RosebyAnyName
Staring at the ceiling for 6 hours
- Nov 9, 2023
- 372
I am not currently diagnosed with BPD, but no way am I going to speak with a psych. I don't trust them to not just slap on the BPD label regardless of what I say.
I'm terrified that I have BPD because I relate to some (but not all) of the criteria. Particularly, fear of abandonment, unstable sense of self, and stress-related paranoia / dissociation. I also somewhat relate to: unstable relationships, mood instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, and anger problems. I hate the idea of having BPD because I'd have no hope of recovering.
I was previously diagnosed with autism through my own pursuits as an adult, and autism does run a lot in the family (only the boys are diagnosed though, and I'm female). Originally I pursued an autism diagnosis due to social difficulties, emotional dysregluation ("highly sensitive", + childhood anger management issues), and even physical sensitivity (I sometimes wear my clothes inside-out when I needed to concentrate, + I struggle to concentrate in loud / busy settings).
Recently I was friends with another woman and started to develop feelings for her / thought she was interested too (she mentioned she dated women), so I asked her out. She said no, but I was ok with staying friends. Then, while she continued to accept my invitations to places, she stopped inviting me to places and basically didn't reach out. I started to worry she was just trying to "let me off easy" and hated me, so I stopped all contact and she never reached out again.
I was so devastated by this that I started to wonder: "is this splitting?" Was it too soon for me to tell her I really valued her friendship after only 8 months of being friends? Am I clingy? After we stopped being friends and it finally settled in a week or two later, I was so suicidal (but not wanting to attempt at that time) that I started seriously neglecting my health for months after.
But it's not just recently. I had friends in gradeschool, highschool, post-secondary, etc. but in retrospect there was always one friend who I liked more than anyone else but I'd realize I was closer to her than she was to me. I never really "split" on them in the sense that I started to lash out and despise them, but I more just despised myself for feeling so attached to someone who didn't feel the same way and not realizing it until after the fact. This same phenomenon has been persistent for my whole life. Is it just me being a lesbian and finding women attractive or is it splitting / being obsessive? Is it both and I'm just fucked up?
I hate myself and reject myself a lot. Sometimes I will come across my own posts and think "huh? who's this?" Aside from the fact that a message would be attached to my username, I would assume someone else wrote it.
I'm always censoring myself and putting myself down to try and fit in.
"Haha no I don't love cats *that* much, I'm not a crazy cat lady" (I want to live alone and get at least three cats the second I move out.)
"I'm into alt fashion, but I know it makes me look weird and stupid so it's fine if people don't want to hang out with me in public." (in actuality, it hurts my feelings a lot)
Now whenever I share my interests, I try to act like I don't care. Heck, with that ex friend I mentioned earlier, I remember often saying something along the lines of "it's ok if you only like me because of this one shared interest we have" even though evidently I ended up feeling more. Am I bad? Was I manipulating her? I don't think I was doing it intentionally but now the idea that I was doing it intentionally haunts me. Do I just manipulate people because I know I'm unlovable otherwise?
Often I'll spend at least half an hour carefully writing a message and making sure it's legible, otherwise my posts end up like this one: long, nonsensical, "ramble-y", etc. and usually I edit like crazy in the hopes it will make people listen to me more but is *that* manipulative? Is using emotionally charged language manipulative? Is *intentionally* using emotional language manipulative?
I've considered I might have OCD too. When I got my autism diagnosis, I was "suspected strongly for OCD" with it. I always need reassurance, I always feel I want people to tell me that what I feel is real and what I think is normal, but then when they tell me my feelings are exaggerated or what I think is weird I get extremely upset. Even if I get reassurance instead, it doesn't make me feel better. For example: "What's wrong with me?" -> get autism diagnosis -> "now I finally know what's wrong with me." -> feel better for a couple months -> "but is it really autism??? what if it's BPD?"
It's like my obsession is with knowing the truth about myself, and my compulsion is to get reassurance from others. But isn't that also just BPD / "unstable sense of self?"
I'm so scared there's something deeply wrong and unfixable about me. I keep telling myself there's nothing wrong, but then why am I so miserable and alone? Why am I unable to understand myself or keep friends? If I was fixable, then why haven't my persistent efforts led anywhere?
I'm terrified that I have BPD because I relate to some (but not all) of the criteria. Particularly, fear of abandonment, unstable sense of self, and stress-related paranoia / dissociation. I also somewhat relate to: unstable relationships, mood instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, and anger problems. I hate the idea of having BPD because I'd have no hope of recovering.
I was previously diagnosed with autism through my own pursuits as an adult, and autism does run a lot in the family (only the boys are diagnosed though, and I'm female). Originally I pursued an autism diagnosis due to social difficulties, emotional dysregluation ("highly sensitive", + childhood anger management issues), and even physical sensitivity (I sometimes wear my clothes inside-out when I needed to concentrate, + I struggle to concentrate in loud / busy settings).
Recently I was friends with another woman and started to develop feelings for her / thought she was interested too (she mentioned she dated women), so I asked her out. She said no, but I was ok with staying friends. Then, while she continued to accept my invitations to places, she stopped inviting me to places and basically didn't reach out. I started to worry she was just trying to "let me off easy" and hated me, so I stopped all contact and she never reached out again.
I was so devastated by this that I started to wonder: "is this splitting?" Was it too soon for me to tell her I really valued her friendship after only 8 months of being friends? Am I clingy? After we stopped being friends and it finally settled in a week or two later, I was so suicidal (but not wanting to attempt at that time) that I started seriously neglecting my health for months after.
But it's not just recently. I had friends in gradeschool, highschool, post-secondary, etc. but in retrospect there was always one friend who I liked more than anyone else but I'd realize I was closer to her than she was to me. I never really "split" on them in the sense that I started to lash out and despise them, but I more just despised myself for feeling so attached to someone who didn't feel the same way and not realizing it until after the fact. This same phenomenon has been persistent for my whole life. Is it just me being a lesbian and finding women attractive or is it splitting / being obsessive? Is it both and I'm just fucked up?
I hate myself and reject myself a lot. Sometimes I will come across my own posts and think "huh? who's this?" Aside from the fact that a message would be attached to my username, I would assume someone else wrote it.
I'm always censoring myself and putting myself down to try and fit in.
"Haha no I don't love cats *that* much, I'm not a crazy cat lady" (I want to live alone and get at least three cats the second I move out.)
"I'm into alt fashion, but I know it makes me look weird and stupid so it's fine if people don't want to hang out with me in public." (in actuality, it hurts my feelings a lot)
Now whenever I share my interests, I try to act like I don't care. Heck, with that ex friend I mentioned earlier, I remember often saying something along the lines of "it's ok if you only like me because of this one shared interest we have" even though evidently I ended up feeling more. Am I bad? Was I manipulating her? I don't think I was doing it intentionally but now the idea that I was doing it intentionally haunts me. Do I just manipulate people because I know I'm unlovable otherwise?
Often I'll spend at least half an hour carefully writing a message and making sure it's legible, otherwise my posts end up like this one: long, nonsensical, "ramble-y", etc. and usually I edit like crazy in the hopes it will make people listen to me more but is *that* manipulative? Is using emotionally charged language manipulative? Is *intentionally* using emotional language manipulative?
I've considered I might have OCD too. When I got my autism diagnosis, I was "suspected strongly for OCD" with it. I always need reassurance, I always feel I want people to tell me that what I feel is real and what I think is normal, but then when they tell me my feelings are exaggerated or what I think is weird I get extremely upset. Even if I get reassurance instead, it doesn't make me feel better. For example: "What's wrong with me?" -> get autism diagnosis -> "now I finally know what's wrong with me." -> feel better for a couple months -> "but is it really autism??? what if it's BPD?"
It's like my obsession is with knowing the truth about myself, and my compulsion is to get reassurance from others. But isn't that also just BPD / "unstable sense of self?"
I'm so scared there's something deeply wrong and unfixable about me. I keep telling myself there's nothing wrong, but then why am I so miserable and alone? Why am I unable to understand myself or keep friends? If I was fixable, then why haven't my persistent efforts led anywhere?
