J3ndoe
New Member
- Feb 24, 2023
- 4
Sorry if I'm doing this wrong, I'm not very tech savvy and am new to online forums in general.
For context on why I want to ctb , I am a 21 year old girl in college. I live at home, mostly against my wishes and am not discouraged from working so I can work towards moving out. If I work, or do anything that goes against my mom's wishes I will be thrown out onto the streets after being screamed at for hours. My mom screams a lot. Since as long as I can remember, every time I've made a mistake or done anything against her wishes, I was screamed at, berated, generally verbally abused. I have zero self esteem, I hate myself, every time I make mistakes I have so much anxiety I feel ill. It makes me feel like I can't do or accomplish anything and I hate it. I'm terrified of trying new things, of meeting new people. My only friend is my twin brother. I've never dated. I've never made any meaningful connections. I just can't be open and honest with people, not anymore. For more context, my mom is a single teenage mom. I understand it's hard to be the best parent under those circumstances and I don't blame her for any of my problems. I know I'm the one who's wrong. A few years ago she had a son pretty much under the same circumstances as me and my twin and we now have a younger brother much younger than us. I'm not jealous of him and I genuinely am happy my mom is treating him better than she ever treated us but she's made me a second mother. I love him but the responsibility of him is so great, especially because he as severe sensory issues and is hard to manage. My mom has put me and my brother through college. She's insisted on paying for everything despite being poor. She constantly uses this against me, against us. We aren't allowed to work while in school. We aren't allowed to get jobs she doesn't approve of during breaks. There are so many rules and expectations in our house, especially with how my little brother is to be treated and cared for, that it feels like I'm drowning. She mostly relies on me for all his care and the slightest mistake leads to hours(this isn't an exaggeration) of verbal abuse. The alternative to this is always the option of living on the street, which I tried but she threatened to cal the police and say I was a suicidal person who planned on killing themself. for even more context she's a mental health professional who knows all my issues and is constantly telling me what my problems are and how to solve them. I can't take it I hate it so much. I hate living like this. I hate having no one. My twin brother atleast has his friends. I have no one. I have nothing. This won't end even after I graduate from the school I didn't want to go to because of the costs but was forced to. She's currently looking for homes with basement apartments for me to live with her. The alternative is to be kicked from the family and never see my younger brother again and have him grow up hating me probably. I'm just looking for an out. I have no money so tools are hard to come by I don't want to jump from several stories because I don't want to become a medical burden if I survive. There are a lot of trains near me but again I'm scared of living. any help?
For context on why I want to ctb , I am a 21 year old girl in college. I live at home, mostly against my wishes and am not discouraged from working so I can work towards moving out. If I work, or do anything that goes against my mom's wishes I will be thrown out onto the streets after being screamed at for hours. My mom screams a lot. Since as long as I can remember, every time I've made a mistake or done anything against her wishes, I was screamed at, berated, generally verbally abused. I have zero self esteem, I hate myself, every time I make mistakes I have so much anxiety I feel ill. It makes me feel like I can't do or accomplish anything and I hate it. I'm terrified of trying new things, of meeting new people. My only friend is my twin brother. I've never dated. I've never made any meaningful connections. I just can't be open and honest with people, not anymore. For more context, my mom is a single teenage mom. I understand it's hard to be the best parent under those circumstances and I don't blame her for any of my problems. I know I'm the one who's wrong. A few years ago she had a son pretty much under the same circumstances as me and my twin and we now have a younger brother much younger than us. I'm not jealous of him and I genuinely am happy my mom is treating him better than she ever treated us but she's made me a second mother. I love him but the responsibility of him is so great, especially because he as severe sensory issues and is hard to manage. My mom has put me and my brother through college. She's insisted on paying for everything despite being poor. She constantly uses this against me, against us. We aren't allowed to work while in school. We aren't allowed to get jobs she doesn't approve of during breaks. There are so many rules and expectations in our house, especially with how my little brother is to be treated and cared for, that it feels like I'm drowning. She mostly relies on me for all his care and the slightest mistake leads to hours(this isn't an exaggeration) of verbal abuse. The alternative to this is always the option of living on the street, which I tried but she threatened to cal the police and say I was a suicidal person who planned on killing themself. for even more context she's a mental health professional who knows all my issues and is constantly telling me what my problems are and how to solve them. I can't take it I hate it so much. I hate living like this. I hate having no one. My twin brother atleast has his friends. I have no one. I have nothing. This won't end even after I graduate from the school I didn't want to go to because of the costs but was forced to. She's currently looking for homes with basement apartments for me to live with her. The alternative is to be kicked from the family and never see my younger brother again and have him grow up hating me probably. I'm just looking for an out. I have no money so tools are hard to come by I don't want to jump from several stories because I don't want to become a medical burden if I survive. There are a lot of trains near me but again I'm scared of living. any help?
