D
DOHARDTHINGS24
Student
- Apr 30, 2024
- 104
Deciding what to do about writing a note or last messages….
On here, I write long rambling messages.
And I'm very sorry.
I'm definitely not gonna do that.
I'll have an advanced care directive filled in with me (but not legally filed because you need signatures of the person you appoint & if I do that, it's a giant red flag that I'm planning to die).
So that'll cover DNR, cremation, what I want to wear, but also that as an atheist, they can't really fuck it up in any way because I'll be dead & that if it makes them happier, do whatever the fuck they want except stopping me from dying.
And to say, that although I've suffered depression in the past, & will surely again in the future if I live, that I am not currently depressed in any way & that it is a rational decision - this part is to get my 2 docs off the hook for not picking up this was coming, I worry about them having consequences.
I wrote an angry rambling one to my husband so he'd know how much he was responsible for but then didn't want to go ahead with that. I think I just needed to spew it out of my system, that me knowing the reasons is enough.
I'm thinking of "maybe" just printing out a quote & that'll do it. I've got one or 2 in mind, just single sentences.
Or nothing at all.
I feel a lot of compassion for my docs & some other people in my life but I also have a burning rage in my gut, fuelled & refuelled over time & I've been thinking about this a lot - I know I can happily leave no note, I know I can resist sending rants or making my husband feel guilty, I can rise above over & over & over because I have over & over & over. It's who I am & also who I've been trained to be by abuse.
But what if??? What if I just sent one person a message about how I really feel - I've already written it, it's concise.
Every time I think how it would impact them, I just think they're a narcissist & never wrong so it won't affect them. I really really want to do it. I try to change my mind but it's just unshakable.
Every time I think " would you regret sending this?" the answer comes back that I'd regret NOT sending it.
I assure you it's a concise message - I hand wrote it, it only took 2 drafts, it says what needs to be said
Anyone got any thoughts on this??
Am I allowed to do one selfish thing in death? Something I can't really do in life??
On here, I write long rambling messages.
And I'm very sorry.
I'm definitely not gonna do that.
I'll have an advanced care directive filled in with me (but not legally filed because you need signatures of the person you appoint & if I do that, it's a giant red flag that I'm planning to die).
So that'll cover DNR, cremation, what I want to wear, but also that as an atheist, they can't really fuck it up in any way because I'll be dead & that if it makes them happier, do whatever the fuck they want except stopping me from dying.
And to say, that although I've suffered depression in the past, & will surely again in the future if I live, that I am not currently depressed in any way & that it is a rational decision - this part is to get my 2 docs off the hook for not picking up this was coming, I worry about them having consequences.
I wrote an angry rambling one to my husband so he'd know how much he was responsible for but then didn't want to go ahead with that. I think I just needed to spew it out of my system, that me knowing the reasons is enough.
I'm thinking of "maybe" just printing out a quote & that'll do it. I've got one or 2 in mind, just single sentences.
Or nothing at all.
I feel a lot of compassion for my docs & some other people in my life but I also have a burning rage in my gut, fuelled & refuelled over time & I've been thinking about this a lot - I know I can happily leave no note, I know I can resist sending rants or making my husband feel guilty, I can rise above over & over & over because I have over & over & over. It's who I am & also who I've been trained to be by abuse.
But what if??? What if I just sent one person a message about how I really feel - I've already written it, it's concise.
Every time I think how it would impact them, I just think they're a narcissist & never wrong so it won't affect them. I really really want to do it. I try to change my mind but it's just unshakable.
Every time I think " would you regret sending this?" the answer comes back that I'd regret NOT sending it.
I assure you it's a concise message - I hand wrote it, it only took 2 drafts, it says what needs to be said
Anyone got any thoughts on this??
Am I allowed to do one selfish thing in death? Something I can't really do in life??