Partial-Elf
Eternal Oblivion
- Dec 26, 2018
- 461
Has anyone else felt like being suicidal opened up new values and ways of thinking for them? Like it broke down rigid old mental barriers and patterns? My recent suicidality has been fairly rational and detached and has led me to contemplate the "life script" I had always taken for granted and has led to the following breakthroughs:
How did my suicidality lead to these breakthroughs exactly? On the most literal and obvious level, some users and threads on this website have been very influential for me to read–particularly with regards to not having children. Thanks @Smilla! I would not have made this breakthrough had I not come to this site and spoken with you.
On a somewhat grander scale, suicide is a choice that subverts the life script in a big and dramatic way–and I think that considering it has given me the mental freedom and courage to question and subvert other parts of the narrative.
What's more, I think that contemplating suicide has given me enough space between "me" and my life to view things more accurately and objectively. I know the lay of the land much better now and will be much more informed in the choices I make.
Choosing between life and death has also forced me to consider what changes I need to make in order to have what I would consider to be a life worth living. Although I still think about suicide frequently, I now have a path forward, For this I am grateful.
If anyone out there can relate, I'd love to hear about it.
- I don't have to have children. This has to be the biggest and furthest reaching breakthrough I've had during this period by far. Until a week or two ago, reproducing has always been a given and I couldn't conceive of (pun intended) other ways to have a fulfilling life. Now I have a much different view and know that I could channel my time and energy into a range of things that I feel passionately about (politics, education, advocacy and nonprofit work, traveling, my romantic relationship). I feel a massive sense of relief and renewed interest in life now that I have lifted this expectation off of my own shoulders
- I can date someone that is much older than me or doesn't want kids. I'm now aware that I was semi-consciously using the "would this person be a good and healthy mother/ is she interested in having kids/ would our genes combine well?" filter very heavily while dating. In the past I passed up a few amazing partners because they were well older than me or didn't want kinds... Now that I've dropped that filter I found a person I feel strongly about almost immediately
- I shouldn't let others dictate how I express myself physically. For years I wanted to get pierced and tattooed but held off because I knew my somewhat conservative family wouldn't approve. I'm currently doing background research on different tattoo styles and planning to schedule a consultation within the next month or two once I can properly articulate what it is that I want
- I can move out of this part of the country to one that more closely aligns with my values and interests. For so many years I rigidly held on to living within easy driving distance of my parents and other family, even though it's meant living under governance that is actively hostile towards my values and profession. It also has meant living in a culture that makes me feel like an odd and lonely duck when there are plenty of places that my sensibilities would be respected and valued. It pains me to think that I actively ended relationships and passed up movement opportunities because I was so rigid in my desire to stay in this area... and for what?
- I don't actually have that strong of a relationship with my immediate or extended family, and that's okay. Family was a big thing that prevented me from CTB at first, so I started really paying attention to those familial relationships. What I realized is that I was valuing family much higher than I should've been given how it actually manifested itself in my life (mostly as stress, and with far fewer moments of genuine human connection than I experience in other settings). What positives I do feel from family do not come close to justifying how much influence I was giving them over my thoughts and actions. If you look at all of the previous points I made in this thread, they were basically ALL limitations and expectations that I internalized from my family. Although they were likely placed on me with loving intentions, they were contorting me into someone I could not comfortably be and–ironically–I suspect a major force pushing me to ctb
- I have a range of job options that is much wider than what I previously understood. Going to college can put you in a box if you let it, but in the years since graduation I've been involved in a range of activities which have given me the opportunity to see how easily I could fit into a different line of work if I so choose. I actually enjoy my job quite a bit and have no intention of leaving it unless I move out of this state, but this knowledge is freeing for me nonetheless and opens up a much greater range of possible futures. I also feel that this realization–that I'm not absolutely bound to my job in the way I previously thought–has actually made me enjoy my job that much more
How did my suicidality lead to these breakthroughs exactly? On the most literal and obvious level, some users and threads on this website have been very influential for me to read–particularly with regards to not having children. Thanks @Smilla! I would not have made this breakthrough had I not come to this site and spoken with you.
On a somewhat grander scale, suicide is a choice that subverts the life script in a big and dramatic way–and I think that considering it has given me the mental freedom and courage to question and subvert other parts of the narrative.
What's more, I think that contemplating suicide has given me enough space between "me" and my life to view things more accurately and objectively. I know the lay of the land much better now and will be much more informed in the choices I make.
Choosing between life and death has also forced me to consider what changes I need to make in order to have what I would consider to be a life worth living. Although I still think about suicide frequently, I now have a path forward, For this I am grateful.
If anyone out there can relate, I'd love to hear about it.
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