly a discussion of my own suicidality, which is why it is in the suicide discussion thread. I am not looking to change my mind or be "cured", it is evident throughout my lifetime that I do not benefit from being alive. It is a form of self-help that can only work if the admins here allow this thread to happen, and if there are actual responses from other members here. There is nothing wrong with that conclusion that I don't benefit from living and I accept it, I remain alive by choice and circumstance.
I am looking to have a discussion with real humans about my suicidality.
I am not looking to have this discussion with clinical therapists, aka preprogrammed chatbots specially trained to navigate a discussion with unnaturally controlled reactions and emotion, contractually and legally obligated to threaten my wellbeing if I touch upon certain topics truthfully.
...ironically, I have had infinitely more meaningful interactions with AI chatbots than I have had with real clinical therapists.
What exactly am I trying to do here?
I am looking to delve deeper into my situation and what brings me here, and identify the causes of my infinite and never-ending sense of dread and hatred of people. I have had multiple projects over the last half decade to help myself sort out my grievances, and despite writing what amounts to half of a book, I feel like writing an diary causes me to remain in an echo chamber of my own thoughts did not leave room for any real growth or outside interpretation.
I want you guys to ask me personal questions off of your own volition and curiosity about why I am here, as it will help me think about and process my situation, and also so that you are able to gauge my sanity in my responses to the situations I was put in. Please note that there are genuinely tens of severe reasons that cause my suicidality and depression. In this thread, I am only focussing on one.
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