Venting Terrified but done (Goodbye)

[timetodie24]

Tried everything but they're right and they win.
I was never meant to exist and I'm sorry to all the damage I have caused the world.
But I will save it.
I'm scared
But I am done
I've cried wolf enough.
I think it really is timetodie

 

[Worndown]

I hope your next steps are successful.

 

[Culprit]

Good luck<3

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

If not come back to us and we'll welcome you with open arms, as you know

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you all . So tired and ready this time

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Wishing you peace and relief no matter what happens — we are here for you <3

 

[lalaloopsy]

i'm sorry you're so exhausted, i really hope you find restfulness and peace, whatever happens <3

 

[maniac116]

I'm sorry your life has brought you to this point but hope you get what you're looking for.
May you find a place of peace & love

 

[alltoomuch2]

I hope your next steps are successful.

I don't. Timetodie24 is psychotic (diagnosed) and it would be a tragedy if they ctb'd. Bloody mental health services are responsible for this. I'm beyond sad for timetodie24 and furious with the UK mental health services.

Tried everything but they're right and they win.
I was never meant to exist and I'm sorry to all the damage I have caused the world.
But I will save it.
I'm scared
But I am done
I've cried wolf enough.
I think it really is timetodie

No. Timedodie24 this isn't right. You know you are psychotic, Christ even the slow-coach inadequate mental health services agree this is psychosis. You know that the system hasn't hurt me or any of us that have tried to support you in the best way we can. The system is bluffing and bullying you. It doesn't have the power to do what it says. It's just using the psychosis to lie and persuade you. Lets make a deal. If I'm here and still ok next week, you tell the system to f off, it can't do anything. If I'm not ok next week, I'll admit I was wrong (but you and I know that I will be here next week because its lying to you). Please @timetodie24 give yourself more time to think about this and realise the system is a capricious liar that just wants its own way, but has no power at all. You are not a glitch. You are a wonderful kind person who, all along has thought of other people and put them first despite everything that is going on. Call your psychosis team. Ask them for help to kick the system into the wings or out of your life. Or just wait and give what they're doing more time to help.
You know I'm pro-choice and not pro-life. But this is wrong. It's really wrong. And my heart is breaking that you feel you're on your own against the system. Because you're not. I'm here and so are your other friends. Don't listen to the people wishing you success. They don't know your story and what's happening and why you think you have to do this.
Stay here. Be here. Wait. xxx

I'm sorry your life has brought you to this point but hope you get what you're looking for.
May you find a place of peace & love

sorry but psychosis has brought them to this point and it would be a tragedy if they ctb today.

I'm sorry your life has brought you to this point but hope you get what you're looking for.
May you find a place of peace & love

sorry but psychosis has brought them to this point and it would be a tragedy if they ctb today.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I don't. Timetodie24 is psychotic (diagnosed) and it would be a tragedy if they ctb'd. Bloody mental health services are responsible for this. I'm beyond sad for timetodie24 and furious with the UK mental health services.

No. Timedodie24 this isn't right. You know you are psychotic, Christ even the slow-coach inadequate mental health services agree this is psychosis. You know that the system hasn't hurt me or any of us that have tried to support you in the best way we can. The system is bluffing and bullying you. It doesn't have the power to do what it says. It's just using the psychosis to lie and persuade you. Lets make a deal. If I'm here and still ok next week, you tell the system to f off, it can't do anything. If I'm not ok next week, I'll admit I was wrong (but you and I know that I will be here next week because its lying to you). Please @timetodie24 give yourself more time to think about this and realise the system is a capricious liar that just wants its own way, but has no power at all. You are not a glitch. You are a wonderful kind person who, all along has thought of other people and put them first despite everything that is going on. Call your psychosis team. Ask them for help to kick the system into the wings or out of your life. Or just wait and give what they're doing more time to help.
You know I'm pro-choice and not pro-life. But this is wrong. It's really wrong. And my heart is breaking that you feel you're on your own against the system. Because you're not. I'm here and so are your other friends. Don't listen to the people wishing you success. They don't know your story and what's happening and why you think you have to do this.
Stay here. Be here. Wait. xxx

sorry but psychosis has brought them to this point and it would be a tragedy if they ctb today.

sorry but psychosis has brought them to this point and it would be a tragedy if they ctb today.

Thank you for this thoughtful post, I wholeheartly agree. @timetodie24 is not making and informed decision to end her life, she is being pushed to ctb by psychosis, from her other posts it doesn't even look like she wants it. She just feels she has no other choice to fix the glitch, a concept created by her psychosis symptoms.

I truly hope you're still with us @timetodie24 , you don't deserve this, your death would be in vain... I know you're suffering, probably a lot more than I did when I had psychotic depression since yours is constant, and I know how hard it is to see through psychosis, but I beg of you, please listen to the people that have been following your story and want the best for you.

I'm all about people having the right to choose to ctb, provided they are doing it out of their own will - this isn't the case for you.

I hope you're safe and just like alltoomuch I hope you seek help before it's too late. You had gotten to the point of the mental health staff finally opening their eyes and putting you in a psychosis treatment team, you're closer to recovery than you ever were previously.

I truly wish you the best, you don't deserve to die because of some system. Your life is worth more than psychosis.

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you all so much
Still here unfortunately.
Supposed to have appointment today and they want me to do it at that time instead of the appt. which makes sense.
Maybe I don't want to die today
But I won't let the world end just because I got cold feet
And every day is a struggle and is never worth it so feel ready to give up.
I swear I am evil so it's not a loss
Idk what'll happen. If i can do it but I've got to at least try, for the sake of the world.


@alltoomuch2 @ForgottenAgain
I appreciate you both being here for me so much and your compassionate responses. I promise it's not psychosis though. You and professionals are mistaken. It's not my fault that others don't have the knowledge I have and haven't heard the things I have .
Hopefully after you'll all understand though

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I'm so happy you're still with us. I hope your appointment goes well today.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you all so much
Still here unfortunately.
Supposed to have appointment today and they want me to do it at that time instead of the appt. which makes sense.
Maybe I don't want to die today
But I won't let the world end just because I got cold feet
And every day is a struggle and is never worth it so feel ready to give up.
Idk what'll happen. If i can do it but I've got to at least try, for the sake of the world.


@alltoomuch2 @ForgottenAgain
I appreciate you both being here for me so much and your compassionate responses. I promise it's not psychosis though. You and professionals are mistaken. It's not my fault that others don't have the knowledge I have and haven't heard the things I have .
Hopefully after you'll all understand though

No timetodie24. Please don't cancel the appointment. Like ForgottenAgain said, your death would be in vain. Whether or not the system is psychosis, it's only one appointment and if the system isn't scared of the appointment why is it saying you mustn't go? If the system isn't lying, why am I still ok? Why are the others on here still ok? Take me up on my challenge. If I'm ok next week, the system's lying. If I'm not ok then I was wrong. But I will be ok. The system has threatened people on here who've helped you or known about it before and nothing's happened to us. Ask for the EIP team for help - they may be able to clarify things for you since I'm sure they're used to dealing with people being told what to do by the system. You know whatever you decide to do, I won't change my mind that you are the strongest most caring person I know, but I really hope you'll give it more time. Big strong hugs to you my friend xxxx

 

[timetodie24]

No timetodie24. Please don't cancel the appointment. Whether or not the system is psychosis, it's only one appointment and if the system isn't scared of the appointment why is it saying you mustn't go? If the system isn't lying, why am I still ok? Why are the others on here still ok? Take me up on my challenge. If I'm ok next week, the system's lying. If I'm not ok then I was wrong. But I will be ok. The system has threatened people on here who've helped you or known about it before and nothing's happened to us. Ask for the EIP team for help - they may be able to clarify things for you since I'm sure they're used to dealing with people being told what to do by the system. You know whatever you decide to do, I won't change my mind that you are the strongest most caring person I know, but I really hope you'll give it more time. Big strong hugs to you my friend xxxx

I already emailed them all there is to know about what's happening so cant see what else I have to say to them.
Idk what to do. I am so sorry for all this, I don't deserve your kindness.
I can't face people today and idk what to say to my cpn . I'm not sure I can get any words out tbh but have nothing else to write either.
I feel detached and like my head will explode today
Idk where these feelings can go
If i dont hurt myself, i'm scared i'll take it out on someone else instead and I can't, that isn't me
I dont want to do it but what the system wants is the better option

 

[alltoomuch2]

Maybe you could do what you did before and print out your posts on here? Then you don't need to say anything or think what to write. Tell them everything. That you can't face seeing someone.
Is there anything that's helped you get through these moments before?
Is there anything I can say to help?
I understand the exploding head thing and it's horrible. Really horrible. But it does go away even though you can't imagine that at the time. But I've found it does tend to subside when I finally manage to get the words to tell someone.
But don't die in vain.
I know you don't like the crisis team but they do have crisis houses where you can rest and let your head cool down and collect your thoughts. But your CPN is known to you and knows you well so that might be easier.

I already emailed them all there is to know about what's happening so cant see what else I have to say to them.
Idk what to do. I am so sorry for all this, I don't deserve your kindness.
I can't face people today and idk what to say to my cpn . I'm not sure I can get any words out tbh but have nothing else to write either.
I feel detached and like my head will explode today
Idk where these feelings can go
If i dont hurt myself, i'm scared i'll take it out on someone else instead and I can't, that isn't me
I dont want to do it but what the system wants is the better option

 

[timetodie24]

Maybe you could do what you did before and print out your posts on here? Then you don't need to say anything or think what to write. Tell them everything. That you can't face seeing someone.
Is there anything that's helped you get through these moments before?
Is there anything I can say to help?
I understand the exploding head thing and it's horrible. Really horrible. But it does go away even though you can't imagine that at the time. But I've found it does tend to subside when I finally manage to get the words to tell someone.
But don't die in vain.
I know you don't like the crisis team but they do have crisis houses where you can rest and let your head cool down and collect your thoughts. But your CPN is known to you and knows you well so that might be easier.

Idk if there's anything useful in them that they don't know but could maybe make some notes. Nothing seems to really help at all I do is keep delaying it whilst things get worse.
I feel like I'm wasting services time and manipulative if i keep going to appointments.
I'm only fooling myself and them.
I need to stop being afraid to let go. Everyone knows what's best deep down, even you know I shouldnt be alive, just dont want to admit it
Crisis team is a no go for me and they don't have any crisis houses or anything similar where I live sadly.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Idk if there's anything useful in them that they don't know but could maybe make some notes. Nothing seems to really help at all I do is keep delaying it whilst things get worse.
I feel like I'm wasting services time and manipulative if i keep going to appointments.
I'm only fooling myself and them.
I need to stop being afraid to let go. Everyone knows what's best deep down, even you know I shouldnt be alive, just dont want to admit it
Crisis team is a no go for me and they don't have any crisis houses or anything similar where I live sadly.

You are not wasting their time or being manipulative by going to appointments. It's their job! I know that you SHOULD be alive and people who know me well know that I don't lie. You are right to be afraid because i think the system is lying and you dying won't save anyone. Sorry that sounds harsh. It's just I'm so frustrated because I don't believe that the system needs you to die. Please friend, go to the appointment and see yourself as you really are which is not a glitch and not evil. You're a strong kind caring person and you need to stay. I have faith that you'll do the best thing and still be here next week, at which time I'll be on here letting you know the system has still failed to hurt me. Stay safe dear one xxxxxxx

 

[timetodie24]

You are not wasting their time or being manipulative by going to appointments. It's their job! I know that you SHOULD be alive and people who know me well know that I don't lie. You are right to be afraid because i think the system is lying and you dying won't save anyone. Sorry that sounds harsh. It's just I'm so frustrated because I don't believe that the system needs you to die. Please friend, go to the appointment and see yourself as you really are which is not a glitch and not evil. You're a strong kind caring person and you need to stay. I have faith that you'll do the best thing and still be here next week, at which time I'll be on here letting you know the system has still failed to hurt me. Stay safe dear one xxxxxxx

Thank you so much and I am really sorry for everything xx

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you so much and I am really sorry for everything xx

You've nothing at all to be sorry for lovely xxxx

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

How did your appointment go today?

 

[Leiot]

Maybe you could do what you did before and print out your posts on here? Then you don't need to say anything or think what to write. Tell them everything. That you can't face seeing someone.

That's a real good idea. You can open up and let people know how you feel here. There are things I say here I could never tell my shrink.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Thank you so much and I am really sorry for everything xx

There's nothing to apologise for
Thank you @alltoomuch2 for your dedication and compassion towards timetodie. You said everything I would have wanted to say and I'm really glad to see other members stepping up to help others in cases like this, where ctb is not the right choice giving the circumstances.

How are you feeling now? Did you go to the appointment in the end?

I know things are very hard to navigate right now, and have been for a year so far, but we're here for you as much as we can. You also have that team that can help, don't waste that even if the system tries to convince you otherwise. Use them as much as possible.

I can also tell you I'll be here next week, no matter what the system says. Take alltoomuch on their challenge and you'll see that the system doesn't have that kind of power, it's just there to confuse and manipulate your mind. We have your back, if me and alltoomuch are still here next week, you'll know they don't have that power.

You're doing good, no one will suffer, you're not an error in the universe

 

[alltoomuch2]

.

This isn't helpful. Please read all timetodie24's other posts. They don't want a "successful escape". They don't want to ctb. They are being told by voices in their head and "the system" that they are a glitch and they have to ctb in a particular violent way or many people will die. Which I strongly believe is not true. But it's very hard and confusing for them and it would be a tragedy if they died so needlessly.

Thank you so much and I am really sorry for everything xx

How did your appointment go? Can tell me in chat if you don't want to say on here. Xxx

 

[Alabaster]

Really glad you didn't do it and that some people on here are awake to what's going on with you.

I want to say some unkind things to people tacitly or explicity telling you to do ctb. It is NOT right in this case. If they aren't bots, they could stand to actually read the posts they reply to and/or think more carefully about their words. No doubt some of them get off on contributing to preventable, needless deaths. That's all I'm going to say about that for now.

I sometimes gently encourage people on here to carry on living. I think I have never yet categorically said "don't do it" to anyone. But I'm saying it to you.

Your suffering is real but its causes, in shorthand, are 'not real'. It's more complex than that, and I don't mean to minimise what you're going through. Psychological is real, psychological is in some sense physical, etc. All I mean to say is, the world will categorically not end because you are still alive. This is a fact. Medications and therapy that can help you overcome your current situation either exist *right now*, or will exist in the not-distant future. This is another fact.

Accept that your fact-detection systems are currently a bit wonky. You know this. Trust the verifiably good people that are saying that nothing bad will happen. They are correct.

In fact, *everybody's* fact-detection systems are a bit wonky. For example, we all have a sizeable chunk of vision in each eye that we can't see, but we never notice this unless we test for it (you can google 'how to demonstrate blind spot/scotoma' if you're interested and didn't already know). I say this to point out in a verifiable way that 'not knowing things' is the default state of humans, and should be accepted and not worried about.

Psychological support systems are exactly for people like you, never feel guilty for accessing them. Once you're through this, you will understand better what I mean.

No truly evil person ever worried about being evil.

If the world IS a simulation, then it ending doesn't mean anything anyway. Potentially, it can be spun up again at any time, with any arbitrary change made. If the world is NOT a simulation, then you ctb will not save it, and you will have died for nothing. Only one gamble of the two makes sense, and that's for you to live.

I hope nothing I've said will affect you negatively. Please accept any well-meant blunders for what they are, and above all, do anything you can to stay calm and avoid doing anything that can't be undone.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I can also tell you I'll be here next week, no matter what the system says. Take alltoomuch on their challenge and you'll see that the system doesn't have that kind of power, it's just there to confuse and manipulate your mind. We have your back, if me and alltoomuch are still here next week, you'll know they don't have that power.

You're doing good, no one will suffer, you're not an error in the universe

I know we've never chatted timetodie24, but if it means anything, I will gladly take part in that challenge.
We will still be here next week and will continue to support you.

 

[kvorumese]

This thread is heartbreaking. I hope you're still with us, timetodie24

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you all so much @kvorumese @NoPoint2Life @Unbolted0605 @ForgottenAgain @Leiot @alltoomuch2 @UnrulyNightmare (and @pulleditnearlyoff for DMs, @Whale_bones for kind suggestions on other thread) sorry if missed anyone out, just tagged all users where messages i could see i hadnt replied to yet
Sorry to not reply individually or fully , especially when some long and thoughtful messages were sent. Struggling with energy and focus atm. But I wanted to say I am so grateful to all of you. I have fully read and appreciate them all. Overwhelmed by the support and kindness when i deserve the opposite .

I did go to appointment, it went ok. My cpn was kind as always and I shared my worries.
Not seeing her for 2 weeks now as she's on leave next week (she did offer appt. with another practitioner next week if i couldn't wait but i didn't want to be a burden so declined) .
Things are still getting worse and idk how long I'll hold on for. Still want to do it soon.
But here for now and will see.
The system has been watching and taunting more and gaining more control of others.
They've instructed my mum to drug my food to control me more.
They're trying to make me escalate ways of SH too.
Today was an important date so i have well and truly fucked up and i know some horrible things are already going to start happening tonight. Then i will be given more tasks to save who i can. I'm so exhausted and fed up and can't see myself being here by next appt. in 2 weeks. Taking it day by day but feeling closer each day to ctb. And going to order some things to make it easier/ reduce SI.

Sorry for messing everyone around and I'm so sorry for all the terrible things happening to you or going to happen because of me .
The voices are right that I'm a weak, evil, selfish, despicable, manipulative, lying coward and everyone will suffer because i got a bit anxious and too chicken.

 

[kvorumese]

Thank you all so much @kvorumese @NoPoint2Life @Unbolted0605 @ForgottenAgain @Leiot @alltoomuch2 @UnrulyNightmare (and @pulleditnearlyoff for DMs, @Whale_bones for kind suggestions on other thread) sorry if missed anyone out, just tagged all users where messages i could see i hadnt replied to yet
Sorry to not reply individually or fully , especially when some long and thoughtful messages were sent. Struggling with energy and focus atm. But I wanted to say I am so grateful to all of you. I have fully read and appreciate them all. Overwhelmed by the support and kindness when i deserve the opposite .

I did go to appointment, it went ok. My cpn was kind as always and I shared my worries.
Not seeing her for 2 weeks now as she's on leave next week (she did offer appt. with another practitioner next week if i couldn't wait but i didn't want to be a burden so declined) .
Things are still getting worse and idk how long I'll hold on for. Still want to do it soon.
But here for now and will see.
The system has been watching and taunting more and gaining more control of others.
They've instructed my mum to drug my food to control me more.
They're trying to make me escalate ways of SH too.
Today was an important date so i have well and truly fucked up and i know some horrible things are already going to start happening tonight. Then i will be given more tasks to save who i can. I'm so exhausted and fed up and can't see myself being here by next appt. in 2 weeks. Taking it day by day but feeling closer each day to ctb. And going to order some things to make it easier/ reduce SI.

Sorry for messing everyone around and I'm so sorry for all the terrible things happening to you or going to happen because of me .
The voices are right that I'm a weak, evil, selfish, despicable, manipulative, lying coward and everyone will suffer because i got a bit anxious and too chicken.

I am extremely glad that you did not go through, and I hope that one day you will come to feel the same
Your appointment has gone well and your cpm was kind, as always. You shared your worries and it was good. And that's a great outcome, your appointments are and will continue to be helping you, slowly but surely.
Just because some people care for you and are worried about you does not make you a burden in any way - I say that from the bottom of my heart. It my experience, it's always been the opposite - whenever I get to care about somebody, I feel like I'm needed, because I'm of assistance. And I'm certain that the people arounh you who provide you help feel the same way when they help you - they are happy that they can be a positive influence. And this will continue. You do not have to die, you should not die. Stay with us - even if nobody else, then we will always be on your side. Hugs

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you all so much @kvorumese @NoPoint2Life @Unbolted0605 @ForgottenAgain @Leiot @alltoomuch2 @UnrulyNightmare (and @pulleditnearlyoff for DMs, @Whale_bones for kind suggestions on other thread) sorry if missed anyone out, just tagged all users where messages i could see i hadnt replied to yet
Sorry to not reply individually or fully , especially when some long and thoughtful messages were sent. Struggling with energy and focus atm. But I wanted to say I am so grateful to all of you. I have fully read and appreciate them all. Overwhelmed by the support and kindness when i deserve the opposite .

I did go to appointment, it went ok. My cpn was kind as always and I shared my worries.
Not seeing her for 2 weeks now as she's on leave next week (she did offer appt. with another practitioner next week if i couldn't wait but i didn't want to be a burden so declined) .
Things are still getting worse and idk how long I'll hold on for. Still want to do it soon.
But here for now and will see.
The system has been watching and taunting more and gaining more control of others.
They've instructed my mum to drug my food to control me more.
They're trying to make me escalate ways of SH too.
Today was an important date so i have well and truly fucked up and i know some horrible things are already going to start happening tonight. Then i will be given more tasks to save who i can. I'm so exhausted and fed up and can't see myself being here by next appt. in 2 weeks. Taking it day by day but feeling closer each day to ctb. And going to order some things to make it easier/ reduce SI.

Sorry for messing everyone around and I'm so sorry for all the terrible things happening to you or going to happen because of me .
The voices are right that I'm a weak, evil, selfish, despicable, manipulative, lying coward and everyone will suffer because i got a bit anxious and too chicken.

You are none of those things and you certainly are not a burden. If you were a burden i wouldn't bother with you would I. What kvorumese says is right. All of it. I'm so glad you went to the appointment. Sounds like your CPN is awesome, like mine. That's one of the things that keeps me from ctb atm. Because I can't imagine my CPN being interrogated in my inquest. That would be just awful.
I'm still fine and well. Just watched the Fantastic Beasts film that came on Netflix this week (it was rubbish. There's better films on there). But had a nice evening with crisps and icecream as a treat. Stay strong and wait for the CPN to get back. I'm keeping to my challenge to be here and be well next week whatever the system says. It can't hurt me. Glad to hear from you my friend xxx

 

[Alabaster]

Hang in there. I strongly suggest you email (or otherwise contact) your cpn and say 'actually yes, I would like that appointment, please and thank you'. Even if it can't be arranged now, I think it's good to try. And then rest (in the sense of stay alive but sleep or at least, rest).

You won't be surprised to hear that I don't think that your mum is drugging your food.

Try to keep in mind, or on paper, any specific horrible things that are being threatened. When they don't happen...

(Here I must caveat - what I would characterise as 'your illness', what you and others have called 'the system', and I will default to that name also)

...when they don't happen, the system *will try to make you forget* that its threats don't materialise, or try to morph them under your very eyes, or make excuses, or claim clemency, or things like that. This is EXTREMELY hard to resist, because 'the call is coming from inside the house', so to speak. It's inside your mind and can twist your memories, your ability to predict, and your perceptions. You will only really be able to remember times when it seems to have beem correct. Any times where it's been wrong will be fuzzy or rebuilt differently, or you won't be able to remember them at all.

But believe me when I say that, outside of your mind, it's powerless.

Because. If it was as powerful as it says, if it wanted you dead and could replace and control others around you... then why would it need you to do the job? It would be extremely easy for something so powerful to kill you itself. And *I know* it will make convenient excuses, 'oh, well you see, it's all a test, and it's very important YOU do it, to show you're dedicated and...'. I'm sure I'm off-base on the details, but whatever it actually tells you, it's all lies.

Taking it day by day is good. You are doing the right thing.