Venting Suicide Discussion makes me feel good and Recovery makes me depressed

[Rymrgand]

I have noticed that this subforum, Suicide Discussion, helps me to be positive and gives me hope because it makes me feel like my problems have a solution I would be able to choose whenever I think life is too much for me. Suicide helps me to keep living, ironically.

However, the Recovery subforum makes me feel bad because it makes me remember that I'm broken and that recovery is extremely unlikely. I don't have the strength or resources to recover. CTB is not easy, but at least it's something I think I would be able to do.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

That's because one is certain, and the other is most certainly not.

 

[milkteacrown]

Yes! You understand. There's a comfort inherent to feeling as though you have full control of a situation, even if that results in death.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's a strange phenomena in a way. You'd think it would be the reverse but, I feel that way too. I do sometimes stray into recovery but I often feel like I don't belong there. That I know I'm lying to myself almost when I'm there. I think really though- it's that feeling of exhaustion. That recovery means opposing all the 'natural' or at least, learned ways my brain wants to think in.

And ultimately, very possibly all for nothing. Recovery also contains members putting up one hell of a fight but still slipping into ideation. I feel almost positive that's what would happen to me also because- I don't truly believe in it or even want it- for me.

 

[Crematoryy]

Being captive in your suffering without getting out of it – or having to pay an exorbitant price to get out of it – is a terrible thing. Perhaps it is better to believe this illusion.

 

[depthss]

thinking about suicide is one of the few things that really makes me happy, i feel so excited to die. the idea of living decades and decades more makes me so miserable

 

[danzk2005]

It's because you realize that you're not alone in this fight, and you realize that it's not abnormal to think about suicide.

I have noticed that this subforum, Suicide Discussion, helps me to be positive and gives me hope because it makes me feel like my problems have a solution I would be able to choose whenever I think life is too much for me. Suicide helps me to keep living, ironically.

However, the Recovery subforum makes me feel bad because it makes me remember that I'm broken and that recovery is extremely unlikely. I don't have the strength or resources to recover. CTB is not easy, but at least it's something I think I would be able to do.