Suicidal but too scared to kill myself

[Definitelyworried]

I don't know what to do.
Somethings have gotten a little better, but some new problems have arised.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I feel broken and still being overworked.
I hope one day I can be ok with the way things are going, right now I feel really bad and I can't shake it off.
Today I would get waves of feeling ok for like 5 seconds, followed by feelings of intense dread.
My situation seems to be getting worse.
I wish I could stop all my bad feelings.
I know I will be idealizing suicide tonight.
I feel so alone.

 

[Gevatsu]

I don't know what to do.
Somethings have gotten a little better, but some new problems have arised.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I feel broken and still being overworked.
I hope one day I can be ok with the way things are going, right now I feel really bad and I can't shake it off.
Today I would get waves of feeling ok for like 5 seconds, followed by feelings of intense dread.
My situation seems to be getting worse.
I wish I could stop all my bad feelings.
I know I will be idealizing suicide tonight.
I feel so alone.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Sometimes I feel like life can get better and is worth living, that I could actually make something of myself and that I could do the things I want to do. I know it isn't possible, though. I don't feel like life is real anymore. I'm scared of waking up in an afterlife if I CTB and if I fail again..I just want nothingness.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Sometimes I feel like life can get better and is worth living, that I could actually make something of myself and that I could do the things I want to do. I know it isn't possible, though. I don't feel like life is real anymore. I'm scared of waking up in an afterlife if I CTB and if I fail again..I just want nothingness.

I could relate to the fear of an afterlife.
I rather want happiness than nothingness, but I rather want nothingness than pain.
But yes an afterlife does scare me if I ctb, but I'm afraid of an even worse afterlife where maybe I won't be able to ctb.
I'm stuck.
Thanks for your reply though.
How do you get by? it's so difficult for me.

 

[Gevatsu]

I could relate to the fear of an afterlife.
I rather want happiness than nothingness, but I rather want nothingness than pain.
But yes an afterlife does scare me if I ctb, but I'm afraid of an even worse afterlife where maybe I won't be able to ctb.
I'm stuck.
Thanks for your reply though.
How do you get by? it's so difficult for me.

I'm a coward, so i avoid any sort of responsibilities or anything I don't like to do. I just give up and tell myself I can't do it. That's how I get by. I'm young so I haven't experienced the real hardships in life. I'm going to make sure I don't have to.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I'm a coward, so avoid any sort of responsibilities or abytanyt I don't like to do. I just give up and tell myself I can't do it. That's how I get by. I'm young so I haven't experienced the real hardships in life. I'm going to make sure I don't have to.

Yeah I'm 32 and responsibilities are killing me.

 

[Gevatsu]

Yeah I'm 32 and responsibilities are killing me.

God, my keyboard is garbage. I'm 17 and I'm taking online school now. I quit the same job twice, working less than two weeks both times. I just can't do anything. I'm proud of you. You haven't given up and you fight hard. I don't fight at all.

 

[Definitelyworried]

God, my keyboard is garbage. I'm 17 and I'm taking online school now. I quit the same job twice, working less than two weeks both times. I just can't do anything. I'm proud of you. You haven't given up and you fight hard. I don't fight at all.

Thanks I appreciate that, the fight is hard. But I appreciate your encouraging words.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I think I did give up but was too much of a coward to completely let go. I feel like I'm losing the battle.

 

[Gevatsu]

I think I did give up but was too much of a coward to completely let go. I feel like I'm losing the battle.

I feel the same way. I believe I let go a long time ago.

 

[Zero]

You poor, poor guy... we all want to die here. You are not alone in that sense.

 

[Tiburcio]

I really want to die, I'm olny afraid of the process and the survival instinct. Fear is a real burden.

 

[Definitelyworried]

It sucks because I keep on suffering. Everyone around me thinks I will just suck it up and tough it out. But they don't understand how I feel even though I have tried to explain to them.
If I ever do end up killing myself it will be because of destiny, since I feel even in this I have no control over it.
If I could I would have done it a while ago.
Or better yet, if I really could, I would not be having these thoughts, if I really could, I would be happy.

 

[Tiburcio]

If I could do it I wouldn't even tried to be happy, I would cut my throat when I was 12. Now people think I still want to fight or I don't want to die... If they only understood how fear feels...

 

[Definitelyworried]

If I could do it I wouldn't even tried to be happy, I would cut my throat when I was 12. Now people think I still want to fight or I don't want to die... If they only understood how fear feels...

Yeah I understand people think I want to keep fighting.
I dont.
I gave up already.
I already feel defeated.
I'm just gasping for air right now, cause of my survival instinct.
I'm like a fish out of water gasping.

 

[Tiburcio]

Yeah I understand people think I want to keep fighting.
I dont.
I gave up already.
I already feel defeated.
I'm just gasping for air right now, cause of my survival instinct.
I'm like a fish out of water gasping.

I never was truly interested in life and fighting here feels like wasting energy and time for me.

I can't say I tried it, but I prefer this because life is like it is, and failure would be sure.

Now I'm struggling against the fear, that's the only thing worthy of fight against it.

 

[Definitelyworried]

If knew for sure being dead were like being asleep forever I would kill myself tonight.

 

[Rollo]

I'm a coward, so i avoid any sort of responsibilities or anything I don't like to do. I just give up and tell myself I can't do it. That's how I get by. I'm young so I haven't experienced the real hardships in life. I'm going to make sure I don't have to.

To me it's perfectly healthy to avoid things that you don't like to do. You're working toward your happiness by avoiding it. It's just that in our world it's neccessary to do things you don't like in order to get things you do like. Like in order to get an apple I have to get up and go to a fridge, which may be something I don't want to do at the moment. So to me it's perfectly healthy to choose to stay put even though by choosing so I'm sacrificing the apple eating part. And it's really the same with being a coward. Personally I reserve a right to be a coward and actually do choose to be a coward in many situations. Because I'm sticking for myself here, for my happiness. By not taking the risk. Like recently I bought a yogurt that had two holes poked in it. So it's possible somebody did it on purpose and injected something. Even though most likely it's nothing. Still I chose to toss it just to avoid the risk. Then I could have well chose to eat the damn thing if I felt like it. And I do choose to take risks in many other situations. Because in the end both of these choices are equally healthy to me.

 

[Mona]

I don't know what to do.
Somethings have gotten a little better, but some new problems have arised.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I feel broken and still being overworked.
I hope one day I can be ok with the way things are going, right now I feel really bad and I can't shake it off.
Today I would get waves of feeling ok for like 5 seconds, followed by feelings of intense dread.
My situation seems to be getting worse.
I wish I could stop all my bad feelings.
I know I will be idealizing suicide tonight.
I feel so alone.

I'm the same. I want it all to end, cutting, attempted hanging. Too scared to overdose. I can only grab the bottle. Some days people can make me happy, and then other days I cry myself to sleep. I trust people to easily and when I bottle up all my feelings and thoughts; I vent to people. Then they use that against me..

 

[Gevatsu]

I'm the same. I want it all to end, cutting, attempted hanging. Too scared to overdose. I can only grab the bottle. Some days people can make me happy, and then other days I cry myself to sleep. I trust people to easily and when I bottle up all my feelings and thoughts; I vent to people. Then they use that against me..

I'm in the same boat, sort of. I just let my thoughts out to everyone.

 

[DoneFighting]

I'm not afraid of death at all. I'm afraid of failing and fucking myself up. I don't want to be a vegetable and more of a burden than I already am. I also don't want the drama of everyone finding out my issues and being Baker acted. I just want to sleep forever.