Venting Stupid ramblings from a stupid cat

[toxicjester]

I KNEW it I knew it'd be bad today I could feel it in my everything pins and needles in my hands and nose and I could tell it in the texts and my charm fell off my spiritual tokens I keep I fucking KNEW it how is it delusions if it's FUCKING true and I can't tell patterns my ass I can see that shit so good and I can see I suck abysmal dogshit

Mirrors are so evil how horrible of an invention they are the day that humanity could see its own imperfections and feel bad for something it couldn't control is the day that things started to be the beginning of the end

It's so STUPID that I thought I was EVER capable of helping people and I HATE HATE HATE myself with everything in my soul but that pUsHeS pEoPlE aWaY but maybe if I wasn't the worst fucking person in the wrong FUCKING TIMELINE there wouldn't be a reason to hate myself

God I'm so scared how the fuck am I supposed to wake up tomorrow living in this bullshit I don't want the night to end because then it has to be tomorrow but it's already tomorrow why can't I just sleep and NOT FUCKING WAKE UP

mama mama mama mama MAMA MAMA MAMA maMA mama mama where'd she go? Was she ever real?

Why did I have to be real

I wanna go home, I promise I'll be good this time

 

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

I don't want the night to end because then it has to be tomorrow but it's already tomorrow why can't I just sleep and NOT FUCKING WAKE UP

I wish for this, too. I hate waking up. The moment I regain consciousness, I immediately desire death.

 

[toxicjester]

Update to this for anyone that cares: I woke up like 12 hours later but I kept waking up and had terrible sleep in general (I think I have sleep apnea + I'm a light sleeper and I kept hearing a weird nose that was either a mouse or a super far away gunshot). I got ready in silence since I didn't have anything good to say to my gf. When we were in the car I tried to talk to her again but it devolved fast. I got to my family's house but then they left shortly after and I looked after my younger siblings.

The day didn't go the way I wanted to. I wanted to get to the house earlier so maybe my sibling and I could hang out before their friend got here. And maybe I could've played online with my gf. But I couldn't get to hang out with my sibling before their friend got here and I haven't talked to my gf since the car ride and I saw a seal video I wanted to show her and started crying because I got viscerally upset

I'm so alone and no one is helping me and I feel like a small child throwing a tantrum wanting attention but I don't know what to do. I wish I could find anything to fucking kill myself or have something happen to me so it's not my fucking because because everything else is my fucking fault

cuddling my seal plush named journey because he's the only friend I have atm

Together we'll wait for mama

 

[toxicjester]

I want to ramble again but I didn't want to make a separate post because my entire life takes up valuable space so I could at least consolidate my vents

I'm just so exhausted all the time. Every week a new argument. This week it's that I'm not actually a kind person(which is crazy considering it's what I've been trying to tell her) and that I don't have pure intentions in wanting to take care of her (which I've also told her that taking care of her would make shit easier for me but she said that's different so)

Could barely sleep last night and worked both jobs today and work both jobs tomorrow and she says I don't love her and maybe I don't fucking love anything right now

But I'm too tired to be mad

I'm just so upset

And I feel like a kid wanting to throw a tantrum for attention but all I can muster is a lump in my throat. Why am I still alive if I don't want to be? Why can't I just say that this isn't for me and throw in the towel? Why can't I have a peaceful end? I keep seeing my death, but I can't have it happen yet. So I'm in this hell state with no nothing.

Want my mama. Just want anyone to pay attention at this point