Survivor's Dilemma

[RocknRolladdict69]

I attempted suicide once. After that I started having horrible anxiety and dread. I'm at that point of my recovery that now I no longer actively want to kill myself but I still don't have the will to live. In a state of deep discontent and misery. I don't want to waste this opportunity to get back on track. Though it's only been a week since this feeling started still I wanna cling onto it and get better. Any kind words of advice?

 

[Nymph]

Never had a suicide attempt so I can't help but I hope you can recover, good luck

 

[TotallyIsolated]

It sucks being in limbo, half-way between suicidality and actually wanting to live.

There are no easy answers I'm afraid, at least that I know of. Life isn't inherently meaningful. You have to grab hold of something (or someone!) and live for that.

Whether you believe that not being able to CtB means you must therefore have a reason to live, or just that "you might as well live" there's no right or wrong answer.

The hard part, which I am also struggling with rn, is actually choosing to live. It sounds like such trite bullshit, like "thanks Im cured!", but there's no better way of putting it. If you're looking for dark clouds and sadness you'll always be able to find it, but if you look for rays of sunshine and for feelings of happiness, comfort, safety, or whatever it is you need, you at least allow yourself the chance to find them.

Life is a mixture of good and bad. I wont lie, there' SO much bad stuff in life, but there are little bits of good too - things that can make it worthwhile. Its hard work finding the good, especially for people like us with mental health issues, but if you can practise it and give life a chance you can find stuff that will make life worth living.

 

[timf]

Some people derive hope from a routine life where the sameness of each day tends to build an expectation that the next one will be the same. Those who have had more traumatic experiences are less able to derive comfort from such expectations. However, the trauma survivor also has a deeper understanding of their own resilience.

While many people have never had to experience a fiery trial, those that have often find abilities a resources they never knew they had. A life lived in the comfort of automatic pilot also leaves one unprepared to act in an emergency.

Those forced to take direct control of their lives have to experiment to find what works and what doesn't. It is not as easy as going along for a ride, but then one also has control over the destination.

Hope is now found in the occasional discovery of what yeilds positive results. As this grows to include more and more things that have proved to work (big and small) hope grows more and more real.

 

[Niftypoint124]

- spend 30mins per day (around the same time, if possible) in direct sunlight
- spend time doing things to engage your brain with more that the present misery vs hope dichotomy (clean your bathroom, go for a walk, pile up rocks in your yard to make little pagodas, build Buckingham palace out of popsicle sticks... whatever!)
- make sure you're getting enough sleep, food, and water
- keep a journal, even if it's just to catalog things you accomplished each day (e.g. "I brushed my teeth morning and night" if that's big or "researched local therapists, watched a documentary on cultivating gratitude, wrote a list of 10 things i'm thankful for"
- when needed, remind yourself that the next day has the potential to be better than the one you're having now, or the crappy one you had yesterday (adjust wording as needed, obv)

 

[MindFrog]

Hey, that's a step in the right direction.

Recovery's going to be hard for sure, but the important thing is that you're already facing there. Finding a purpose in life would help tremendously but let's be real it's difficult to do. So maybe start making small goals for now like the others suggest. I cannot really advice more than having support system and seeking medical help but it might not be available to you. I hope your recovery goes well. Goodluck, man.

 

[SanJunipero1]

I totally get this, for ages I was worse after my attempt because I felt like I'd lost my escape route and being actively suicidal had always managed to calm me down in my worst moments. I've personally found salvation in giving up, ie accepting the fact I want to die but can't end my own life and using the fact I really don't care to just try. I'm not scared of my crashes and when I'm out of the hole, my ambivalence to life makes me extremely productive coz everything is at my rhythm and mine alone.