Suicide ideation is keeping me alive

[Pryras]

It's ironic but true. At this point whenever I experience trauma, I immediately dissociate and think of suicide as my escape. So far it's kept me alive much longer than I expected. Knowing I can end it all helps me cope with my reality. I don't even cry anymore. I feel safe? In a way knowing I can always escape in my mind to suicidal thoughts.

Of course it's not healthy and I'd rather practice staying present and positive but that's easier said than done. I don't know if I want to get better. Suicide is in my cards and will be the way I go but I can't help but find it ironic the ideation of it keeps me going most days

 

[L'absent]

It's normal. All humanity lives like this and fights suffering in this way. It is the idea of suicide that makes us survive. There are people who think they are suicidal and are not. We put up with everything in life, because we know that sooner or later we can take it away from us. So, suicide as a last chance. The intimate and extreme possibility of ending it helps us to endure the absurdities of life. The constant thought of suicide and not the realization of it.

 

[J&L383]

"suicide as my escape":

I feel the same way. Knowing that I do have control, if things get too bad, gives me comfort.

I try to set it aside, and live in the moment, but as you said, it's not easy. Just do your best with what life has given you.

 

[AnderDethsky]

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night."
- Nietzsche (Beyond good and evil)