Venting Suicidal because of my puritanical worldview

[canela333]

I have suffered with my gender since I was little. Gender-related oppression, sexual abuse, and child abuse are topics that have affected me since very early in my life, even though I have not suffered anything in this regard. I suffer from obsessive and catastrophic thoughts on a daily basis. I think that human sexuality is perverse, and I cannot delude myself into seeing anything of a sexual nature as something positive, even if there is love and consent.

I feel like I am a very puritanical, moralistic, and idealistic person. I have been like this since I was little, I came into the world this way and I have never been able to mature in this sense. The sexual issue is the main one, but I am also like this with the other imperfections of humanity. Things like deceit, envy, jealousy, betrayal.

I also have a lot of difficulty eating or getting parts of my body dirty. Thinking about the digestive process and the bacteria that live in my body causes me a kind of existential repulse, a repulse for the physical world. Rationally, I understand that it is an immature worldview, but I can't change it no matter how hard I try, and I feel ashamed of being suicidal for such a futile reason. I have been having ctb attempts for five years now. I have no hope of getting better, it is a great agony with existence itself, something I can't escape.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Have you ever tried getting evaluated for something like OCD? I don't know if I'm interpreting your post correctly, but it kind of sounds like you might be dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts, especially regarding topics surrounding sex and cleanliness, and if that is the case then that might be a sign of mental illness.

This isn't me trying to diagnose you or anything, rather I'm just suggesting that it might be something to look into.

 

[NonEssential]

Gender-related oppression, sexual abuse, and child abuse are topics that have affected me since very early in my life, even though I have not suffered anything in this regard.

Damn, you made me worried at the first half.

 

[StrugglingSienna]

Yeah this all sounds like (pretty severe) OCD to me. The obsessive thoughts about your gender, sexuality, morality, and cleanliness all scream OCD to me, although I'm not a doctor.

I would seriously consider trying to get some help for this before trying to CTB again. It would really break my heart to see someone with a treatable mental illness leave here without ever attempting some of the treatments that are available.