Suicidality Creating Space for New Ways of Living and Thinking

[Partial-Elf]

Has anyone else felt like being suicidal opened up new values and ways of thinking for them? Like it broke down rigid old mental barriers and patterns? My recent suicidality has been fairly rational and detached and has led me to contemplate the "life script" I had always taken for granted and has led to the following breakthroughs:

• I don't have to have children. This has to be the biggest and furthest reaching breakthrough I've had during this period by far. Until a week or two ago, reproducing has always been a given and I couldn't conceive of (pun intended) other ways to have a fulfilling life. Now I have a much different view and know that I could channel my time and energy into a range of things that I feel passionately about (politics, education, advocacy and nonprofit work, traveling, my romantic relationship). I feel a massive sense of relief and renewed interest in life now that I have lifted this expectation off of my own shoulders
• I can date someone that is much older than me or doesn't want kids. I'm now aware that I was semi-consciously using the "would this person be a good and healthy mother/ is she interested in having kids/ would our genes combine well?" filter very heavily while dating. In the past I passed up a few amazing partners because they were well older than me or didn't want kinds... Now that I've dropped that filter I found a person I feel strongly about almost immediately
• I shouldn't let others dictate how I express myself physically. For years I wanted to get pierced and tattooed but held off because I knew my somewhat conservative family wouldn't approve. I'm currently doing background research on different tattoo styles and planning to schedule a consultation within the next month or two once I can properly articulate what it is that I want
• I can move out of this part of the country to one that more closely aligns with my values and interests. For so many years I rigidly held on to living within easy driving distance of my parents and other family, even though it's meant living under governance that is actively hostile towards my values and profession. It also has meant living in a culture that makes me feel like an odd and lonely duck when there are plenty of places that my sensibilities would be respected and valued. It pains me to think that I actively ended relationships and passed up movement opportunities because I was so rigid in my desire to stay in this area... and for what?
• I don't actually have that strong of a relationship with my immediate or extended family, and that's okay. Family was a big thing that prevented me from CTB at first, so I started really paying attention to those familial relationships. What I realized is that I was valuing family much higher than I should've been given how it actually manifested itself in my life (mostly as stress, and with far fewer moments of genuine human connection than I experience in other settings). What positives I do feel from family do not come close to justifying how much influence I was giving them over my thoughts and actions. If you look at all of the previous points I made in this thread, they were basically ALL limitations and expectations that I internalized from my family. Although they were likely placed on me with loving intentions, they were contorting me into someone I could not comfortably be and–ironically–I suspect a major force pushing me to ctb
• I have a range of job options that is much wider than what I previously understood. Going to college can put you in a box if you let it, but in the years since graduation I've been involved in a range of activities which have given me the opportunity to see how easily I could fit into a different line of work if I so choose. I actually enjoy my job quite a bit and have no intention of leaving it unless I move out of this state, but this knowledge is freeing for me nonetheless and opens up a much greater range of possible futures. I also feel that this realization–that I'm not absolutely bound to my job in the way I previously thought–has actually made me enjoy my job that much more

I'm pleased to report that having made these breakthroughs, I can visualize and work towards a life which I would actually be excited about living. For years I lamented the fact that I never felt excited about anything–not graduating from school or getting a new job or starting a new relationship. And now I think I know why that was the case–because I was living under the tyranny of a standardized life script that did not fit.

How did my suicidality lead to these breakthroughs exactly? On the most literal and obvious level, some users and threads on this website have been very influential for me to read–particularly with regards to not having children. Thanks @Smilla! I would not have made this breakthrough had I not come to this site and spoken with you.

On a somewhat grander scale, suicide is a choice that subverts the life script in a big and dramatic way–and I think that considering it has given me the mental freedom and courage to question and subvert other parts of the narrative.

What's more, I think that contemplating suicide has given me enough space between "me" and my life to view things more accurately and objectively. I know the lay of the land much better now and will be much more informed in the choices I make.

Choosing between life and death has also forced me to consider what changes I need to make in order to have what I would consider to be a life worth living. Although I still think about suicide frequently, I now have a path forward, For this I am grateful.

If anyone out there can relate, I'd love to hear about it.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

Good luck in your recovery. Sadly, I have come to that realization myself but don't have enough energy to execute anything. I know what I can do to change my situation but I have just burned out so much that I just can't do it. It's easier to die at the moment which is why I am trying my best to do that. Honestly, depression + anxiety is a killer combo along with probably ADHD. That and combination of other trauma + environment makes me so damn tired to do anything.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

And lack of empathy. Sometimes I wonder if that is genetic or due to my past environment. I just don't care about anyone. Not killing yourself because of hurting family/friends is such an oblivion thing to me. That said, I have become a person who doesn't see myself or any other person more than a cog in the system.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

I don't think it changed my views much except one thing. It's not very easy to kill yourself as my little self used to think. Actually, damn in the past I thought it would be as easy as getting a rope and just hanging or cutting your viens until the blood ran out. I never thought that this thing called survival instinct was such blasphemous and cruel. Another thing I can think of is how I saw suicidal people who jumped from height or into running trains. I used to think they were dumb because it must have been very painful and they also caused a ruckus. Why would they want their names out there for others to judge their family? Is what I thought, I guess. Now I understand why people do that and it's kind of sad. I also got to understand depression, I believe. I might have been one of those pro-lifer guy who would tell others to seek help when they told me they just lost interest in everything and are unable to find any motivation. That was such crude thinking. I want to slap my past me for that since he always had some motivation to do something than sit back doing nothing. He thought why people can't do something new or read. There are so many godamn things to do. If you want to die, at least choose something reliable and hold on but here I am, trying unreliable things. The irony, I guess.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

A glib nut shell understanding of mine is , when you can leave , you aren't in a prison any more .

Plenty of people are imprisoned by the survival instinct.

Perhaps we need to be liberated by a thrival narrative of our own making . ( as I understand @Partial-Elf is alluding to ? )

With the understanding that life is temporary , ultimately an experience rather than a function .

I have been imprisoned by toxic narratives .

My self aspect is loaded with negative scripts .

"It's amazing that you are still alive really " my teenage crush told me twenty or so years later .... as in ; self destructive depression process. Yech.

A lot of the ' I can't deal with this' aspect of my suicidal ideation is directly from those old maps.

Mild trauma minus resilience plus addiction = hopelessness.

My suicidal ideation now rests on medium / long term , with allowances for short term if SHTF ...

I am sickened by the puppet nature of my acting out for affirmation from people who I now regard kept me in social orbit out of a sense of obligation / toxic love ( sibling rivalry / parental bitterness ).

It is tricky to know where to go from here ...

Humanity ( as a collective ) has zero redeeming features and there is nothing about it worth the trouble .
Maybe in a few thousand years humans will have grown up a bit , but the physiological oppression of the organism is too hard wired in to expect any true transcendence really . It's dystopia all the way till the end .

I have been thrust into existence and only have to conform enough to not draw hostile fire , and can otherwise
muster as much 'satisfaction' as I can as a single organism in a self evidently dead end species .

Such is life .

It's still hard to emotionally embrace that hard truth though ...

I'm a long way off from some zen , mindful , free flowing personality 'live the day' fluffy tailed bunny thats for sure .

Having lived my entire life imprisoned by bullshit , I see it as as possibly liberating to shave off more of the lies I have believed between now and the end ... but I prefer just to nap, really.

I'm not that happy with saying this stuff ... but I'll post it anyway , I kind of get off on anonymously displaying my misanthropy I guess ( but it's a compassionate misanthropy ... people just don't have a clue , I know I don't ! )

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

It's great to hear you've come to those realisations

I had similar a few years back, when I went to university. Not necessarily because of uni itself, but I come from a traditional, religious... very... 'proper' family, where nothing was out of the ordinary and impressions are everything. Since then I've ditched my family's religious values, expressed my sexuality (I'm bi) despite my family not being 100% on board with it, gotten pierced and tattooed and now openly express zero desire to have children (despite my mum wanting grandkids, luckily my sister has taken that responsibility away from me).

Sure, my family aren't particularly thrilled that I'm doing things that don't match what they see as 'right', but if I followed them forever I'd be even more miserable than I have been. I spent my childhood and teenage years crying because I was forcing myself to fit into their values and stereotypes, and it wasn't who I was. I was forcing myself to try to make friends with people I had zero interest in, and

 

[Smilla]

I love your strength, and how you were able to dismantle the life script that society laid out for you. Not everyone can do this in the end, and to create your own meanings free from the shackles of others' expectations is something to be proud of.

Congrats on these realizations; you must feel incredibly liberated right now!

Sounds also like you would be a terrific asset to the antinatalist community if you choose to be.

I wish you all the best and more in your recovery.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm pleased to report that having made these breakthroughs, I can visualize and work towards a life which I would actually be excited about living.

@Smilla said it beautifully, but I also wanted to add my congratulations on your finding a new way to look at your options and your potential future.

I wish you courage and strength, and continuing clarity of vision.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I love your strength, and how you were able to dismantle the life script that society laid out for you. Not everyone can do this in the end, and to create your own meanings free from the shackles of others' expectations is something to be proud of.

I'd like these words, written ten feet high in every school, office and home in the land.
@Smilla write a book before you go please x

 

[SelfishMom]

This is a really good post. I applaud your reasoning, especially when it comes to children.