Discussion Suicidal ideation and guilt

[Alcoholic Failure]

I think about suicide every day. Some days, the thoughts are more frequent than others. But every time, the thoughts circle around to a sense of guilt, which is counter intuitive. On one hand, I feel guilty for all of the ways I have hurt the people in my life and not lived up to my potential, which attributes to my SI. On the other, I feel guilty for further damage that will be brought upon my loved ones if I ctb.
Even though I have no idea how I can come back from what I've already done, the guilt I feel for my family's reaction to my ctb is keeping me from trying again. Does anybody else have a similar conflict?

 

[Strawberries]

Yes, I have the exact same conflict! Especially because my mom is already in such a sad situation atm, with both her father and husband dying slowly of terminal cancer, so I don't want to do that to her now on top of everything. I hope I can hold on long enough. But I know longterm I can't spare my mom/other family members the pain of me ctb, because I can't wait 30 years or longer until she dies to ctb. I've written a long explanation and apology to my mom/family in my goodbye letter, also I've talked openly with my mom, so my mom knows I want to die and can understand why, but it's hard for her to let me go.

 

[pickajack]

Same same.

 

[Unwr!tten]

Yeah, I get that. I get the same way and that's one of the only reasons I'm still here is because of others, but I guess I'm lucky I have people who love me to love in return.

 

[waffels]

i also feel some guilt too, but i have learned to start slowly distancing myself from people i do not want to hurt. as soon as i have managed to distance myself from all of my loved ones i will CTB