nancyboy
change your taste in men
- Oct 21, 2024
- 17
Thanks to everyone who replied to my last vent. I just got into an argument with my partner about not trusting their group. I feel disgusted with myself because I fucked up all the progress I was trying to make with mending our relationship. I've already gotten broken up with once because I let my emotions control myself and it's obvious it's going to happen again if I don't sent myself in line. Except this time it'll be permanent and I'll lose everything in the process. As I'm typing this we're talking (somewhat) but I know I fucked everything up. I know they'll be dry and off to me and I'll end up freaking out and ruining everything all over again. Living with bpd is genuienly so debilitating the fact people romanticize the very thing that destroys my bond with everyone makes me feel so gross.
Apparently everyone in the group wants to be my friend but I just don't belive that shit. After all the groups that I've been in who have taken happiness in the fact they've fucked up my mental state from just constantly shitting on me trusting people is literally impossible. But if I don't at least try and pretend it'll be a deal breaker in our relationship. But it's hard when I can't change my mindset on the dot. Death is easier than changing myself. But I don't know. Death seems like a cheap way out of this scenario, instead of actually trying.
I just want everything to be ok because deep down I really do love them and I do want to be a part of the group. But when it feels like everyone is out to get me or has secret motives it feels impossible. I'm going to try my best because at the end of the day I want this to work. But everytime I fuck up I just want to call it quits and just end my life. Getting better with this disorder feels fucking impossible. Fuck whoever decided to create a disorder that literally is known to ruin your relationships (God.)
I don't know what I'll do now that we aren't gonna be on good terms for a bit. Probably cry and plot my death that I know I can't even afford right now.
Sorry if this is the wrong category for this.
Apparently everyone in the group wants to be my friend but I just don't belive that shit. After all the groups that I've been in who have taken happiness in the fact they've fucked up my mental state from just constantly shitting on me trusting people is literally impossible. But if I don't at least try and pretend it'll be a deal breaker in our relationship. But it's hard when I can't change my mindset on the dot. Death is easier than changing myself. But I don't know. Death seems like a cheap way out of this scenario, instead of actually trying.
I just want everything to be ok because deep down I really do love them and I do want to be a part of the group. But when it feels like everyone is out to get me or has secret motives it feels impossible. I'm going to try my best because at the end of the day I want this to work. But everytime I fuck up I just want to call it quits and just end my life. Getting better with this disorder feels fucking impossible. Fuck whoever decided to create a disorder that literally is known to ruin your relationships (God.)
I don't know what I'll do now that we aren't gonna be on good terms for a bit. Probably cry and plot my death that I know I can't even afford right now.
Sorry if this is the wrong category for this.
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