I hope to share something more positive today. Maybe it is induced by manic symptoms but I don't know. It is also related to my life.
Personally I don't really want to commit suicide. I try to avoid that. I cannot imagine that I will succeed eventually but I improved on different levels. My life quality increased. And one reason for that was making small progress over a long time. Often only small steps but they accmulated. I analyzed my problems together with different therapists and developed plans. Areas where I could improve and find strategies to increase the likelihood of success. I think there was luck needed. However I really tried it over and over again. I failed quite often but I have not given up. So far I got rewarded for that.
I think one reason for that was I managed to make it from one day to the next. Just trying to survive and being fine of being a human being with weaknesses.
Especially when I am under major pressure and stress just making it through the day is the best I can do. I have extremely high expectation of myself. But I try to allow myself flaws and mistakes. It is very difficult for me - but my health is more important than my extreme restrictive superego.
I cannot imagine I can avoid suicide forever. But for now I tell me "you can still commit suicide in the future - the decision is not running away". The notion of being able to commit suicide is relieving because I am extremely scared about the future due to the fact how agonizing the past was. However I try to continue being productive. I still have suicidal thoughts daily but I try to avoid becoming acute suicidal. In some situation the thoughts are strong and the thoughts are inevitable. But currently or since months I am not planning to do it in the near future. It is rather an option in case my abuse and nightmare is haunting me once again. I can relate to the Lil Peep song Yesterday. Here is a quote. "Run away from the pain, yesterday is not today"
I am pretty scared to make a mistake and ruin all the progress. But even for that I try to tell me maybe I am just not in full control of the development and many things only develop by chance. I would not say everything is random. There were some critical points. Some of them where it could have went into a different direction. Personally I am scared about fatalism and determinism because of the potential of a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is why I even try things I don't evaluate as very promising. But life surprised me that I am able to attend college without an immediate relapse. I take that thankfully.
I think it is hard to determine my current progress. How much of it is substantial and whether it is real decisive change. I think only time can tell. I have this feeling about many periods in my life. I could only fully evaluate them retrospectively. There were some differences though. I was in manic or major-depressive episodes which influenced my thinking patterns a lot. I try to be self-conscious and I tend to over-analyzing. I try to get feedback of different people and how I am perceived by them. I don't have any weekly appointments anymore with my therapist so the responsibility lies on me. I still have monthly appointments with my support network but I have the feelings it is rather random in which mood I am at these day so the feedback is less reliable.
I am interested in critical junctures in my life. I try to detect them in my past. I am only layman but maybe i should read more on psychoanalysis. I think I already found some junctures in my life. For example this severe bullying event which caused my first paranoia and soon afterwards my first mixed-manic episode started. I spoke with many therapists and many gave me compliments for being so reflective. Sadly I don't rate my chances very high that I will be able to run away from my past forever - but so far I am postponing it successfully.
I ask myself how my life would have looked like if I jumped of that 7th floor building some years ago. My biggest concern would have been the damage. I read many horror stories on suicide attempts that caused longterm damage. Personally I am not that scared about pain (if it is shortterm). Though I did not know suicide attempts can cause PTSD. Knowing that is pretty scary for me. I don't want to scare anyone but I think it is not really new information to anyone here who reads it anyway.
I am not sure whether my attempts to recover will pay out also in longterm perspective. Or whether this is only a short moment of less pain which delays my full torturous demise. I am scared about naive hope. As most people I don't want to be a naive dreamer. But if that little hope keeps me going and enhances my current life quality why should I deny me that glimpse of hope.
So this is my mood for today.
Personally I don't really want to commit suicide. I try to avoid that. I cannot imagine that I will succeed eventually but I improved on different levels. My life quality increased. And one reason for that was making small progress over a long time. Often only small steps but they accmulated. I analyzed my problems together with different therapists and developed plans. Areas where I could improve and find strategies to increase the likelihood of success. I think there was luck needed. However I really tried it over and over again. I failed quite often but I have not given up. So far I got rewarded for that.
I think one reason for that was I managed to make it from one day to the next. Just trying to survive and being fine of being a human being with weaknesses.
Especially when I am under major pressure and stress just making it through the day is the best I can do. I have extremely high expectation of myself. But I try to allow myself flaws and mistakes. It is very difficult for me - but my health is more important than my extreme restrictive superego.
I cannot imagine I can avoid suicide forever. But for now I tell me "you can still commit suicide in the future - the decision is not running away". The notion of being able to commit suicide is relieving because I am extremely scared about the future due to the fact how agonizing the past was. However I try to continue being productive. I still have suicidal thoughts daily but I try to avoid becoming acute suicidal. In some situation the thoughts are strong and the thoughts are inevitable. But currently or since months I am not planning to do it in the near future. It is rather an option in case my abuse and nightmare is haunting me once again. I can relate to the Lil Peep song Yesterday. Here is a quote. "Run away from the pain, yesterday is not today"
I am pretty scared to make a mistake and ruin all the progress. But even for that I try to tell me maybe I am just not in full control of the development and many things only develop by chance. I would not say everything is random. There were some critical points. Some of them where it could have went into a different direction. Personally I am scared about fatalism and determinism because of the potential of a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is why I even try things I don't evaluate as very promising. But life surprised me that I am able to attend college without an immediate relapse. I take that thankfully.
I think it is hard to determine my current progress. How much of it is substantial and whether it is real decisive change. I think only time can tell. I have this feeling about many periods in my life. I could only fully evaluate them retrospectively. There were some differences though. I was in manic or major-depressive episodes which influenced my thinking patterns a lot. I try to be self-conscious and I tend to over-analyzing. I try to get feedback of different people and how I am perceived by them. I don't have any weekly appointments anymore with my therapist so the responsibility lies on me. I still have monthly appointments with my support network but I have the feelings it is rather random in which mood I am at these day so the feedback is less reliable.
I am interested in critical junctures in my life. I try to detect them in my past. I am only layman but maybe i should read more on psychoanalysis. I think I already found some junctures in my life. For example this severe bullying event which caused my first paranoia and soon afterwards my first mixed-manic episode started. I spoke with many therapists and many gave me compliments for being so reflective. Sadly I don't rate my chances very high that I will be able to run away from my past forever - but so far I am postponing it successfully.
I ask myself how my life would have looked like if I jumped of that 7th floor building some years ago. My biggest concern would have been the damage. I read many horror stories on suicide attempts that caused longterm damage. Personally I am not that scared about pain (if it is shortterm). Though I did not know suicide attempts can cause PTSD. Knowing that is pretty scary for me. I don't want to scare anyone but I think it is not really new information to anyone here who reads it anyway.
I am not sure whether my attempts to recover will pay out also in longterm perspective. Or whether this is only a short moment of less pain which delays my full torturous demise. I am scared about naive hope. As most people I don't want to be a naive dreamer. But if that little hope keeps me going and enhances my current life quality why should I deny me that glimpse of hope.
So this is my mood for today.
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