Suicide is not cowardly. I tried so hard to improve my life but I am done fighting

[FireFox]

When I ctb at 30 years old at least I can say I tried so hard to improve my life. All I ever wanted was to be happy, in a career, relationship with a man who loved me and doing something meaningful with my life. I really tried so fucking hard to make things work out for the best but over and over again things keep going wrong so much has gone wrong this year. This is the worst fucking year ever.

Life is not for me I realise now. All my life I have struggled to fit in. My sheltered religious upbringing has disadvantaged me I hate my mother so muh for sheltering me because I don't know how to be a successful functional adult and cant navigate the world. My family think there is nothing wrong with me because I am a law graduate, not pregnant out of wed lock so young like other women in the family, not in rehab like other family members. I am seen as the model well behaved daughter. My family think I turned out fine and believe sheltered upbringing is good all because of they hard lives. I am 25 but mentally feel younger because of the sheltered upbringing and too different from my peers my age. I don't belong here in this world.

Suicidal people never wanted their loved ones to suffer and be left behind. All we want is the pain, the mental torment to stop. Right now I feel like I am drowning and struggling to stay above surface level. I feel like huge tidal wave is coming and I have no where to run too. I feel so alone with not a single friend in the world.

There is nothing that can give me relief for all this pain, anxiety and overwhelming hopeless except death.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I relate so much to this. I, too, was raised in a super religious home. I was sheltered as well. I was also abused and molested, though. So, I never learned how to 'human' properly. I guess that's why I was such an outcast my whole life. I always wanted to be liked. I pictured myself getting married to the 'right woman'. I wanted to be accepted into a community and be a part of it. I just wanted to feel like life meant something and that there was an actual purpose to serve in it.

at least I can say I tried so hard to improve my life.

A year ago, I had planned on CTB. However, I decided to hold off on it because a friend convinced me to at least not leave this world without finding my 'best self'. That motivated me to strive, one last time, to become a better version of myself. However, within my spirit, I posed the question to myself... "Then what?" What is the point of trying to become my best self, if there's no purpose for that best self to serve? What is this 'best' me going to do? Who's going to care? Why go through the pain and suffering just to become a somewhat more acceptable version of myself that's safe for consumption by other humans? Why set myself up one more time, only for life to come along and knock me back down? Because... you know... 'we're in school, and life wants to humble us'. The more reasons I sought to go on, the more the pointlessness of life was emphasized to me.

In short, I somewhat understand where you are. I'm moving forward with my decision. I wish you clarity and peace, in whatever you decide.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it's true that life is not for everyone and there really does seem to be no peace from suffering in this cruel world. It does sound tiring what you've had to endure and of course it's very much understandable wishing to be free from all the pain that existing brings.