Surviving SN: A year later

[Kayla]

So today is May 16th, which means it has been a whole year since I took SN. A whole year since I locked myself in the bathroom with police outside. A whole year since I scooped roughly 7g into a lemon fanta bottle and chugged it. A whole year since I had a cardiac arrest and had CPR for 25 minutes. I've had a lot of time to reflect on that day and the weeks after, and what happened. I still don't 100% know what fully happened that day, but I've found out bits and pieces and continue to discover things. For one, I got taken to the hospital by road when I originally thought they had taken me by air ambulance. The air ambulance was in attendance, and they intubated me at the scene, but they didn't take me to the hospital, which I was surprised at. I have a lot of trauma from what happened and a lot of what-if questions I will never get answers to. When I got discharged from the hospital, I reordered the SN twice. For some reason, the crisis team knew I had ordered it again, and to this day, I don't know how. They only knew about 1 order, so I just gave up a bottle of SN and kept the one they didn't know about. I wish I had never ordered it again, but I can't get rid of it.


If I had died that day, I would have missed out on so many things. Getting my 2 cats, making some great friends on here, going on adventures, getting tattoos, getting tickets to a concert, turning 21, getting my drone licence, getting a brand new pc setup, finally getting the support I deserved, and most importantly, getting my driving licence back. I remember being on that hospital bed and thinking that my life was over, that I would never get my driving licence back, and that I would never recover from the damage I did to myself, but I did, and while it wasn't easy, I pushed through, and here I am today.

On the other hand, if I did die on that day, there are things I would be happy to have missed. Losing a support worker I had for roughly 10 years out of the blue. She sent me a cold text message saying she couldn't see me anymore, and that was that. I almost took the SN over it because it hurt me that deeply. Someone on here also blackmailed me, but I will not go into that. Losing people on here, even if I only knew them for a short time, still cuts deep, and I think about them a lot. I would have been happy to have missed getting a hole cut into my throat, but in the end, it did save my life, so can I be that mad? When I finally got home after the hospital, I found out the people I thought were my "friends" were talking shit about me without even knowing if I was dead or alive. One of them had even received a goodbye note on the 16th, yet still did what they did.

Another thing I need to mention is the amount of invalidation and judgment I have received for sharing my story on here. I really don't need to be asked, "did u not wanna die?" or judgment over how much SN I took. What happened happened, and I can't change it. People are saying that it's because I only took 7g, that's why I "didn't die". I had a cardiac arrest and was dead for 25 minutes while they worked on me. I just didn't stay dead. Or because I didn't fast and didn't take AE or benzos, that's why I lived. None of this is true. The doctors could have called my death at any time. It's not just me who gets invalidated and made to feel like shit; I see it time and time again on other survivors' posts, and it's not fair. Think before you comment.

I live with a lot of survivor's guilt. Seeing people dying left, right, and center because of SN hurts a lot. It should have been me.

Stop giving out SN sources to people, as you don't know who is on the other side of the screen. At some point, there will be no sources left, and I cannot wait for that day.

SN has ruined my life in many ways. I wish I had never touched the stuff.

Lastly, I wanna thank a couple of people. @TomIsNotMyName thank you for being here for me, and I'm so thankful that I was able to help you back in Feb. @Dante_ thank you so much for helping me through tough times. I'm able to speak to you about anything, and for that I'm so grateful. Much love to you both.

 

[Dante_]

thankful that you're still here with us Kayla, im grateful to have your friendship and a reason i survived that day myself back in September. I appreciate you a hell of a lot for all that you've had to overcome to be here.

 

[Aflame5926]

while SN might have ruined you in many ways, you came from far and managed to do many things because of it.
BE PROUD on where you are. BE PROUD on the on the pit you crawled out of it.

don't let other members invalidated your journey. they owe you nothing. its a bit concerning about the blackmail part through.

i agree and disagree on no more SN but that is a conversation for a next thread.

+1 for 1 less suicidel idiot

 

[wine is fine but]

For some reason, the crisis team knew I had ordered it again, and to this day, I don't know how.

did it get delivered by royal mail or courier? my theory is that royal mail, australia post and others are government owned, so if they receive a package from ukraine then the government already know about it

If I had died that day, I would have missed out on so many things. Getting my 2 cats, making some great friends on here, going on adventures, getting tattoos, getting tickets to a concert, turning 21, getting my drone licence, getting a brand new pc setup, finally getting the support I deserved, and most importantly, getting my driving licence back. I remember being on that hospital bed and thinking that my life was over, that I would never get my driving licence back, and that I would never recover from the damage I did to myself, but I did, and while it wasn't easy, I pushed through, and here I am today

i am glad you survived and you have had so many good and memorable things happen for you over the last year

Losing people on here, even if I only knew them for a short time, still cuts deep, and I think about them a lot

it is totally unbelievable how much it hurts, particularly when you do not even know them, just their user name - when you seemed to be away for a few weeks not long ago, i was worried about you. i am glad you came back

Another thing I need to mention is the amount of invalidation and judgment I have received for sharing my story on here. I really don't need to be asked, "did u not wanna die?" or judgment over how much SN I took. What happened happened, and I can't change it. People are saying that it's because I only took 7g, that's why I "didn't die". I had a cardiac arrest and was dead for 25 minutes while they worked on me. I just didn't stay dead. Or because I didn't fast and didn't take AE or benzos, that's why I lived. None of this is true. The doctors could have called my death at any time. It's not just me who gets invalidated and made to feel like shit; I see it time and time again on other survivors' posts, and it's not fair. Think before you comment

sadly, people have no idea at all sometimes. there is so much information out there that does validate everything you have said, yet some still claim your story as a forgery. the fact is, you did die that day, but fortunately were brought back to life. and yet some still think they know better than someone who lived through it

and of course, by continually questioning you, it makes you relive it time and time again. at first you seemed happy to share your story, but even the most charitable of us get sick of having to explain it time and time and time and time and time again

I live with a lot of survivor's guilt. Seeing people dying left, right, and center because of SN hurts a lot. It should have been me.

Stop giving out SN sources to people, as you don't know who is on the other side of the screen. At some point, there will be no sources left, and I cannot wait for that day.

SN has ruined my life in many ways. I wish I had never touched the stuff.

it is hard, but there should be no guilt for you. it should not have been you or you would have gone too. there is no rhyme or reason why many things happen, but you were lucky, and should not feel guilty because of it

sn may have ruined your life in some ways, but perhaps if you didn't take it, you might not have had such positive things happen in the last year, and a new will to live. i hope you keep that will for a very long and happy life

i agree that people are happy to give out the sources too easily, but if one didn't, then i would not have found the source in question. i have not passed it on, and could not ever, but i am grateful that someone gave it to me in the first place

 

[Kayla]

did it get delivered by royal mail or courier? my theory is that royal mail, australia post and others are government owned, so if they receive a package from ukraine then the government already know about it

Courier. It wasn't dsl it came from poland. And what's weird is that I actually ordered SN from there 2 times within a short space of time and they only knew about one of them not both.

and of course, by continually questioning you, it makes you relive it time and time again. at first you seemed happy to share your story, but even the most charitable of us get sick of having to explain it time and time and time and time and time again

It's just the same questions and then people can be really hurtful "why did you take it in front of the police knowing you'd be saved".


Thank you for your nice message

 

[TomIsNotMyName]

I'm so glad that you're still here and I hope that you can get through everything you're going through and stay with us for a long time
You're one of the best people I've ever met on the internet
You are the reason why I'm still alive today

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm glad you're still here. I hope things go more smoothly for you from now on, and that you find more little moments of joy.
I agree with what you said. I do think we should be more careful when asking certain questions… because we can never know in advance what they've been through.

 

[Lost Magic]

Well, I am glad you made it through all that my friend. You have been to hell and back with that attempt (even though 7grams is not the recommended dose of SN). You managed to come through the other side and you have done some amazing things. I applaud you for that! Everybody's circumstances are different on here. Some take comfort in having SN, N, a noose or whatever they have at their disposal then keep going as long as they can. Some people feel that the weight of life is too heavy, therefore, it's no longer worth the struggle. Each individual has their own struggles and circumstances. I will leave it at that. But I wish you well on your continued journey through this game called ... life! Peace

 

[thaelyana]

Congratulations. You are on the beautiful path of healing. This is the most beautiful thing that can happen on Sasu. Congratulations again

 

[Dante_]

I only ask one thing going forward after ive already deleted a few comments, please respect that the op is sharing what they survived, they do not need any rude or unnecessary remarks of any kind. Thank you...

 

[thelostautistic]

I'm glad you're still with us Kayla. Thank you for being so open with your story. I'm sorry for all the invalidation you've faced here. People really need to be more mindful and sensitive. You're a very valued member here and I hope you know that. A comment you left on one of my threads has really kept me going these last few months. Thank you for that. I'm really wishing you all the best.

 

[uklad38]

People should really think before they comment, thanks for sharing your story.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Glad you're still here. I remember seeing your post shortly after joining this site and it was pretty enlightening as to the SN method. I will say, personally, I cannot agree with your point that all SN sources should be shut down or that SN should not be considered a viable method. It is one I have access to and have considered using in case my other methods do not work, but I do appreciate and understand your perspective, you have actually gone through it whereas I can only speculate how the experience would be.

I think that people should take your story into consideration when they are pondering their own exits, because it really is helpful and they need to decide if they're willing to potentially go through all of that, I do believe your story is important. I don't think people should be dismissing it as they have attempted to do already. Each person's experience is unique and invaluable and other people trying to admonish it are being rude at best and despicable at worst. Your life sounds like it has much improved from your attempt, I imagine your cats are cute and lovable, and I hope they give you lots of cuddles.

Once again, I'm glad you're still here. Thank you for sharing your experience and being so open.

 

[TomIsNotMyName]

Update:

Kayla has asked me to update the post on her behalf.
Someone called the police on her and she has now been detained under section 136. Things will be getting worse shortly.

I will keep you updated once we have more information

 

[Aflame5926]

What the actually FUCK?

was it somebody from here????

 

[Kayla]

Someone texted a hotline who then called the police. The police said I either go to hospital or get arrested for "malicious communication". they've 136'd me and im in the suite . I have 7g of Sn in my bra that they didnt find.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Someone called the police on her and she has now been detained under section 136. Things will be getting worse shortly.

The stalking on this website is just weird and shows how fake the concern is. If I took everything correctly from her post, she has no plans at present to end her life, this concern-trolling, pretend concern, or misguided concern that ends up forcing people into hospitalization only leads to worse mental outcomes. I hope it doesn't happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if this had an adverse effect on her mental state. I'm sorry that this is happening to you Kayla and that people would be so cruel.

 

[blepblep]

Someone texted a hotline who then called the police. The police said I either go to hospital or get arrested for "malicious communication". they've 136'd me and im in the suite . I have 7g of Sn in my bra that they didnt find.

excuse me what the fuck? malicious communication? Hope you are doing fine. Especially after sharing your story.

 

[Kayla]

excuse me what the fuck? malicious communication? Hope you are doing fine. Especially after sharing your story.

Im in the 136 suite. I have sn on me that they didnt find

 

[Aflame5926]

Someone texted a hotline who then called the police. The police said I either go to hospital or get arrested for "malicious communication". they've 136'd me and im in the suite . I have 7g of Sn in my bra that they didnt find.

please for sake of god dont do it. you were exactly on recovery.

the worst that kind happen is that you have to stay a few days maybe a week.

but please think of this post that you made orginele and what you achieved.

please hold it together

F this just make me angry and sad as F.

 

[apollon]

So today is May 16th, which means it has been a whole year since I took SN. A whole year since I locked myself in the bathroom with police outside. A whole year since I scooped roughly 7g into a lemon fanta bottle and chugged it. A whole year since I had a cardiac arrest and had CPR for 25 minutes. I've had a lot of time to reflect on that day and the weeks after, and what happened. I still don't 100% know what fully happened that day, but I've found out bits and pieces and continue to discover things. For one, I got taken to the hospital by road when I originally thought they had taken me by air ambulance. The air ambulance was in attendance, and they intubated me at the scene, but they didn't take me to the hospital, which I was surprised at. I have a lot of trauma from what happened and a lot of what-if questions I will never get answers to. When I got discharged from the hospital, I reordered the SN twice. For some reason, the crisis team knew I had ordered it again, and to this day, I don't know how. They only knew about 1 order, so I just gave up a bottle of SN and kept the one they didn't know about. I wish I had never ordered it again, but I can't get rid of it.


If I had died that day, I would have missed out on so many things. Getting my 2 cats, making some great friends on here, going on adventures, getting tattoos, getting tickets to a concert, turning 21, getting my drone licence, getting a brand new pc setup, finally getting the support I deserved, and most importantly, getting my driving licence back. I remember being on that hospital bed and thinking that my life was over, that I would never get my driving licence back, and that I would never recover from the damage I did to myself, but I did, and while it wasn't easy, I pushed through, and here I am today.

On the other hand, if I did die on that day, there are things I would be happy to have missed. Losing a support worker I had for roughly 10 years out of the blue. She sent me a cold text message saying she couldn't see me anymore, and that was that. I almost took the SN over it because it hurt me that deeply. Someone on here also blackmailed me, but I will not go into that. Losing people on here, even if I only knew them for a short time, still cuts deep, and I think about them a lot. I would have been happy to have missed getting a hole cut into my throat, but in the end, it did save my life, so can I be that mad? When I finally got home after the hospital, I found out the people I thought were my "friends" were talking shit about me without even knowing if I was dead or alive. One of them had even received a goodbye note on the 16th, yet still did what they did.

Another thing I need to mention is the amount of invalidation and judgment I have received for sharing my story on here. I really don't need to be asked, "did u not wanna die?" or judgment over how much SN I took. What happened happened, and I can't change it. People are saying that it's because I only took 7g, that's why I "didn't die". I had a cardiac arrest and was dead for 25 minutes while they worked on me. I just didn't stay dead. Or because I didn't fast and didn't take AE or benzos, that's why I lived. None of this is true. The doctors could have called my death at any time. It's not just me who gets invalidated and made to feel like shit; I see it time and time again on other survivors' posts, and it's not fair. Think before you comment.

I live with a lot of survivor's guilt. Seeing people dying left, right, and center because of SN hurts a lot. It should have been me.

Stop giving out SN sources to people, as you don't know who is on the other side of the screen. At some point, there will be no sources left, and I cannot wait for that day.

SN has ruined my life in many ways. I wish I had never touched the stuff.

Lastly, I wanna thank a couple of people. @TomIsNotMyName thank you for being here for me, and I'm so thankful that I was able to help you back in Feb. @Dante_ thank you so much for helping me through tough times. I'm able to speak to you about anything, and for that I'm so grateful. Much love to you both.

I'm so glad that you are still here, and I congratulate you for going on the path of recovery, however after reading, I feel like this post would be more suitable for the Recovery forum. "Stop giving out SN sources to people, as you don't know who is on the other side of the screen. At some point, there will be no sources left, and I cannot wait for that day." Text is so hard to tell your tone from, but if you are preaching life by stating no more SN, perhaps this post would be more suited for recovery.
So glad you are still here. Also, fuck whoever got you 136'd.. You got this girl, only a week or two before you get out hopefully..

 

[Kayla]

I'm so glad that you are still here, and I congratulate you for going on the path of recovery, however after reading, I feel like this post would be more suitable for the Recovery forum. "Stop giving out SN sources to people, as you don't know who is on the other side of the screen. At some point, there will be no sources left, and I cannot wait for that day." Text is so hard to tell your tone from, but if you are preaching life by stating no more SN, perhaps this post would be more suited for recovery.
So glad you are still here. Also, fuck whoever got you 136'd.. You got this girl, only a week or two before you get out hopefully..

Im not in recovery I just needed to get it off my chest.

please for sake of god dont do it. you were exactly on recovery.

the worst that kind happen is that you have to stay a few days maybe a week.

but please think of this post that you made orginele and what you achieved.

please hold it together

F this just make me angry and sad as F.

Im just so scared man

 

[Aflame5926]

Im just so scared man

sended you private chat.

if you want to chat LMK or DM is also fine

 

[amy joyce]

So today is May 16th, which means it has been a whole year since I took SN. A whole year since I locked myself in the bathroom with police outside. A whole year since I scooped roughly 7g into a lemon fanta bottle and chugged it. A whole year since I had a cardiac arrest and had CPR for 25 minutes. I've had a lot of time to reflect on that day and the weeks after, and what happened. I still don't 100% know what fully happened that day, but I've found out bits and pieces and continue to discover things. For one, I got taken to the hospital by road when I originally thought they had taken me by air ambulance. The air ambulance was in attendance, and they intubated me at the scene, but they didn't take me to the hospital, which I was surprised at. I have a lot of trauma from what happened and a lot of what-if questions I will never get answers to. When I got discharged from the hospital, I reordered the SN twice. For some reason, the crisis team knew I had ordered it again, and to this day, I don't know how. They only knew about 1 order, so I just gave up a bottle of SN and kept the one they didn't know about. I wish I had never ordered it again, but I can't get rid of it.


If I had died that day, I would have missed out on so many things. Getting my 2 cats, making some great friends on here, going on adventures, getting tattoos, getting tickets to a concert, turning 21, getting my drone licence, getting a brand new pc setup, finally getting the support I deserved, and most importantly, getting my driving licence back. I remember being on that hospital bed and thinking that my life was over, that I would never get my driving licence back, and that I would never recover from the damage I did to myself, but I did, and while it wasn't easy, I pushed through, and here I am today.

On the other hand, if I did die on that day, there are things I would be happy to have missed. Losing a support worker I had for roughly 10 years out of the blue. She sent me a cold text message saying she couldn't see me anymore, and that was that. I almost took the SN over it because it hurt me that deeply. Someone on here also blackmailed me, but I will not go into that. Losing people on here, even if I only knew them for a short time, still cuts deep, and I think about them a lot. I would have been happy to have missed getting a hole cut into my throat, but in the end, it did save my life, so can I be that mad? When I finally got home after the hospital, I found out the people I thought were my "friends" were talking shit about me without even knowing if I was dead or alive. One of them had even received a goodbye note on the 16th, yet still did what they did.

Another thing I need to mention is the amount of invalidation and judgment I have received for sharing my story on here. I really don't need to be asked, "did u not wanna die?" or judgment over how much SN I took. What happened happened, and I can't change it. People are saying that it's because I only took 7g, that's why I "didn't die". I had a cardiac arrest and was dead for 25 minutes while they worked on me. I just didn't stay dead. Or because I didn't fast and didn't take AE or benzos, that's why I lived. None of this is true. The doctors could have called my death at any time. It's not just me who gets invalidated and made to feel like shit; I see it time and time again on other survivors' posts, and it's not fair. Think before you comment.

I live with a lot of survivor's guilt. Seeing people dying left, right, and center because of SN hurts a lot. It should have been me.

Stop giving out SN sources to people, as you don't know who is on the other side of the screen. At some point, there will be no sources left, and I cannot wait for that day.

SN has ruined my life in many ways. I wish I had never touched the stuff.

Lastly, I wanna thank a couple of people. @TomIsNotMyName thank you for being here for me, and I'm so thankful that I was able to help you back in Feb. @Dante_ thank you so much for helping me through tough times. I'm able to speak to you about anything, and for that I'm so grateful. Much love to you both.

I've never met you but can say I'm grateful to read this message. It gives me insight about a person who actually went through with it (what is SN?), regardless of how much you took I think it seemed to be very serious. Your experience can be for others something they never have to go through in order to realize what it could be like for them. If you hadn't survived we would never got to know all of your regrets or things you now realize would have been missed. That could give people help.

I'm on the fence but currently leaning toward continuing to work on bettering my life to make it more than just survival.

 

[Kayla]

I've never met you but can say I'm grateful to read this message. It gives me insight about a person who actually went through with it (what is SN?), regardless of how much you took I think it seemed to be very serious. Your experience can be for others something they never have to go through in order to realize what it could be like for them. If you hadn't survived we would never got to know all of your regrets or things you now realize would have been missed. That could give people help.

I'm on the fence but currently leaning toward continuing to work on bettering my life to make it more than just survival.

I think you should always try to better your life. better to try then to not

 

[name2come]

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry someone is putting you through that. Its disheartening to know we have people lurking here who are both so callous and obsessive. Hard to know what is motivating them, but nothing good.

As someone considering SN, your report of your own experience has been an important reminder of the gravity of this method. I think some fall into a temptation to treat it unseriously for a variety of reasons, but this is a grave thing to be considering with lethal consequences. The idea of someone harassing you because your attempt was not methodically planned is absurd. Do we not realize that for many CTB can be impulsive in a moment of crisis? Do we like the empathy to understand that?

I hope you find what you need and want in life and I hope you get through this episode. You deserve better than this.

 

[geepeedee]

sorry to hear about your current situation op. hopefully it clears up soon. hang in there, you have lots to live for!

 

[Sparkly rainbow]

Congratulations on breaking free from the chains of suicide ideation. I hope your journey to recovery will improve

 

[amy joyce]

Please, what exact is "SN"?

I have been having a bit of trouble with the acronyms. It took me days to figure out what "ctb" meant.

 

[geepeedee]

Please, what exact is "SN"?

I have been having a bit of trouble with the acronyms. It took me days to figure out what "ctb" meant.

sodium nitrite.