Suicide is never the answer. Some people believe suicide is immoral or selfish; some think it's impossible to fully understand the consequences and still seriously consider it—write it off as childish or impulsive or just a symptom of insanity. This way they never have to change anything: if it's never okay then it's always our fault for choosing it—it's our problem for seeing it as an option.
"Diane: You know sometimes I feel like our marriage is like a magic eye poster.
Mr. Peanutbutter: I love those things
Diane: I know. And it's messy. And at first glance, it doesn't seem to make any sense. And it's hard to figure out. But sometimes if you squint at it just right everything lines up and it's the most perfect...beautiful amazing thing.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah. I know what you mean
Diane: But...I'm so tired of squinting."
-Season 4 Episode 12 of Bojack Horseman
For me suicide has never been a matter of philosophy, nihilism, meaning or what my future looks like. I've enjoyed so much of my life and I have no doubt that there is a potential for me to have a great future. I grew up Mormon and I'm trans and autistic. No one ever gave me a framework for understanding my queerness or neurodivergence so I grew up feeling god awful stimming and feeling super dysphoric all the time and not even knowing what was wrong with me until I was like 18. Most of my peers caught on pretty easy tho and sexually assaulted and harassed me on multiple occasions and I thought it was all totally normal and fine. I started seriously considering suicide when I was 15 and when I was 18 I intentionally drove like a maniac hoping I would get in a wreck and die—which I did total my car but didn't even scratch myself somehow despite getting hit on the driver's side. I left home and started transitioning that same year and started feeling way better about myself. For me suicide has been a journey—at every step somehow I'd always dig something out of myself and keep finding joy and keep going in spite of everything, One must see Sisyphus happy—but Sisyphus is just a phantasm we use to convince ourselves of something: real human beings can only take so much and all my trauma and self harm has finally caught up with me,
When I die I don't want everyone to think I was just so miserable and desperate, Trans and queer suicide rates are super high especially in the church and so of course they've put together some pretty fucked up narritives about it: we're using suicide as a threat or it's evidence of the depravity of our lifestyle or insanity—in the same breath that they kill us they pathologize it. To them our suffering and death is just the cost of doing business and I worry that's how everyone will treat my death. My mom already told me I'm basically dead because she believes hrt has super high cancer rates which is just pseudoscience used to deny us healthcare, The current prophet of the church was president of BYU when they were doing conversion therapy including electroshock therapy—guy's literally personally culpable for genocide and my parents treat his word as the word of God. Kinduva bleak note to end on but I mean I guess we'll just keep dying and everyone will just keep on seeing that as necessary or normal at the very least. I mean I've really come to love my body after almost two years of hormones despite being addicted to cutting really bad for most of that time. I like indie music and trans lit and I'm glad I was alive to experience a lot of the things I have but I've just run out of the keep going juice. I'm not so completely miserable it's just that suicide barely even feels like suicide at this point—I'm barely eating my sh has been getting worse and worse and I quit my job and I barely even leave my bed anymore. I feel more like I'm dying of a terminal illness or something and there's nothing to do at this point but make peace with it—which I have, I've had a real long time for that now and although it was an actual pain in the butt I managed to get SN for my method. Kinda funny how restricted it is these days considering over half of suicides in the US are with easily accessible firearms—I'd hardly call that prevention so much as just encouraging you to use the violent, impulsive and potentially dangerous method.
"Diane: You know sometimes I feel like our marriage is like a magic eye poster.
Mr. Peanutbutter: I love those things
Diane: I know. And it's messy. And at first glance, it doesn't seem to make any sense. And it's hard to figure out. But sometimes if you squint at it just right everything lines up and it's the most perfect...beautiful amazing thing.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah. I know what you mean
Diane: But...I'm so tired of squinting."
-Season 4 Episode 12 of Bojack Horseman
For me suicide has never been a matter of philosophy, nihilism, meaning or what my future looks like. I've enjoyed so much of my life and I have no doubt that there is a potential for me to have a great future. I grew up Mormon and I'm trans and autistic. No one ever gave me a framework for understanding my queerness or neurodivergence so I grew up feeling god awful stimming and feeling super dysphoric all the time and not even knowing what was wrong with me until I was like 18. Most of my peers caught on pretty easy tho and sexually assaulted and harassed me on multiple occasions and I thought it was all totally normal and fine. I started seriously considering suicide when I was 15 and when I was 18 I intentionally drove like a maniac hoping I would get in a wreck and die—which I did total my car but didn't even scratch myself somehow despite getting hit on the driver's side. I left home and started transitioning that same year and started feeling way better about myself. For me suicide has been a journey—at every step somehow I'd always dig something out of myself and keep finding joy and keep going in spite of everything, One must see Sisyphus happy—but Sisyphus is just a phantasm we use to convince ourselves of something: real human beings can only take so much and all my trauma and self harm has finally caught up with me,
When I die I don't want everyone to think I was just so miserable and desperate, Trans and queer suicide rates are super high especially in the church and so of course they've put together some pretty fucked up narritives about it: we're using suicide as a threat or it's evidence of the depravity of our lifestyle or insanity—in the same breath that they kill us they pathologize it. To them our suffering and death is just the cost of doing business and I worry that's how everyone will treat my death. My mom already told me I'm basically dead because she believes hrt has super high cancer rates which is just pseudoscience used to deny us healthcare, The current prophet of the church was president of BYU when they were doing conversion therapy including electroshock therapy—guy's literally personally culpable for genocide and my parents treat his word as the word of God. Kinduva bleak note to end on but I mean I guess we'll just keep dying and everyone will just keep on seeing that as necessary or normal at the very least. I mean I've really come to love my body after almost two years of hormones despite being addicted to cutting really bad for most of that time. I like indie music and trans lit and I'm glad I was alive to experience a lot of the things I have but I've just run out of the keep going juice. I'm not so completely miserable it's just that suicide barely even feels like suicide at this point—I'm barely eating my sh has been getting worse and worse and I quit my job and I barely even leave my bed anymore. I feel more like I'm dying of a terminal illness or something and there's nothing to do at this point but make peace with it—which I have, I've had a real long time for that now and although it was an actual pain in the butt I managed to get SN for my method. Kinda funny how restricted it is these days considering over half of suicides in the US are with easily accessible firearms—I'd hardly call that prevention so much as just encouraging you to use the violent, impulsive and potentially dangerous method.
